[Personal Note] The Second Life

Lately, between spending some times to blog and to browse some gay social network, I've also been trying to tweet. For me, there's no difference between the two, except that with twitter it's easier to post some random doodles instantly, instead of having to log in to the blogger via the web before posting something. 

It was then that I also found that it is not easy (it is not difficult.. it's just not easy.. if you know what I mean) to lead a double life: A gay in the closet and a discreet guy out in the jungle. The discreet guy I'm trying to be also has twitter account already - even two, I might add. So it's a little difficult for me to manage between the three accounts - well, I might as well merge the three altogether, but stupid or not, useless or not, believe it or not, each of the twitter accounts serve a purpose for me.


I see that at this point, I might hit you as someone who's spending too much time to stay in the closet - while some might say it's already obvious - that it's almost childish and pointless.. While it is true to some extent, I also believe in our crowded gay world, there's this policy called 'don't ask-don't tell'. You don't ask someone whether he's gay or not, and you especially don't announce it to the whole world once you know the guy is gay. 


But, to think again, I am not the 'it'-person. I am just a regular next-door type who's not even handsome nor charming. You can personally ask a few blogger friends (whose blogs I already linked at my page). Their first impressions to me was that I am indeed NOT THAT handsome - I dont know, but somehow the thought that judging from my writings, I must be pretty hot. I guess that is a sign I need to be more personal rather than cryptic. *grin* And to start this, here's my gay-guy's twitter link, no pic yet, only less than 100 tweets currently, but mention me if you want to be foll-back. :) 


So, in parallel to one of my not-written-2011 resolutions, I want to stay more positive this year. More positive in the way that I am going to accept myself more, stop feeling insecure, stop wasting time chasing some guys who're not even interested, and -the hardest one- to not stay melancholic all the time. Hard, because I am a mellow guy to begin with. 


Last year I got into this big fall-out with three guys (hey, you know who you are), but then I managed to apologize to all of them. Although things can't never be the way it was, at least I know we're still friends. Of the three, I still regularly keep in touch with one (I have two of 3 twitter accounts following him); mostly because he's kind of hot and has unbelievably huge fans - well, to think about it again, I started to act out when we fought partly because I was so insecure chatting with him. :D Stupid, eh?


Anyway, there's one conflict from this year to manage. I am still mad at him, for some stupid reasons, but perhaps one day. One thing at a time. :) 


Wish me luck! 

With You. . .

 

What is the future made of?

The sum of all fears, tears? Happiness, smiles? 

 

When does it start?

The day when you laid your eyes on me? The day when our smiles met? 

And that to be with you in my future,

what does it take?

The Broken Window

 

 

I am done with you.

I am through. I have carried around this hatred, this pain, this regret with me for so long. 

I don't wanna be like this. You're just the biggest mistake I have ever made. You're not worth any single of my emotion. You're not worth even my goodbye. 

So, this is it. 

You're non-existing to me from this moment on.

Talk to you never,

Ed.

The Risk We Need to Take

You see the water that flows so serene in the river? The sound the ripple makes, the glare beneath the crystal clear sky, the fresh taste on your skin; don't they all make you just wanna jump inside, and for a while, forget the rest of the world, the future we might not have, and the problem that burdens us?

Everything is so beautiful, that you want to preserve it. You want to be like this, forever. 

But time flows, as the river flows. To somewhere we don't know, and that sometimes is a bit frigthening. 

Hell, we could have our heart broken to pieces, and everything just gets ugly. 

So at some point, we just stop jumping. Stop going with the current.

Yet little do we know, that even it is frightening, it is actually worth it.

See the river finally flows so rapid? Up to a right time, right place, it finds an elevation to drop itself. A steep region, a cliff, then turns it into a beautiful waterfall.

So it's okay to fall into pieces, a little now and then. I want to fall again.

I want to swallow all my ego, and be the bold person I was. 

I want to a beautiful waterfall, dropping my all to his heart, and then let the flow take me somewhere new. 

Somewhere magical. 

The Monochromatic Grey

I have used up all the metaphors to describe a single feeling I am feeling about you right now that I couldn't actually find a new one to throw to you with just one tiny hope that you'd take one more look at me again. 
I have got tired of using the same theme, the same words, the same nuance to talk those things about you that eventually it only left me being numb and senseless and deprived. 
I have raised my head staring the sky, the universe, the trees, the leaves, the birds, the sun, and even the moon like already a thousand times to just to find myself noticing them as a sign that I haven't got over you and that I should really really try to get you back, even if I have to beg for you and be a lowly-life of a drifter who's really dying to die in your arms.... 


