Sex and The Boy #2

Now I know what's the missing piece. It's LOV.. E. #selfquote

Have you ever felt a difficulty to make peace with yourself?


No, this is not about the self-denial that we see so often in PLU's lives. This is about the things you have done, and you're not so proud about it, so you try to give yourself an excuse. You feel really really bad about it that you try to explain what's really happening, for it was good. Somehow you're kind of regretting it, but it's not regret, because you actually enjoyed it. And by the end of the day, you intent to let it happen again. 

Yes, I'm talking about guilty pleasure. You know it's wrong, you know it's low, but we all know that all thing which is supposedly to be forbidden is very very sweet we get addicted. Everybody has it, so what's the big deal here? I am pretty much amazed that I find myself trying to come out with any logical explanation to make it tolerable and acceptable. To make everything okay, in the mere reason so that I could finally stop despise myself. And you already read it in the part one.


Like, what's forbidden about the sex? What's wrong with wanting sex? If it is wrong and forbidden then I am all wrong and forbidden since the beginning of time, right? Er...see? Here I go again. All that stuff. All that self-defense reasoning. And why am I beating myself this hard to explain something normal? Gee. Playing saint is really getting old, Ed. 

Sex is supposed to be liberating, right? It frees you from the urge, it gives you this particular sensation, and it is not wrong to want it again and again, right? To the top of that, isn't it supposed to be fun? I mean, the reason why sex is so addicting is because it's so fun, isn't it?
The moment where you can forget about the rest of the world?
The moment when you could just lie down, thinking about nothing, except the dopamine, the adrenaline, and any other sensation?
The moment where it's just you and him, and nothing else matters?


And right there, at the moment where I finally accepted the fact, surrendered myself to the guilty pleasure, at that exact time too I lost my appetite.


Yes.


A cute guy was holding you so tight, kissing you, and asking you how to serve you in the best way. Nice body, although not-all muscular, but still okay. Gentle attitude. Everything a guy like me could really imagine. And he was standing naked, standing so true that you didn't want to blink your eyes for this fear that he's going to disappear.
But something's off. There's this missing piece somewhere, and when you think that you have found it, you noticed that the pieces just did not fit anymore. So instead of the expected great sex, it went so-so. The fireworks just cooled off so easily that it didn't even leave any mark in the sky.


Was it because of the great expectation - meaning, the more you expect it to be great, the more it sucks?
Then where do you really draw the line; between a really good sex and a really big SLUT? How much sex could one have before people start labelling him a BIATCH? Or are we supposed to just not care, and go on with our lives, as sex is supposed to be private and limited to our bed-room only - or in some case, the car, the sofa, the garden, the bath-room, and so on? Even so, is it wrong to be a really GOOD slut when we're having sex?


So we picked up our clothes, and I looked at him, again. Trying to get a better look on his image. Still my type. Still the guy from my dream. As this empty feeling created a bigger and bigger hole in my chest, I smiled at him, with no intention to ever seeing him again. We said casual goodbye, and I tried to remember again what it was like at the first time I started doing no-string-attached-sex.


I was in a very dark place, trying to forget someone from the past by escaping into strangers' arms. Trying to get rid of his image, and trying to bargain my lonely nights just so it could be a little more bear-able. But he is just a past, now. I don't need to get under some guys to get over him anymore..


And as the sky was getting darker, I knew I had to move on.
I knew that I needed to have a better self-esteem.
I knew it's time to make peace with myself, and to embrace more of myself.
I knew, I needed to get a good night sleep.
There'd be a fight going on, very soon.

Sex and The Boy #1

The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every twenty eight seconds. Of course, that's straight men. With gay men, it's every nine. You can be at the supermarket or the laundromat or buying a fabulous shirt, when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy, hotter than the one you saw last weekend, or went home with the night before. Which explains why we're all at Babylon at one in the morning, instead of at home in bed. But who wants to be at home in bed, especially alone, when you can be here, knowing that at any moment, you might see him - the most beautiful man whoever lived... That is, until tomorrow night! By the way, that's me. Six-one, Forty six inch chest, sixteen inch biceps, twenty eight inch waist, a veritable God. I wish. Okay, that's me. Michael Novotny, the semi-cute boy-next-door type. Twenty nine, five-ten, one forty, nine and a half cut. Alright, so I exaggerate. But, like, who's told the truth since they invented cybersex? [Michael Novotny, Opening Narrative, QAF, s01e01]

"I want a conventional relationship," A friend of mine once told me. He explained further that he wanted a relationship where he had to chase after the right guy with a proper approach. He was a bit old-fashioned; he told me that a typical date was when you could talk in a decent conversation, get to know each other, have a dinner and a movie perhaps, before step into the sex part. If you watch Grey's Anatomy, it's like the new Mark "McSteamy" trying to be whole gentle and sweet instead of sleeping around. In short: it's not about sex, he said. 


