The Source of Happiness

How do you define happiness? Being happy? 

Is it the time when you smile idiotically, when you get what you want, when you're with someone you love, or when you know everything in your life..is just fine? When you wake up to somebody you wanna be with, when you kiss good night the person you're just making love with, or when you see your kids are growing up so amazingly?


Is it in the time when life makes you hold your breathe for a while, takes your breath away for a moment, and you just feel the warmth in your chest, so warm that perhaps you wanna cry? 


Really, what is happiness? Is it external? Is it internal? Is it defined by things you can buy, or what your money can't bring? Is it defined by the guy who stands so true besides you? Is it defined by his act; for example watching a NEW MOON movie at cinema, while wearing his earphone, literally, just because you have asked him to accompany you to? Is it defined by the feeling you feel inside you when the lust has just been transformed into some sticky fluid? Is it in the moment you capture with your camera, and then you see it over and over again? 


For me, love is not happiness. Love doesn't bring you (only) happiness. Let alone marriage. So the guy with whom you share your life with? It's just a partnership, a relationship where the two of you make a pact of commitment. Things you buy? It's just luxury, and it gives you convenience. Moment so good in front of you? It's achievement. It's your blessing. 


But they're all, not happiness. They're just not. Happiness is internal. Happiness is more like, an intimate session with yourself. Happiness is like you sweating over a sport; you can't have others sweat for you. It's like the urge to pee, and you have to do it yourself, because you can't transfer it to yourself. It's like the pain. You can't share your pain with somebody else. He might be a shoulder to cry on for you; but he's never you. He might say he'd understand, but he's never you. Happiness can't be transferred. It's contagious, only because we're taught to rejoice in other's happiness. We feel happy because he's happy. But we're not sharing the same happiness... 


Pathetic? Miserable? Hopeless? No. 
All I am saying, happiness is also a choice. We can choose to be happy. Because it's all up to us. It's personal, it's intimate, and at least, we're being sincere to ourselves. Now, why don't we welcome the source of happiness within us?

Getting an Edward

I am not a fan. Really. And by all means. I don't even read the novel. My first encounter with the first book made me Ooey-gooey in a away that made me almost vomit. I didn't, thankfully, because I knew the right moment to let go of the book.

It all happened in one night: a bunch of friends bought the ticket already, and suddenly one of them couldn't make it. So they asked me, helplessly, more because they knew I was a helpful person. I agreed to go, and I really thought the movie was over-rated. So typical, so chick-lit. Yet, amazingly, all the girls in the world were crazy about the guy.

The guy was not even that cute. Not my type, at least *but I'd give a second thought if he came on me, LOL*. 

It didn't take much time to conclude: A guy, very handsome in a beautiful way and outstanding, in a loner way. Smart, that he could do almost anything, yet foolish enough to do stupid things for you. Strong, that he could make you feel safe in his arms, yet so fragile that he couldn't live without you. Special, in a way that he could read thoughts, but also helpless before you, for he couldn't read you. And you're just this ordinary girl. Nothing's special with you, yet he chose you. Yet he couldn't live without you. Yet he chose to die if living meant a life without you. So romantic, that he even composed a song for you, yet creepy in a way that he wanted your blood, your life, but could somehow manage it because he loved you too much.

So, it's more like a package. You buy a thing, and after you un-wrap, you know you buy a complete set, making you so crazy in love, losing yourself, and can't seek for anyone anymore. It's like saying that you can find your prince charming, even though you're this ordinary girl with nothing special.

Girls want an Edward. PLU perhaps want an Edward.
But mostly, people forget that to get an Edward, they have to be an Edward.
They perhaps forget that Bella was actually that good, that she deserved her Edward. She's willing to let go anything she's known for years: her life, her parents, her everything. Are we that type of person? Or are we just a person who'd wait for someone like Edward, and then to give everything like Bella did? Or are we hiding in a theory that there's no such thing in this world, thus it's no use to give out everything cause it's merely stupid?

I believe in fairy-tale. But I do think that Twilight is too much.
So no, I am not in a queue to get Robert's autograph. A strip club perhaps is better.

Sampai Ketemu Lagi... :-)

kamu ingat ketika pertama kali kita berantem? ketika pertama kali kamu sebal setengah hidup padaku? Ketika kamu bilang, aku terlalu banyak curhat padamu? Dan aku minta maaf waktu itu. Itu yang kamu tahu. Tapi setelah itu, aku berjanji pada diriku sendiri untuk mengurangi curhatku. 

Lalu kita janjian ketemu. Dan ternyata sesuatu terjadi, dan aku ga bisa. Aku benar-benar minta maaf waktu itu. Karena aku merasa benar-benar bersalah. dan tidak sedetikpun aku menuntutmu untuk memahami posisiku. Karena ada begitu banyak 'seharusnya' yang sampai sekarangpun, masih kusesali. Dan terutama karena aku tak cukup punya keberanian untuk bercerita pada teman-temanku yang straight, bahwa aku seperti ini. Karena sampai kapanpun, aku tak akan bisa menggabungkan teman-temanku yang straight dan yang PLU.. 

Kemudian kamu menghilang. Entah untuk berapa lama, aku tak tahu. Tapi setelah itu, semuanya berjalan seperti biasa. Aku merasa kita semakin akrab. Aku merasa menemukan seorang A'a yang lama hilang. Yang barangkali memang selalu ada di sana. Kata orang, di blogmu bahkan, memaafkan tidak sama dengan melupakan. Tetapi aku begitu percaya waktu itu, semua yang berlalu memang telah berlalu...

Tapi kemudian aku melakukannya lagi. Aku sakit, karena terlalu capai di Singapore. Andai kamu tahu apa yang terjadi di sana. Tapi aku meminta maaf, meskipun aku mengatakan di blogku kalau aku tak merasa bersalah. Aku minta maaf memang bukan karena merasa bersalah, tetapi lebih karena telah membuatmu merasakan apapun yang kamu rasakan... Entah itu galau, entah itu kesal, entah itu rasa sepi. Entahlah. Aku ingin bertanya, tetapi aku merasa keberadaanku malah membuat hidupmu ruwet. Membuatmu tambah tak bahagia.

Aku tak pernah menyalahkanmu. Sampai sekarangpun. Aku berusaha memaklumimu, dan menyimpan rasa kehilangan itu, lalu menggantinya dengan sebentuk rasa kecewa. Kamu ingat ketika pertama kali aku bilang kecewa padamu? Kamu malah mengusirku, dan mengatakan bagaimana dirimu tak pantas menjadi seorang A'a bagiku.

Ah, kamu tahu, sakit sekali rasanya mendengarmu mengucapkan kata-kata itu. dengan begitu mudahnya. Tapi sekali lagi, aku tak bisa menggugat. Tak bisa juga menuntut. Kamu adalah kamu, dan aku bukan siapa-siapa. Dan barangkali memang tak akan pernah menjadi siapa-siapa.  Sehingga dengan mudahnya Engkau bisa mengatakan sesuatu seperti 'buang saja ke laut..'

Dan barangkali inilah saatnya untuk belajar melepaskan. Seperti hujan yang tak tergenggam, seperti pelangi yang indah dalam sesaat-nya.

Terima kasih.

Maafkan aku.

Sampai ketemu lagi di suatu ketika.

Karena kamu tahu, aku masih akan di sini.