I am pathetic. 
I am miserable. 
And realising how much you could do to me without even really staying by my side, just making me hate myself more and more for being so vulnerable, fragile, and stupid. 

The Repeat Order

I have seen too many sunsets disappearing into the dark that eventually it only leaves me with this numbness I can't explain. 

I have stood long enough to feel what it feels like before the sun actually rises that it finally hits me that I can be ok even if you're not here by my side, whispering a very sweet Good Morning. 
I have counted too much rain-drop breaking on the ground, creating some kind of tragic melody in the air, that it leaves me wondering if you have your own umbrella at the time when it's raining. 


I have been through all these over and over again. 
Just the exact amount of time I've spent wishing someone who's not even real yet, not here yet, and not known yet.... 

Untitled.

Burke...
Burke was, uh...
He took something from me. He took little pieces of me...Little pieces over time, so small.. I didn't notice, you know?
He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted.
One day I was me- Cristina Yang. And then suddenly I was lying for him and, uh, jeopardizing my career and, uh,..agreeing to be married.
And wearing a ring and being a bride... Until I was standing there...in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn't Cristina Yang anymore.
And even then, I would've married him.
I would have.


I lost myself for a long time.
And now...that I'm finally me again...
I can't...


I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke.
I love you.
And that scares the crap out of me because...


When you asked me to ignore Teddy's page, You took a piece of me...And I let you. And...that will never happen... Again.

                                      |Cristina Yang to Owen Hunt, Grey's Anatomy, S06E14

Perhaps, the me I am currently, is still that cynical person who thinks everything in a pessimistic way, solely for he believes that this way, he could really protect himself from being hurt.
Perhaps, the me I am right now, is still a selfish little boy who's trying too hard to make the world seem a more logical place, to make more sense of the life he's living.
Perhaps, the me I am this moment, is still that silly young man who's so naively questioning about happiness and what it has to do with love.
Perhaps, the me I am today, is still that one AJ who's desperately trying to personify LOVE, to define LOVE..


But...

Hopefully, there'd be a day, when he really knows that PAIN and HURT are just the process of living a wonderful life.. that PAIN and HURT and TEARS, perhaps, would help him grow wiser and stronger..

Hopefully, there'd come a moment, when he finally sees the world as it is, without judging, without frowning, but only with one big SMILE..

Hopefully, there may be a time in his life, that he finally could share happiness with people he loves that much... and at the time, hopefully also, he knows by his heart that love, as happiness, comes in so many forms... that all he needs to do is... to count his blessing.

Hopefully, there'd be a life ahead, when he could feel what Cristina Yang had been feeling, experiencing.......A love so scary, so over-whelming.. yet there, real, and he just can't live with it. Because love, is to celebrate. 

Homework: Tag About Yourself

A little homework from POHON. The game is called 'Tag About Yourself'.
Cut the story short, lets begin!


1. WHERE IS U'R CELL PHONE?
In my pocket mostly; sometimes inside my backpack, but currently...er... out of sight.

2. RELATIONSHIP?
I am shy *yeah, right!*, so most of the time, I am just embarrassing. Not good with crowd nor boyfriend. So currently....er... alone?

3. U'R HAIR?
Shaggy pine. But currently it's growing out of shape. Need to cut it again.

4. WORK?
at B-town?

5. U'R SISTERS?
many sister cousins.

6. U'R FAVORITE THING?
beach! Books and poetries! Photography! everything about ART.

7. U'R DREAM LAST NIGHT?
I was in kind of a party, then the rest was blurry, but I knew my stomach was aching.. so I woke up, got up, and rushed to the bathroom.