And that thought have exactly been my way of life, until well.. a very long time ago. I used to be a guy who believed that true relationship could really stand the void of sex. I drew a big-fat line between LOVE and LUST, naively believed that when it's love, LUST could come as the last priority, because love is supposed to be able to conquer all, or so I thought. But as I step further and grow older, and thus meet more and more people-like-us, I have been wondering: where do the sex part stand in AJ relationship?


I mean, we're guys, right? And we're AJ. Sex is not really a big deal for us. We thought about sex more than we realize, more than we know, and more than we admit. We're supposed to be able to do it without attaching any feeling along, aren't we? You take off your clothes, your tongues meet, and BOOM! It happens. Simple, and fast. The urge, the lust, and the adrenaline are then transformed into a sticky white mud we say as orgasm. Five fu*king seconds of orgasm. Then the second round? The repeat order? You say. Sex is not scary, at all - that is, if you do it safely, and with responsibility. Sex is easy, as the Sunday morning, when you get to stay in bed really really late, thinking almost about nothing - well, except for the morning erection and the guy from the Saturday night. Sex is fun, sure fun, if you meet the right guy. And ultimately, sex is just the basic instinct we have, a very naturally mundane thing that we do.  

So I wonder: given its perks, has sex become some kind of compensation to affection? First, you meet this hot guy, and you're interested in him. You start worrying what to wear, what to say, what to do, because you want to impress him, and there's also the fact that AJ is like the most sensitive being in the world. Say something wrong, do something wrong, then it's a dead-end. So you need to be extra cautious. Then, with no intention to make it sound bad, I'd like to add the anxiety, jealousy, insecurity, and so on and so on you have when you're dating. 


Dating is not fun. Romantic, yes. But it's never the fun. See, we go out, wondering thousand of questions in our head: if he's really the one, if we're not under-dressed, if we're okay for him, if it's gonna be always and forever, and so on. We take the risks to have our heart broken and to have our ass busted, for what prize? Admit it or not: it has always been the sex part. Because we do know that by the end of the day, we get him in our bed. We get to say good night to him. We get to make love to him. We get to wake up beside him. And eventually, we get to not be alone at night.


Plus, for sure, even when you think dating is fun, there's no PDA we could show: no holding hands in public, no hugging in crowded space, no saying intimate things out loud.........and it just adds the paranoia perks on the dating part. Remember being discreet? Remember to act well? Remember that it's all about image? Unless you come out. But it's the scary part. So we stay in the closet. It gets claustrophobic every now and then. Still, try to put two guays in one small room. See what happen. 


Yes, S-E-X. And this is also when SEX comes in handy. It compensates everything bad. This is also why SEX has to come GOOD. I mean, really really good. Don't want to admit it, yet? Okay, picture this: go out with your boyfriend. Have a nice and decent dinner, when you have a decent conversation, get to know him better. Then perhaps a movie, a disco time, before you go home. But this time, omit the sex part. What's left there? A friend of mine even told me, a date without sex is no different than being just-a-friend with someone, and since he has many friends, there's no need to add a complete stranger to the list; it could get ugly.

So, good sex has always been a very important variable for us to consider a relationship with him, hasn't it? Or is it just me? Is it too cheap to even consider it? Is it too bitchy and slutty? Is it normal? 


I know that there's no rule, and playing saint is getting old. But deep down inside me, there's a small part that feels something is missing. It's like waking up knowing that you have a very sweet dream, but you can't remember what it is. For there's always a reason for one-night stand I've been conducting.. but does it make it okay to do so?

Date High

Honestly, and seriously, I have never done drugs before. And I dont plan on doing that in any near nor far future. So, I dont really get to say nor comment nor judge anything about getting high. But, I do know things about serotonin and dopamine. Relax, I wont depict anything scientific here - my point is that I get a picture about being high.

And that's what I feel whenever I begin dating. Whenever I am out to meet my soon-to-be date, or whenever I see him naked for the first time. The first kiss. The first touch. First sex. Anything that comes at the first time. It gives me anxiety and basically makes me forget where my feet are. It's like when you're getting drunk. You forget everything else - your life, your lousy love, your problems, anything.