8. U'R FAVORIT DRINK?
tea milk. tea with milk.

9. U'R DREAM CAR?
Jaguar. Ferrari.

10. U'R SHOES?
formal shoes and basket-ball shoes. I dont play basket-ball, though. It's just cool to have them.

11. U'R FEARS
Height. Growing old and bald and fat.

12. WHAT DO U WANT TO BE IN 10 YEARS?
a wiser and more mature man.

13. WHO DID U'R HANG OUT WITH LAST WEEK?
colleagues.

14. WHAT ARE U NOT GOOD AT?
love. and pretty much everything else. Er...

15. ONE OF U'R WISH LIST ITEM?
Blackberry, which then caused Mas Agus one of his most hilarious laugh. *mendelik*

16. WHERE U GREW UP?
Sumatra. ah, you know the place already. hehe

17. LAST THING U DID?
before this tag? Watching the OC.

18. WHAT ARE U WEARING?
shorts.

19. U'R COMPUTER?
white laptop, of which currently is not shining anymore.

20. U'R PET?
Hm..........................ants that enter my room... that counts?

21. U'R LIFE?
Love, dream, and pain.

22. MISSING?
I miss missing someone.

23. WHAT ARE U THINKING RIGHT NOW?

what am i going to do first thing in Bandung? Hm...

24. U'R CAR?
Blue-colored ANGKOT.

25. U'R KITCHEN?
*celingak celinguk*

26. U'R FAVORIT COLOR?
grey (sadly, because grey makes me look like a sick patient at hospital), black, blue, and green.

27. LAST TIME U LAUGH?
this evening, at office.

28. LAST TIME U CRIED?
after The Love of Siam.

29. LOVE?
is Universal. :D

30. SO WHO WANTS TO SHARE THEIR ONE'S? HOW ABOUT?
Er....

31. PERSON ELECTED TO THE TAG...
Here here... for Mas Arya, A'a, Berdio, Zhou Yu, Chris, Alil.

No, This is not being a bitch

No, You can't go around telling people how a simple '~' could make your day, bring out your smile, and help you relax, 

then

to just throw them out of your life simple because you don't know how to handle them.

Finding (My) Nemo

If a heart were a piece of rock, which you could just split up in parts, then perhaps I had left a piece of it in this one island. I wished that it would drown with the sea-current, grow with the sun, to just blossom as a beautiful reef... So that the next time I'd go there again, someday I don't know when, I'd find a big ridge of rock, so steady that it'd amaze divers, and whisper so intimately to me again: welcome back..

Last holiday season, a friend invited me to join her tour to Karimunjawa, a national marine park, Jepara off-shore. It's not yet as famous as Bunaken, Wakatobi, or Lombok, but it's quite nice there. The land is actually still virgin, the village is not so big that all the inhabitants seem to know each other. Everything is not yet commercialized there, like the over-rated Bali, so you'd expect a clean surrounding, and not-so-expensive things. More, the white sand, quiet islands, clear sea, the palm-trees, everything on the shore would remind of this movie Cast-Away, only in better shape. You're not actually cast away, you're not actually lost. I would call it escaping the town. And I do think it's a beautiful coincidence, that we're staying in this beach resort called Escape.

Although it's a village, don't you ever look down on it. The neighboring blogger would find it offensive and it would piss him off. So, seriously, don't. My room has a nice bathroom, a nice bed, and an air-con. The electricity may still be generated from a generator, but it's quite sufficient to support the water-pump, the lighting, and of course, the air-con. But beware of the mosquitoes; although it was said that there hasn't been any case of dengue fever nor the malaria, the bites would be annoyingly itchy.

The food? Er.. Well, if you're a big fan of sea-food, you're in your paradise, then. You don't like seafood? Don't worry, you still can eat, as there're still so many choices available. The food was tasty, but since I was there for almost a week, I got bored of seafood -  yet now, I miss it like crazy. LOL. Human! Tsk!

But enough about the land. How about below the sea-level?

There, there, have you watched this movie Finding Nemo? I bet you have. I cried from the first minutes, can you imagine that? It's quite embarassing, but the thought of the mother sacrificing herself to protect her egg-kids, and yet failed? I so hate the barracuda - nothing good could come from it, except a wonderful meal it would be on the table. *Grin*

But the real spirit is the father's love. How many movies or stories out there are telling about it? Suddenly, I miss my belated dad..

So anyway, it's quite the same as the movie. The reef, anemone, coral, even the clownfish itself. A friend of mine was actually seeing a rayfish, a barracuda, and a squid. The fishes were not so many as those in the movie, but it was quite okay. One advice, bring a piece of bread, then try to spread it in the ocean, and see the fish come to you. :-)

Don't forget to visit the shark, though. It could be scary at first, but it was actually not. The sharks were tamed from a long time ago, that it's not accustomed to attacking human. There was a story that one day, one of sharks was let go, but it then swam through the place nearby. It didn't swim through to taste her freedom in the vast ocean. Amazing, huh? Anyone thinking of having a shark as a pet? *Grin*

Make sure you'd return before the sun sets. It gets very dark at night in the ocean, you barely see anything, and you could get very lonely. The starry sky is good, though, and the local said that you could actually sit and count the falling-stars. But the real treat is when you get back to land to see the sunset. It is that breath-taking - if you get lucky enough to avoid the cloudy-dark sky.

 That very evening, the last day of my trip, from the bottom of my heart, I just said good-bye to Nemo, and hoping that the vast network below the sea would never be broken..

It's New Year, again

For some reasons, I hate holidays. I hate festivals. I hate them even more when I'm single -and desperately available. Because it would then remind me of my being single, and thus, my being desperate. I hate that there's like this 'must' in the thin air, telling people that they should celebrate - with friends, with beloved ones, and so on. Don't get me wrong, I'm a celebratory-person, but to me, it's not a mandatory. To the top of it, I always manage to see the dark side of everything. 

I am not exaggerating.

It's new year night, as I'm writing this. Two hours more to go before the merry count-down, and yet there's already firework-sound everywhere. It's okay to celebrate. I feel the joy too. People are happy, and they deserve it. Come on, life is already hard and difficult, so people need all the joy and celebration they can have. But for me.... New Year reminds me of something else: I'm getting older. I haven't achieved anything. I made resolution of which I couldn't fulfill, so I'm pretty much a big failure. I am single, and as I'm getting older, I won't be that attractive anymore. I'm aging. I'm alone, although I'm not lonely, but still: there's nothing much I can be proud of.

Wait.. is it true, or is it just me, who wants more and more and thus, can't ever be satisfied?

People want more and more. We're taught that way: you're born, and your parents told you to go to school. You finish your kindergarten years, then suddenly you're moving to elementary school. You graduate, and then you reach your junior years, your senior high, and the next is you're in this university. You graduate eventually, and you move on looking for a job, and maybe get married. Have kids. And still, you want more. It's the same circle-of-life for almost everyone. Does that make us humanly-human, to want and crave for more?

Is it just the time to count my own blessing; to see what others don't have and to be grateful for the whole past year?

Is it just the time to still try making a resolution, to help us keeping in track? 

So, nevertheless, here's my original resolution:

I want to be a more grown-up person. I want to use my sensitive-side on a better perspective. I want to learn to try to not make everything about myself. I want to be more understanding. I want to be better. Better.

I want to have a better body-shape. I want to go to gym more regularly. I want to swim more regularly. I want to try to see life in a more optimist perspective. I want to be more cheerful. I want to be more carefree.

I want to be happy. ..

But as I'm writing this, despite of a series of wanting this and that, perhaps I should try to list what I don't wanna be:

I don't wanna be fat and ugly.

I don't wanna be bitter and twisted.

I don't wanna be anymore childish.

I don't wanna be a loser.

Well, I'm still thinking about so many dont-wanna-be. Perhaps you can help? :-)

Happy new year, all.

May happiness is truly yours.

Getting an Edward

I am not a fan. Really. And by all means. I don't even read the novel. My first encounter with the first book made me Ooey-gooey in a away that made me almost vomit. I didn't, thankfully, because I knew the right moment to let go of the book.

It all happened in one night: a bunch of friends bought the ticket already, and suddenly one of them couldn't make it. So they asked me, helplessly, more because they knew I was a helpful person. I agreed to go, and I really thought the movie was over-rated. So typical, so chick-lit. Yet, amazingly, all the girls in the world were crazy about the guy.

The guy was not even that cute. Not my type, at least *but I'd give a second thought if he came on me, LOL*.

It didn't take much time to conclude: A guy, very handsome in a beautiful way and outstanding, in a loner way. Smart, that he could do almost anything, yet foolish enough to do stupid things for you. Strong, that he could make you feel safe in his arms, yet so fragile that he couldn't live without you. Special, in a way that he could read thoughts, but also helpless before you, for he couldn't read you. And you're just this ordinary girl. Nothing's special with you, yet he chose you. Yet he couldn't live without you. Yet he chose to die if living meant a life without you. So romantic, that he even composed a song for you, yet creepy in a way that he wanted your blood, your life, but could somehow manage it because he loved you too much.