I am not saying that I am being another escape artist who fears the commitment. But really, first dates, first kisses, all that come first, really give me this much fun. I dont have to worry anything else. I dont have to get jealous. I dont have to be insecure about myself. I dont have to be any other person but myself. And probably that's why I enjoy more any open relationship.

By saying open, I am not referring to you-can-see-other-people-because-I-do-see-other person-too. My selfish version of 'open' is that hey-lets-get-intimate-but-please-dont-say-you-want-a-relationship-with-me-nor-you-love-me. At my previous posting, I'd refer it as 'reserved', instead of 'in-a-relationship'. But those skeptical and cynical people - well, I think they would simply say 'engaged-with-a-fucking-buddy' - that is, someone you regularly sleep with, without string attached. A mutual relationship based on sex.

I am not proud of what I am writing here. But I do think that we - male species of Homo sapiens, are created with the need of challenge and adventure. We need the adrenaline. Moreover, unlike the female species, we're not created with the ability to endure pain and anxiety. We might have the 'durability', but we're not good at it. In my opinion, females are created with better emotion management, thus they can handle any baggage that comes with a relationship better. Plus, they have better moral compass.

We? The male? I am not giving excuse to justify our unfaithfulness. Admit it, we're not created to be faithful. But so what? It's not time to be a drama queen. So many people are being single out there, and they're fine. They may look around and wondering how happy any couples are, but believe me, dont ever cross the line just because you're lonely. And who said that couples dont have their own problems?

Truth is, everything around us is messy. Being single is messy sometimes, but it has its perks. Being in a relationship may make you seem completed, yet it comes with problems too. Having a fucking buddy? Is it a win-win solution for being semi-single and semi-taken? LOL. You tell me.

Man

I don't want a boyfriend
I need a real man!

(Jolin Tsai's Da Zhang Fu/Real Man)

Bangkok Love Story

Lets skip the lousy plot, first. Lets skip the lame action, second. Lets talk about the gay thing, third.

This movie - oh, you must have already watched it long before I wrote this, so lets skip that 'don't give me the spoiler' or 'you are so ancient-history' things - reminds me a lot about eternal summer. Everything resembles, and creates the same stereotype. The same tone, the same cinematography, same lousy plot - they're all so typical. I mean, I havent even once in my life seen a not-so-stereotypical-gay-movie. Well, there might be some - I havent watched Milk or Save Me, or oh-you-name-it, but it's all sad. Sad and sad. It's like pointing implicitly that being gay is doomed to be sad and tragic, forever. Is that so? You tell me.

I like the opening narrative -you can read it at my previous post. I like the story the narrator tried to set: A killer who's also gay, living in a situation where poverty hit him so hard, with a sick mother and brother. He's not pretty at all - thin and gloomy, and since most of the time he's shirtless, you cant really tell his fashion taste. Yes, that guy, Cloud, is very different from our picture about flamboyant things. That gays don't always look fabs even when they want to. Cloud's life was already hard, but the plot wasnt that good that it didnt capture all of this hardship. There were still a few room to explore, but the director managed not to give a damn about it.

He captured Shi (cute! see the pictures above! it's him), and later Shi, not him, fell in love with Cloud. For a reason I dont even know why. But that's the truth, isn't it? To fall in love without even a reason. He was married, and the marriage was only a cover story. Shi's first boyfriend even couldnt make him out of the closet. Cloud did. He even left everything behind, just to be with Cloud; even when Cloud's rejecting him, denying him and himself. He stayed. He stayed till the end. That's love. You dont run away from that. You dont hide from that.

I know, maybe some of you would then start thinking that it's only movie; in reality, it would be so dumb to do what Shi had done. Yeah, go ahead, and tell me that I am a dreamer. Whatever. Because I know, it'll be a hell lot easier when we stop believing such things. It'll be less painful and less dumb when we do things with no-string-attached. Shi might not exist, and I might be getting carried away. But I wanna be that kind of a man like Shi. Not just some cry-baby who walks away because the man of his dream isn't the same as the man who is standing right in front of him.

Still, it's lousy. The movie is lousy. Although I like how the director's trying to capture the beauty of Thailand, although Shi is said to be not the typically Thai boy, and although there're so many paradox living in the movie. No, not because Shi became blind, or Cloud died. No, not that.

It's how Shi became blind, and how Cloud died. It's not elegant. It's very annoying. It's very cheap. Or picisan, in Bahasa. You could have him died, and blind, but not in that way.