So, it's more like a package. You buy a thing, and after you un-wrap, you know you buy a complete set, making you so crazy in love, losing yourself, and can't seek for anyone anymore. It's like saying that you can find your prince charming, even though you're this ordinary girl with nothing special.

Girls want an Edward. PLU perhaps want an Edward.

But mostly, people forget that to get an Edward, they have to be an Edward.

They perhaps forget that Bella was actually that good, that she deserved her Edward. She's willing to let go anything she's known for years: her life, her parents, her everything. Are we that type of person? Or are we just a person who'd wait for someone like Edward, and then to give everything like Bella did? Or are we hiding in a theory that there's no such thing in this world, thus it's no use to give out everything cause it's merely stupid?

I believe in fairy-tale. But I do think that Twilight is too much.

So no, I am not in a queue to get Robert's autograph. A strip club perhaps is better.

Well, here I come.

One thing I like about weekend is..

.. that I dont have to wake up early in the morning. I get to sleep till noon, then wake up tired because I sleep too much, and start to think what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. And voila, the weekend ends in the blink of an eye, and Monday comes again.

Anywho, I've been spending this weekend watching one season and a half of Samantha Who. I've got to say that despite the hillarious laugh I have, the most interesting part is, I get a lot of new thing to learn. Wait, do I start to be geeky again?

For some of you, Samantha Who might not be a new comedy to pick up. But for those who aren't a series-freak, let me brief you: Samantha Newly was a bitch who got massive injury in the head by a car-accident then woke up 8 days later having a retrograde amnesia. It's cheesy, huh? LOL. By saying bitch, I do mean that she's a bitch: She was so self-absorbed that made any shell-fish jealous, she was the biatch who slept with too many married-men and simultaneously cheated on his boy-friend, sabotaged her bff's relationship, and got a restraining order from one of his ex. But she had the chance to be the new her: so, she's making her redemption. She ultimately realised that she couldnt change people around her - she could only change herself.

There's this one remarkable episode in season 2 - or season 1? Never mind - where she got this perfect James McAvoy-like boyfriend. This guy was an environmentalist and rich and handsome and nice and gentle. He cared the whole world, he baby-sat a baby-lamb, he was a vegetarian, he had an electric car, and.. he refused to buy a building because Sam asked him not to. Okay, the last part is like very lebai - but please dont judge me being lebai just because you're so cynical of a romantic relationship nor your teeth hurt all in sudden. I mean it *melirik*.

Anywho, Sam felt like a sinner when she's around him. So she tried to imitate his lifestyle, even though she didn't like it. She started to live a green-life, coping with his boyfriend. Then finally, the day came: when she had to come to a park he's trying to build for kids, where she had to watch people throwing manure. Immediately after pretending sick, she came clean. And guess what? I thought the guy would yell at her, or would look at her in a whole-shallowy way, and that everything would never be the same, and that this was it.

But..

The guy said that it was okay for Samantha to live the life she wanted. That he, amazingly, didn't expect Samantha to be something she was not. That he amazingly understood that Samantha was Samantha, and he took her no less than that. Because they both knew that if anything went wrong, Samantha would resent him. And I was like, WAOW. I mean, how many guys out there are like that? How many aj's are actually behaving and wise like that?

I think that we're too desperately trying to change a guy to be the guy. I think that we're trying too desperately to change ourselves for someone we love. Change is good, I know, but aren't we supposed to accept and to love them as who they are, no matter what? For instance, you don't get married because your parents want you to get married. What happened to 'be yourself'? Is it so impossible because ultimately and eventually, being gay is all about the image - the muscles, the nice abs, the beautiful body and face? Is it too numbing that we try to be our true self? Is it too painful to accept the truth that we dont like ourselves? Anywho, I dont wanna judge - anymore.

In the end, Samantha broke up with the guy. But not because she couldn't live up to his standards. More because she was not happy with the guy. The guy might be perfect in a paper, but it doesn't guarantee you happiness. Sam's mother told her, 'If I heard someone mentioning your father, I would think that they're mentioning a fat dog. But I'm happy with your father.' This line then brought me back to certain someone who told me that he's not confident enough with his face - that he looked like a babu or something like that. And that his skin tone is too dark. I mean, besides the fact that there're guys who're lining up for him, I really wish he was only bitching up. hahaha..

Anywho, to conclude the post, I think you should all watch the latest Grey's Anatomy eps. Season six, eps 5, Invasion. It has something to do about aj relationship. Enjoy your day, folks!

Guys Map

Near my dorm, there is this big hospital.
It means, lot of doctors.
Medical doctors.
In white uniform.


Across the hospital, there's this police office.
Polices there are all young and hunky.
Well-shaped.
I've seen them doing morning report.
They're all in tight uniforms.
Young police-men.


At my working place, there are tons of caucasians.
Cute. Young. Blue eyes. Hazel eyes. Tall.
Great smile.
Expatriates.



Now, the ultimate question
.
.
.
why the hell am I still single?

Desperate Gayboy

A friend of mine once told me that I'd make a good actor if there's a gay version of Desperate Housewives. I didn't give a damn about it, because at the time, I was not a fan. I didn't watch the show regularly. I thought that watching the girls struggled for love and relationship was a bit of out-of-my-league.

But I do now. In fact, that's one of the many reasons that I don't update my blog regularly. *grin*

Well, I used to be a person who considered himself as 'not-desperate' enough to do dumb things. Hey, I might be dark and twisted, scary and damaged, drama-queeny and in-denial, but at least, I am not desperate enough. But after watching the five seasons of the show, I could really tell that I AM DESPERATE.

How so? Lets see.
I am the gay version of Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher). I am clumsy, I believe in fairy-tale, I am not really good in handling people, and at the top of all, I am not capable of being happy. I have a tendency to sabotage my own relationship. If everything is going too smooth, I would find another reason to bitch around, to not feel contended, and then looking forward for another drama to come. Then when everything is too late, I'd feel sorry, I'd regret all the things I've said and done, and I'd dwell in the past. I am insecure all the time, because everyone just does better than me. The worst? I keep sending mixed and wrong signal that most of the time, I drive people I like away and people I dont really like closer.

Now, on difference worth-mentioning here is that in the show, there were 5 guys (five, right?) approaching her. Karl, the first ex-husband, a lawyer who cheated on her but then realised that she was the love of his life. Mike, the second ex-husband, a plumber who loved her more than himself that he understood her that much, a gentleman who'd look after Susan from afar. Ian, an editor (editor or publisher?) from England - Gosh he had such a lovely dialect - who fell in love just twice. Ron, a medical doctor, who finally left her for he realised that her heart couldnt contain another man than Mike. And finally, Jackson, a painter who asked her to marry him so that he wasn't deported back to Canada. Obviously, Susan chose Mike. But you know who I'd choose? Either Ron or Ian. Ron, because I have a silly obsession about doctor things, and Ian, because he has a sexy dialect.

I am desperate, aren't I? Childishly desparate in a dreamy manner. I hang myself so tight to my silly fairy tale dream, seeking excuse that it's okay to believe in a fairy tale, that there really is a 'happily-ever-after' awaiting in the end. It is okay, let me be clear. But it's not right to throw away any chance to be happy right now, at this very moment, just because the person we're with right now can't live up to our dream.

The very same friend -who told me the desperate gayboy thing- also said that it's better being alone than badly accompanied. But I am not Edie Britt. Nobody's perfect. Nobody can be like what we want. And now it's time for me to compromise.

How about you? Which desperate housewives are you?

All About Insecurity

My boyfriend (there, I used the word again. Still feeling kinda strange, though) was on an outbound training for the past three days. He returned yesterday, and I was glad that I texted him the day before, asking his availability. Guess what, I am not miserable at all. I am looking forward to seeing him again very soon, and playing some dirty tricks.

So everything was fine. Or, I thought fine. Usually, when everything's so damned smooth, I start bitching around about anything. And, unfortunately, that happens too, now.

Everything begins as it was my birthday today. He called me this morning, saying happy birthday to me, and then all his sweet wishes on me, and some on us. Then he asked me if I want any present. I told him that I didn't want any present. He was okay at first, then soon, he texted me again, saying he was at some kind of plaza, and he's looking forward to buy me something. That's sweet. Thoughtful. But is that necessary? I gave up, and practically told me what I currently plan on buying. I didnt know if he ended up buying the thing, but I certainly hope that he didnt.