One thing I really learn from this movie, PLEASE DO SAFE SEX.
Love is not the same as fuc*ing him without using any safe things.
Love is not the same as you letting him fuc* you without any safe things.

ONS #6 and #7

There's nothing much I could remember that night. Mainly because he was THAT LAME. Seriously, I have never judged my partner before. I know I am not that good either, which is also why I never judged my partner. He's the first (and hopefully the last) exception. So, there's not much to tell here.

Meanwhile, my #7 was a real hot guy. The first guy with six-packs I've ever slept with. This guy was a real naughty one. A real unfaithful one. He cheated his ex, and the worst part was, his ex caught him red-handed. Geez, could you imagine that? He and his affair (obviously not me) at the time were still halfway to the orgasm when his ex knocked the door. The cheating couple then stayed silent, hoping that he would go away, yet he was smart enough to feel suspicious. Then he broke through the door, only to see the man he loved was naked with another guy...

Going home after the session, I thought to myself, hot guys are not to be real. They are good for your eyes, but not for your health.

Introducing....

Introducing........

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ONS #5

this gorgeous hunk was obtained here.

He was a paramedic. A paramedic who asked me to do something naughty with him. A naughty and hot paramedic who invited me to his dorm. An unfaithful paramedic who apparently, had a girlfriend. Wait. If you have a girlfriend, and you still sleep around with some boys, is it considered as cheating? You tell me.

I always had a thing with medical profession. From a paramedic to a medical doctor, to a pediatrician (who is labeled as 'half a doctor' at Private Practice), and to some extent, to a vet. And that night was not an exception. Although so, I let him make a move first. He turned on the computer, played some instrumental music. He turned off the light, so the screen saver from the computer created some romantic atmosphere. Suddenly, I got jealous with the girl whose pictures he kept. The lucky damned girl.

He hugged me. Very tight. But I knew deep down inside, it was not me that he was thinking. I didn't mind. This was meant to be nothing... He had a talented tongue. I had my quickest orgasm. *LOL*

I didn't stay the night, though he wanted me to. I guessed he took that as a sign that I was not interested. Yes, despite the paramedic thing, I was not interested, mainly because he had a girlfriend already. I didn't want to be a third party, and I would never want to be one.

ONS #4

I had no plan that night, on meeting anybody. There was no date. No anything in particular. I went to a internet cafe near my dorm (at the moment, there was no internet connection in my dorm), browsing for some material to support my report on one particular subject (can't quite remember what it was). 


As usual, though I don't do it anymore now, I went online at mIRC. So yesterday, right. Anyway, there I was, sitting in front of my computer, chatted with this stranger. He was 23 and 180 cm-height, a combination so rare to me. He requested to meet and it didn't take me forever to figure it out that he was in the same internet cafe. 


Despite the dreadful coincidence, we met outside. The devil inside me told me that, there was this myth that tall people usually has big dic*. Mine is not that big, FYI, so I was very curious to test the myth *Myth Buster mode on*. 


This guy was far from a shy one. it didn't took him long enough to undress me. He then started to undress himself, and there he stood with his naked body and a hard thingy. And I knew I was right; a tall person doesnt always have a big dic*. 


Right after the steamy session, he proposed me to be his boyfriend. I lied there, still naked, and silenced. What was I supposed to say? Nobody got interested in me that fast. Or was it because he knew I was still a virgin and he's so excited to devirginize (does this word exist?) me? I didn't know.

Although I visited him quite sometime after, there was no commitment. We parted a few months later, and at the Chinese New Year Eve, I met him. He greeted me, but I was not in quite the place to talk.

Look At Him

He's 52. Is it just me, or he is real hot? Or is it because of his role as a medical doctor, a profession that drives my passion and makes me kind of porny?

I just don't know. I don't mean that old people, 50-something-people couldn't be hot. It's just not fair, to some extent, for I am younger and I am not any way hotter (*ya iyalah..*).

Gosh.

I could just eat him alive.



So, meet Peter Wilder, MD, an alternative medicine specialist at the series Private Practice, played by Timothy Daly, the guy from The Sopranos. Gosh..

ONS #3

'Hope you don't mind, but my house is not quite charming,' he told me as we entered his 2-array home.

It was not that bad, indeed, the moment I stepped in his room. He turned on the television and sat on his double-bed. I sat myself, taking quite a distance from him, thinking that he might not want me.