And this little thing has made me thing. I dont wanna find any excuse, which is so lame. But it's just that giving gift is not a habit in my family. My mom has never given any presents at my birthdays, because there's never been any birthday party at home. We never celebrate. It's just the same ordinary day, from year to year. My parents didnt even give me any presents for any academical achievements I have accomplished. Never. I grow up thinking that having had my parents is already a gift, being born to the world is already a blessing, and my academic achievements were all something proper, not extraordinary. By saying proper, I mean that I should have accomplished those, because my parents are giving their best to put me in school. So, no gift. At all.

The point is, I dont really understand how a gift or a present could be tied to showing that you care for somebody. It certainly proves that you're sweet, you're thoughtful, but does it prove it anything else? Does it serve as measurement of anything?

Oh yes, I know I have been a bitch. I didnt tell him all this. I know that I have made this becoming much more complicated than it already is. Which is, at the end of the day, I know I have something to work out here in my department. I wanna love him in a better way. :-)

Perks

It's almost a week since the last I saw him. And it's not that bad like I've thought. I miss him though, but not to the extent that it starts becoming a burden. I dont know about him, but I do knew that he sounded very very much extra spoiled the last time I called him, which was about 10 hours ago.

There are three things that amaze me right now.

First, I have had a long-distance relationship before. It was not convenient, and I have even come to a decision where I don't believe in a such relationship anymore. Still, I choose to give it a second chance, and here we are. I complained much about him before, this relationship is official, but then I realised that this all is not easy for him too. I know that I have been very childish, and I have been trying to gain a new perspective. Thing is already hard, I wont make it harder for anyone. I'll try my best to hang in there.

Second, usually I feel that someone being spoiled with me is ooey-gooey, but this is not the case with him. He demands some care and attention from me, and I guess it's normal. If he's my shoulder to cry on, then the least I could offer is a lap for him to sleep when he's so tired, right? I ain't say anything about business; it's not like I-am-doing-you-A-so-you-should-give-me-B. A relationship should be mutual. But you know it already.

Third, he sure changed a lot. He's silently figuring out a way to reach out to me. What I say matters much for him. He keeps all the sweet SMS I have sent him. We cuddled all night long, and no lust involved. This is new to me. I dont feel guilty anymore.. And it's not like because he happens to say things I wanna hear then I wanna be with him. The night I met him, I knew that I missed him badly. I found out that his hug was the safest place all over the world. And at the moment, I realised one other thing; I know everything's gonna be fine with him around.

I dont Understand..

Following a small-and-not-so-important incident at a neighbouring blog, I have been questioning about one thing:

Is it a sinful thing to register myself to this gay dating web called manja*?

Shameful or pathetic, perhaps?

And the same question to this chatroom over IRC.. what's so wrong about cruising manja* and going online at the room?

I used to be chatting. Alot. My ex and I had a long-distance relationship that we'd go online every saturday, chatting from 13 to 18 hours. Dont get me wrong, we had phone conversations, too. Then we broke up. Yet I still go online. I even got to know some of my-ONS guy through chatting. Although I dont go online much today, but why do I get the impression that the whole chatting thing is 'oh-so-lame', 'so yesterday', or 'oh-so-fake'?? Is it just me?

And even if it's so, then what's wrong with that? What's wrong with manja*? People used their fake pics. So? People arent telling the truth. So?
I mean, come one, like you tell the truth all the time. And okay, maybe you get your boyfriend now from somewhere real, like a book-store, at university, at a clubbing night, and so on. But what's wrong with cruising through manja*?

So, no. I dont consider it pathetic, lame, not real, or anything. What's real in this world, after all? It's called fun. Nothing to lose. Okay, maybe being a grumpy a while for seeing someone who's so protective about his profile that he doesnt even have a self-pic. But the rest of it? It's just fine. And fun. Plus, maybe, eventually you'll really meet someone through chatting, through manja*.

And no, I wont feel sorry that I still have a manja* ID, I still go online at IRC even rarely. I make no apologise. It's not my fault that I havent met someone somewhere real. At least, I am not saying to myself that I am single-yet-not-available. I am not shutting myself down. I am not being melancholic and using that as a reason to be bitter to everyone else.

But I just dont understand..
What's with gay people?

Scar (To Those Who Have Just Had Their Heart Broken. WB.