Like my previous post, he was the one who came to me, and at first, I thought he wanted to kiss me, so I was ready in the position. Yet then he only hugged me: GOSH, HE JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW I WOULD REACT. And I made the wrong move, which was exactly what he had hoped for.

He whispered to my ear, 'I'm going downstairs, to take some water, so please wait here..'

The next thing I know, I was in his arm, and he kissed me. Mouth to mouth. Guess he's not the neck-kisser (*LOL*). And it was special, I thought. He didn't rush. He took his time. It's like he's been waiting for so long for that night.

Like the second post, it was not only once. i visited him quite a few time after. We went to a swimming pool once, and it was the safest swim I have ever had.
Lately, he told me he wanted to develop a more serious relationship with me. He told me he still kept all the SMS I sent him.

You know what was the outcome. On any other circumstances, I still believe that you would find somebody special through an ONS. That you have fight for the guy you want to be with, because he's worth it. On the top of that, although it's true that ONS is like networking (quoting boewatchat), I choose not to do this kind of networking. I choose the traditional way; if you think you want me, lets go on (a) simple dates(s), and lets work the way to a healthy relationship. It's not that difficult to do, right?

That’s what happens in relationships. If you want to keep it going, you forgive things that bother the crap out of you. If you DON’T want to keep it going, you dump the person. Or divorce them. You should not, under any circumstances, poison them with arsenic. That is bad. (Grey' Matter)

Chronicles of ONS

do you know what I have in my mind..now?

The clock near the desktop is showing 11:27 PM as I write this. (*so?*)

Some of you, who care enough, maybe have already thought me as a big hypo, for I wrote things about celibacy and - at the same time - stories about my ONS. Some of you may even think that I am showing off my narrow world - as you can probably tell, I give a lame sex - which is soooo nothing to be proud of. I am writing this just to show that I am not always the person who is against the ONS. I don't blame nor judge ONS-people, I just feel - FOR MYSELF - that it's far better if I leave that lifestyle behind. Sex, as I have told you guys before, is still sex, even if it's done without love. I have never considered sex as something sacred, nor dirty. I am not even in denial. I think.. I just need my own little space and time to be alone, to enjoy my being single currently. Moreover, I think it's time to focus on finding a decent guy, not some random sex..

AND, I am telling you guys (especially he and he and he), those ONS I wrote about happened quite some time ago. The last ONS I had was dated 16th January 2009, and I have posted the story as ONS #1. As for ONS #2, the sex happened before the ONS #1 - yes, I am writing it in reversed order. Why is that so? Because, the very first real sex I had was the very special one, so I wanted to keep juiciest story the last - hey, you guys keep the best for the last, don't you? *giggle*.

ONS #2

The night I saw him, I knew he was not my type. But the devil inside me knew exactly that I was his type. He adored me. It drove my curiousity; I just wanted to know how he would do me the sex.

So, I decided to take his invitation, spending the night in his dorm.

Nothing happened for the first minutes. Then he hugged me from behind, kissed my neck.
I felt the familiar tone, the familiar atmosphere. And that night, I finally knew how men could divide sex from love very well. I didn't know about him, but for me, it's nothing more than sex.

There was no intercourse session, and I was not hoping for it either, yet he gave a blowing-your-mind-kind-of-blow-job. He had a very nice tongue, and I could feel it all over me. Above all, I didn't just do it once, so I guess this cannot be labelled as ONS technically.

ONS #1

He was cute. Very cute, indeed. Naughty and hot. Steamy, but not dreamy, because he's real and stood right in front of me. He smiled, gently, not in any way pervert. He had a nice and smooth body.

So, the next thing I knew was, I was sitting on his bed, watching the television - the HBO, but couldnt remember what the movie was. He was lying on his bed, next to me, and we chatted a bit. I am not the type who would make the first move, so I waited, like a prince(ss). Everything was kind of porny, and steamy, and naughty, and hot, and... He suddenly grabbed me into his arm, he hugged me and kissed my neck. He then started to undress my shirt, and locked the door.

Well, I was not a saint that night.

Yin Ye 3 + 1 (My Best Pals)

Yin Ye 3 + 1 (read: Yin Ye san jia yi), also known as My Best Pals, is a taiwanese drama with genre of romantic-comedy. The setting is in a high-school, namely Yin Ye (if i am not mistaken, kinda forget). This series of 16 episodes aired at July 2007 to November 2007, kinda a year ago. I have watched it like a year ago, yet I have only managed to write about it now. Why? Because recently while I was browsing youtube for Ming Dao (ehm), I found the MV Zai Ci Xiang Xin (To believe Again), and I was like, 'isnt this the OST for the fab Yin Ye 3+1?'.

The storyline is somewhat cliche and very standard. There was this 4 childhood friends, Jia Jiang (AJ- Matthew Ming Dao), Fang Wei (FW-Jerry Huang), and Bulu (Jason Hsu) - the three guys - and a girl named Xia Tian (XT -Qiao En of 7flowers). So, 3 + 1 in the title means 3 guys and a girl.

AJ and XT is plotted to start developing feelings for each other. AJ kept denying this, here and there, for some silly reason (very typical!). Yet I recall that one of most touching moment of the series (for me), it was that when XT asked AJ's help (for what, I forgot). AJ was not willing at first, yet FW and Bulu kept pushing him to, so he finally agreed but with one condition: XT had to fight with him (he said it was like in their childhood) and the winner took all. They had already set the battlefield (a few chairs being piled together) when XT finally said, 'At moment like this, I really hope that my knight in shining armor would come and beat you in the ass..'.

XT ran away and cried. AJ, shocked, then decided to chase over her. He found her then, weeping, but felt that it was not the right time to approach. Soon, it was raining and AJ silently accompanied XT till she got home...

There was also this time, when XT was slapped (I forgot who did, but it was one of the students' father). AJ got emotional, and yelled at the furious father, saying 'His father even never slapped her! You dont have the right to slap her!'. XT was also the one who stood between FW and AJ when the two fought; XT even took FW's punch to protect AJ. Knowing how there would be someone protecting and supporting us, isn't that nice?

FW who had always liked XT then became the love rival of AJ. Yet, it was obvious who chose whom at the end of the drama. The question how and what happened, however, still remained for the viewers to find out. Personally, I favored FW more than I favored AJ. AJ was somewhat very romantic, but sometimes he could be very childish. Don't get me wrong, but I need to tell you that the first reason why I watched this series was because of Ming Dao. Then I saw this Jerry Huang, and I thought I fell in love (lol).

Here are the pictures of both. For your eyes only (lol)!

Too Good (to be true)

sorry, It's hot here. I need to cool myself.

Do you believe in mIRC? Do you chat a lot there?

Well, maybe it sounds like a geek, but after you watched Bukan Bintang Biasa the Movie, another Melly Goeslaw's project, perhaps it brings us a lil bit 'hope'. I havent watched it, so cant make comments any further, yet I can tell you that Ayu and Raffi started the relationship as cyber friends first. ^^

I chat a lot, at mIRC, practically everytime I go online, then you can find my nick at the local chatroom. I dont hope much - because I learn over time that chatting doesnt provide you anything else but false truth. Hypocrisy has become the second international language there. Cant blame anyone, there, because Mom teaches us not to talk to strangers, doesnt she? Anyway, let's leave the whole manipulative act and cheating first, cause it's not what I'm going to tell nor curse.

So, it was late evening when I queried this nick.
Like the standard and stinky and ancient procedure, we exchanged our stats. He's 27 or 28, 182-cm-height and about 78-kg-weight. Cant remember exactly, I just found myself happy coz his stats fitted my type.

We have a nice chat, and I made myself very obvious that I'm interested in the hunk. Later, he told me he needed to go. Unwilling to let him go without any traces, I told him that I'd be missing him badly, so I needed his number. He refused, but offered a meeting instead.

I didnt hope too much that he would showed up, since I knew that his residence was very far away from my place. Yet another half an hour passed by, and he called me, telling me that he's nearby. I walked out, and found his car.

I sat beside him. And soon I learned that he's very handsome. Very handsome : his grandma was Dutch, and he has his grandma's hazel eyes, with the beautiful nose.

He drove me to my place again, but since it's late already, I didnt offer him to come in. SO we only had the conversation in his car.
Apparently, from the conversation, I knew that he's a medical doctor....
A doctor. A med doctor in my wild daydream now was in front of me. A tall and handsome and mature med doctor.

I was overwhelmed with gratitude. He's friendly, nice, and mannered. I thought to myself that I would never let him go...

Yet, apparently, I was too quick to conclude.
He told me that he will have a wedding this year, around August.
I feel happy for him. I wish his happiness. I told him that i'd better to keep the good image of him inside my memory. No lust involved. He agreed and seemed to understand.

So I say farewell to my dream, feeling the pain and amusement at the same time.

At least I know, good guys exist.