The contest is a lions' fight. So chin up, put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds, celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You were in a lions' fight, Stevens. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar. [Richard Webber, to Isobel Stevens, Grey's Anatomy s04e12]

There's this thing called love. It blossoms on any soil, from the shiny palace to muddy swamp, from dawn to dusk, or even at time when you don't expect, much and it brings joy and beauty. You're suddenly this high-school boy again. Though the nurturing part is sometimes tiring, annoying, and making you wanna give up to some extent, you know deep inside your heart, you can't let it go. You won't. You don't want to. Because you're bonding. Because you have put your hope and faith to it.

Sometimes, you even think you're miserable. You think of him 24 hours a day - or maybe 16 hours a day, if in 8 hours of your night-sleep, you don't dream about him. You wanna meet him at every chances, and sweet nothings and words of love are just not enough to describe what you feel. You wanna kiss him. You wonder if he feels the same too. You wanna tell the world how much you love him, and here the problem comes: you can't do that, because you're not ready. Because the closet inside you is still a very comfortable place to escape from the cruel world. Partly, because you can't risk it all for a guy.. After all, you're a man too. You know exactly what men think. You know that your investment on opening up yourself is too big compared too the risk you're taking. You know that men aren't created to be faithful.

So, here's the misery again. You keep playing hide and seek. You become paranoids and anxious. But you can't let go. So you're telling yourself: This is not wrong. AJ is not a criminal. I am fine. It's love.

But is it worth it? Do you love him more than you love yourself? Or is it just better than being alone after all? Or just two men, with the same need, meet at one junction, and 'okay, lets do it'?

Then you lost the fight. He left you. Or he stopped choosing you. For someone else. For some ridiculous reasons like getting married. Marriage or parents may be a good reason. But it is lousy and cheesy. It only suggests one thing: you're not worth it for him to come out or to be claimed as his significant other. You keep second-guessing yourself. You're devastated. But you know, you'll heal. You'll find another guy. And the taste won't be the same.

This is not the first time. But each, still leaves you different kinds of scars.

Life, is not only about love, after all. Dont you think so?
Life, is too short to drown yourself in misery, thinking that you're damaged and scary and bitchy and nobody wants you.
Life, is too short for all that melancholic stuff..Once is a while is okay lar.
So now, lets celebrate. Anything. Your life. Your broken-heart. Your ex. Your future. Anything. You'll get better. Dont punish yourself more. You're not a choice for him. You're everything and the only one for someone else you have yet to meet.


And moreover, I know that you know..
that....

....doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up. [Alex Karev, Closing Voice Over, Grey's Anatomy s05e19]

Where's The Promised Happiness?

I was being mellow again. The whole morning. Hahaha.. I am not wallowing, so relax.

I just realised that I was a victim too. Victim of this cruel world - or to be specific, AJ world. To be more precise, I am a victim of AJ-social construct. Or is it just me?

I was browsing around the-site-where-you-can-be-a-model-for-any-kind-of-underpants-existed-without-pay-and-without-face-and-better-you-could-show-off-your-di*k-and-suddenly-you're-this-hottie-member-featured-by-the-site. Everybody seems to have a very nice chest and abs. Not that I am that into muscular things, or that being-a-model-like-I-described-above-with-too-many-dash is a sin. No, it's not that.

It's the affect for me.

I'd look down at my abs again. One round shape. Hahaha.. It's not abs. I've got a better vocab to describe: BELLY.

So, what to do next?
I browsed youtube, and found a few videos on abs training.
I downloaded the flv file. Then began training.
Then
.
.
.
Alamak! It hurt. Like hell. Stupid and silly. What I am doing this for, again? Jeez.

Anyway, it was the side story.
Back to the mellow things.
I was listening to various mellow songs I have on my stupid handphone. It supports blackberry yet no picture editor. So everytime I tried to post a narcist pict on facebook, it just said; File is too big. Yes, wish that my chest is that big too. Yeah yeah.

Back again.
I always adore Jay Chou. And everytime he released an album - which happens annually - I always find a special favourite song, like the song of the year for me. Last year, it was Rainbow (Cai Hong), and before that, there came Step Back (Tui Hou), and Maple (Feng), Common Jasmine Orange (Qi Li Xiang), and and.. haha. Back to the topic.

This year, my fave is Where's The Promised Happiness (Shuo Hao De Xing Fu Ne)..
Be careful. The mellow taste is so poisonous.

Here is the MV: