Why don't you like me without making me try?

I wanna talk to you.
(The last time we talked Mr. Smith
you reduced me to tears.
I promise you that wont happen again)

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

(getting angry doesn't solve anything)

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why dont you like me
Why dont you like me
Why dont you like yourself?

Should I bend over?
Should I look older
just to be put on your shelf?
 
Say what you want to satisfy yourself
hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want,
you want

(Humphrey we're leaving)

KACHINGA!!

|Mika - Grace Kelly, from the album Life in Cartoon Motion

Perhaps this song wasn't really new to you. But I am currently going crazy for this song, and when I am crazy about something, I have this urge to write about it, so pardon me - either for being too late to know everything, or for being obsessed. LOL.

Anyway, firstly, I thought that this song was about a boy, or an AJ, who's trying too hard to be liked, that he started to second-guess himself, feel insecure, and in the end- try to be someone he's not. But then he felt angry that he desperately tried to prove that he was actually a lot more than people had thought about him.Perhaps, up to this point, you'd start thinking that the song - and me who's so obsessed about it - was really really anak-baru-gede-banget; plus the very basic fact that I am still considered mentally as a brondong..

Brondong-song and brondong-fan.. what a perfect combination, right? Perhaps you'd start to think that I liked this song because it's like that the song perfectly matches my condition right now.. but you're wrong. Other than the catchy rhythm, the bitchy singer, the perfect falsetto,what I really like about this song was not because all those things above; but more to the process itself. In the end, the singer learnt when the exact time was to let go of his effort and to move on. It's not the same as giving up on someone or something, but to me, it's more like being pragmatic, pratical, and efficient. Because who knows, that we can be better off.

And it was the truth with Mika, the singer.
Let's take a look about the history of the song: according to Mighty Google, it was designed to be a mocking satire of musicians who try to reinvent themselves to be popular, while Mika, the singer himself, claimed that the song was inspired after a bad experience with a record company executive, in which he was told to be more like Craig David. Well, eventually, we all know that Mika gains popularity by being himself. This song itself even reached #1 as its peak position in a few countries, and he did it without imitating anybody, not Grace Kelly, Robbie Williams, George Michael, Elton, and even Freddie Mercury - yes, the Freddy referred in the song - though Mika is said to have a voice almost similar to Freddie.

True, it's sad when people don't even like you without making you try, but when he even doesnt wanna take a chance on us, why bother? He doesnt know what he misses, right, but he doesn't even bother to try to know. So the only thing left to do for us is to walk away. Save ourselves from a failed-attempt; after all, the sea is salty enough, you don't have to throw tons of salt anymore into it.

Quoting Ryan Atwood from the OC, if you're trying to hard, then it's not working. Even if you try, you'll only end up miserable, isn't it? True, you have to fight for someone you love, something you like, because it's never easy, but you also have to know when is the time to let go. Life is also about compromising, and one of the compromising we have to do constantly is the one we do with our heart and our dream.

So now, I am letting go what's not supposed to be mine.
And I am happy that my teeth are actually hurt. LOL. 

Untitled.

Burke...
Burke was, uh...
He took something from me. He took little pieces of me...Little pieces over time, so small.. I didn't notice, you know?
He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted.
One day I was me- Cristina Yang. And then suddenly I was lying for him and, uh, jeopardizing my career and, uh,..agreeing to be married.
And wearing a ring and being a bride... Until I was standing there...in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn't Cristina Yang anymore.
And even then, I would've married him.
I would have.


I lost myself for a long time.
And now...that I'm finally me again...
I can't...


I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke.
I love you.
And that scares the crap out of me because...


When you asked me to ignore Teddy's page, You took a piece of me...And I let you. And...that will never happen... Again.

                                      |Cristina Yang to Owen Hunt, Grey's Anatomy, S06E14

Perhaps, the me I am currently, is still that cynical person who thinks everything in a pessimistic way, solely for he believes that this way, he could really protect himself from being hurt.
Perhaps, the me I am right now, is still a selfish little boy who's trying too hard to make the world seem a more logical place, to make more sense of the life he's living.
Perhaps, the me I am this moment, is still that silly young man who's so naively questioning about happiness and what it has to do with love.
Perhaps, the me I am today, is still that one AJ who's desperately trying to personify LOVE, to define LOVE..


But...

Hopefully, there'd be a day, when he really knows that PAIN and HURT are just the process of living a wonderful life.. that PAIN and HURT and TEARS, perhaps, would help him grow wiser and stronger..

Hopefully, there'd come a moment, when he finally sees the world as it is, without judging, without frowning, but only with one big SMILE..

Hopefully, there may be a time in his life, that he finally could share happiness with people he loves that much... and at the time, hopefully also, he knows by his heart that love, as happiness, comes in so many forms... that all he needs to do is... to count his blessing.

Hopefully, there'd be a life ahead, when he could feel what Cristina Yang had been feeling, experiencing.......A love so scary, so over-whelming.. yet there, real, and he just can't live with it. Because love, is to celebrate. 

Sakauku akan Engkau

di bukit hanya telau,
menyisakan sedikit suara parau
karena rindu yang kuteriakkan dari sini, tak kunjung bisa kau dengar..

di bukit hanya kemarau,
dan di sana telah lama kujemur kenangan lampau
karena ia terus-menerus basah oleh air mata yang merembes dari luka ini...

di bukit hanya galau

maka ijinkan aku kembali memeluk sakauku akan engkau

janji, aku juga ingin sembuh dari semua ini..

*as posted as comments in Pohon's blog

Coffee, Tea, and Good Bye

太浓了吧否则怎会苦的说不出话

Is it too thick? Otherwise, how could it be that bitter that even you're speechless?

每次都一个人在自问自答

Everytime, it's like very silent,that one's only thinking to himself

我们的爱到底还在吗

Our love, is it still there after all?

One crowded coffee shop. One lousy table. One hot afternoon.

Two chairs. Two cup of coffee. Two people, sitting across to each other. 

So close, yet there's no gap more distant than the current situation. 

So silent, that even you could hear your own heart-beat. 

And for so-and-so much times, we had exchanged gaze to just turn it to somewhere else.

For at each time we looked at each other, perhaps we still couldn't find the answer: our love, was it still there after all?

已经淡了吧多放些糖也很难有变化

Has it become too insipid, that even when you add more sugar, it'd still be indifferent?

不如喝    这杯就各自回家

Isn't it better that we finish this cup, then go home in our own?

别坐在对面欣赏我的挣扎

Don't just sit across me to enjoy my struggle

You know, for me, there's no such thing as a failed-coffee. No matter how thick you made it, how bitter it'd be, there'd be a second chance. You could add more hot water, more sugar, and so on. You could pour some milk. When it's cold, then you could just re-heat it. 

But it is not the same case in a romantic relationship. There's no manual. When the feeling is gone, it's gone. When it's not working, it's not working. 

So I guessed, that's what we realised from behind our own coffee cup. We saw the truth in each other's eyes, and to some extent, it's so painful that we needed to turn the gaze into somewhere else. I knew we're being escapist; but really, was there anything we could do?

He lifted his cup again. I looked at my watch. The break was almost over. 

Someone somehow had to make a decision.

一场失败的爱情像个笑话

One failed romantic relationship, it's like a joke

热得时候心乱如麻

that when it's hot, one could be terribly restless

冷了以后看见自己够傻

and when it's cold, he'd find himself being stupid enough

人怎么会如此容易无法自拔

Why people are just helpless to obsession?

I smiled upon noticing how he enjoyed his coffee. Then I recalled all the sweet-nothings, all the messages and phone calls we had made. It was so intense that at some point, I got addicted. A day without it all, was a day when I was being restless. And his words were just like the drugs, where upon taking it, one could just forget the reality and get trapped inside a fantasy land where there's no pain and sadness...

But now? As I drank my coffee to almost the last sip, I wondered if what I felt, and perhaps what he felt, was really love. After all, you couldn't fall for someone that fast. It wouldn't make sense. And perhaps, there's a part of me that believed, what comes fast would end that fast. 

So I gazed at him again. In the name of the past, and all the effort he had paid for me, I at least owed him that there's no use to label what we used to have.

一场无味的爱情像个谎话

One tasteless romantic relationship is like a lie

甜的时候只相信它

that when it's sweet, you could only believe him

苦了以后每一句都可怕

and after it's gone bitter, every words (he said) is just scary

人怎么会如此难以了无牵挂

Why is it this difficult to have no concern?

So we drank the very last drop of our coffee. We shaked hands, for the friendship in the moment and the future. We said goodbye. 

*Songs: Ka Fei (coffee) by Jacky Cheung.

Padamu

Satu-satu

rasa bergema pada waktu

padamu yang satu,

hatiku

membatu

*

Dua-dua

gerimis bersua di ruah

padamu jua,

hatiku 

menua

*

Sebab semua tak pernah sampai tiga

sebelum luka merah menganga

padamu yang sesaat seperti senja jingga,

hatiku

berjelaga

* gambar dari sini.

Coffee, Tea, and I Love you (part 2)

Espresso. Americano. Double-shot.

There are three things he at least loves about coffee. Aroma, flavor, and caffeine. Just like the life from behind his glasses: it’s about Love, Dream, and Pain. Aroma is like the Love; in which it is responsible for the flavor, and therefore, is the most important attribute to specialty coffee. Love, hence, is a one emotion that brings us to our existence. Love of a mother, a couple, and to each other. It’s the bond that binds us together.

Flavor is the Dream; it gives you the experience of mild, smooth, and even bold. Then along comes the mouthfeel… Bitter? Sweet? Acid? Plain? Dream keeps us alive. Keep us going on even when we feel like we’re giving up. It gives us hope, that there’s perhaps someone, something, that somehow waits for us by the end of our journey.

Caffeine is about the pain; it keeps us awake, and to some extent, it becomes the insomniac itself. It is addictive, and we can’t run away from it, even we know we want to, and we have to. Just like the pain. Love gives us life, dream keeps us alive, but pain.. it helps us realizing that we’re alive. It stings every now and then, it brings tears, it keeps us awake during our lonely night, and we feel the pain inside our chest… but it’s there to help us stronger. It helps us treasuring what we have. Pain is just tragically beautiful.

Latte. Macchiato. Misto.

He stared at a blank point in front of him. Someone somewhere he didn’t know when, had discovered the miracle of a mixture of milk and coffee. It sure adds the fun of drinking coffee.

Mix 1/3 coffee with 2/3 milk, and voila, you have Latte. Mix it 50-50, then you have Misto. When you only use the milk as a stain? You’ll have what they label as Macchiato. But… where’s the coffee?

When milk is bargaining the dark and black coffee to a brownish beverage, is the coffee gone? Is the milk gone? Or they’re just trying to compromise, to make a room for each other in a claustrophobic cup? Or, they’re just getting married, and living their own happily ever after, without even asking who’s who?

Is it just like us? That when you’re deep in love with someone, something, does it mean that you’re slowly, but surely, losing yourself?

We wake up in the morning, and the first person we’re thinking about is him. The first person we’d want to find is him. We wonder if he has a good night sleep, a sweet dream, and if he sees us in his dream. We can’t sleep without him beside us in the night. And the next thing we know is, we plan our life,your future, and he is one of the variables we’d like to consider. Before we even realize, we’d find ourselves not being able to live a day without him. For to love someone so madly, so deeply, and so truly, it means that we’d have to put aside your feeling, doesn’t it? And we’d try to understand him more and more everyday. This is when Math can’t explain why Two could become One.

Flat white. Frappuccino. Cappuccino.

Is it true? Or is it just this silly lover-bird concept?

Wait. Is it stupid to fall for someone so deeply, so madly, so truly to the extent that you’re just losing yourself? Or is it just not possible to lose yourself, for we all are these selfish jerks who wrap ourselves in a nice outfit, so that the wolf inside us would look like a sweet sheep outside? That somehow, we’re still ourselves, and we’re just trying to make room for him in our heart, from a guest to a permanent resident to a citizen… while at the same, we’re also preparing our heart for him leaving when it gets so claustrophobic?

Love….really, how can you measure it if it’s supposed to be un-measured-able?

He sighed and sighed. It’s been an hour or so, he guessed.
As much as he wanted a YES for the question, he knew that deep inside, people never really lose themselves in the name of love.

Kopi luwak. Kopi tubruk. Kopi Sumatera.

Because if we’re to lose ourselves, then why we put so many labels around us?

Put coffee beans to a hot water. The water turns black, and we don’t call it water. Put milk in the coffee, then we’d have latte, macchiato, or misto. Somehow, we fail to see the true identity within: the water. Coffee is just water. Milk is just water. And they’re just label.

The labels further then create barrier to anything around us. We can’t mix tea with coffee, because the two don’t mix. We can’t mix Kopi Luwak with instant coffee. We can’t even brew coffee with cold water. Whereas we know, they’re all just water.

It’s like us. Even when we know it’s only LOVE we’re talking about, it is known that a love between two males is wrong – or to put in a lighter word, not normal. Beyond the gender, beyond the tradition, it’s simply love. Why is it that the kind of love is forbidden?

Coffee. Tea. Milk.

He’s tired.
And he found himself staring back at him from the glass-wall beside him: a dark and black coffee on the surface. Inside? A bitter person who probably had forgotten how to be happy. A caffeinated insomniac who chose not to sleep in the night, for the loneliness was actually that creepy from him. A damaged person who so desperately wanted to run away, to escape, and to deny from and about himself. A silly lover who foolishly fell for tea, despite he knew that there’s no any chance that they could be together.

So he grabbed the menu list once again.
He looked at the coffee list, and the tea list.
This time, he ordered a cup of hot water.

Song: Zhi Yin Wei Ni ( Because of you )

This song reminds me about a particular someone. 
I promised him that I'd post it on my blog, and so I did. 
For the song, go to this link.
Meanwhile, enjoy!

张栋梁 - 只因为你
Nicholas Teo- Zhi Yin Wei Ni ( Because of you )



从清晨露出微笑的金黄
cong qing chen lou chu wei xiao de jin huang
From the moment Morning shows the yellowish golden smile

我知道我不会再孤单
wo zhi dao wo bu hui zai gu dan
I know I won’t be lonely anymore

看你为我绽放的脸庞 放在心上
kan ni wei wo zhan fang de lian pang fang zai xin shang
Seeing your blushing face because of me, I put it on top of my heart

有了你我的世界不一样
you le ni wo de shi jie bu yi yang
Having had you, my world would not be the same

童话里幸福终结了忧伤
tong hua li xing fu zhong jie le you shang
In fairy tales, happiness will end sorrow and grief

你是我最靠近的坚强
ni shi wo zui kao jin de jian qiang
You are the strength that i depend the most

有你陪我自在地翱翔抬头仰望
you ni pei wo zi zai de ao xiang tai tou yang wang
With u accompanying me, carefreely hovering (the sky), raising head to look forward

天空变成一座游乐场
tian kong bian cheng yi zuo you le chang
The sky (then) turns into a playground

世界更明亮
shi jie geng ming liang
The world is brighter


只因为你我情不自禁 闭上眼睛
zhi yin wei ni wo qing bu zi jin bi shang yan jing
Because of you, I can’t help, even when closing my eyes,

心里想了想还是你
xin li xiang le xiang hai shi ni
(that) In my heart, having thought about it over, it’s always you..

不让你离开我的手心 呵护着你
bu rang ni li kai wo de shou xin he hu zhe ni
Won’t let you get off my palms, (I want to) cherish you

幻想着紧抱在我怀里 
huan xiang zhe jin bao zai wo huai li
Dreaming that I hold you tightly in my arms

只因为你我情不自禁这样为你
zhi yin wei ni wo qing bu zi jin zhe yang wei ni
Because of you, I can’t help but being this way for you

证明我不再孩子气
zheng ming wo bu zai hai zi qi
Proving that I am not childish anymore

如果有一天我们老去寸步不离
ru guo you yi tian wo men lao qu cun bu bu li
If one day (when) we grow old, and can’t be separated from each other,

回忆里如镜子都是你
hui yi li ru jing zi dou shi ni
In my memory, (clear) like the mirror, it’s all you

Coffee, Tea, and I Love You

a promise to him

He wished he were a glass of milk.

Do you remember when you're this little baby who couldn't eat anything other than milk? And when you're older, you had a glass of warm and sweet milk, then you'd brush your teeth before safely reached for your bed. It's the safe feeling that you're gonna be fine during the dark night and sound sleep, because you knew that Mom had already made the milk evil-proof; and you're immune to anything bad. Because you knew that there's this little pray that Mom had silently poured along with the liquid, that you knew somehow, despite the nightmare, you'd be fine. Mom was gonna be there.

This was not about it.

Because now, he had grown out to a fine man. It's his turn to take care of his Mom... 

Do you remember the first time you knew strawberry? Chocolate? And perhaps honey? All the sweets, they're tasty but bad for your teeth. But then the chemical people blend those sweets you adore into chocolate milk, strawberry milk, and so on. You're happy that for the first time in your life, milk was not that plain anymore. Milk was not always white anymore. And it gave a sense of luxury. The sense of a sophisticated personality; for now milk is chemically processed.

But this was also not about it.

Because all he ever wanted to be was only a decent guy, a simple and down-to-earth guy. He didn't wanna be special, because it's merely not who he was.

He knew it best that milk was healty. Milk had anything a person could want. Carbohydrate to protein to fat. To vitamin and minerals. Even those who couldn't digest lactose in a milk, could actually use a fermented milk they called as yoghurt. Yes, it was sour. But go to Sour Sally and take a look on happy and satisfied people. They love their yoghurt. Too much fat? Try the low-fat milk. Need more calcium? Easy, just find a certain brand. Want to gain weight? Turn to milk.

Yet again, that was not what he wanted.

Because he learnt that by time, you couldn't be everything for a person. It's tiring and useless.

He really wished that he were a glass of milk.

Not in the sense that he's not grateful for what he's now.

He knew that so many people favored him over some other things. He knew that in a humble way, he's perfect. That he should be counting his blessings.

But, the bottomline here is, he fell for a cup of coffee.

So bitter that it almost sucked out all the happiness known to people.

So black that it was color-blind.

So caffeinated that it was representing the insomniac nights you had when you're working up late, and there's no one to come home to.

So he wanted to be a glass of white milk.

So sweet that perhaps he could trade the sadness into a smile; even a light smile would be enough.

So white that he could bargain the darkness into grey, or brown.

So relaxing, caffein-free, that perhaps he could bring some peace to the night.

So that he could be together with a cup of coffee.... There. Simple. Easy.

But he's just a glass of tea.

The Love of Siam..

 warning: SPOILER!

(+)Ohh. Too bad. That's the last piece.
(-) It's ok. I'm happy enough that you bought this for me.

How do you know when is the first time you feel the love in your heart? Do you realise it when you feel that your heart is pounding? Or when you find yourself keep thinking about him? Or is it just the rush in the first minutes when your eyes meet his, then you have this urge that you simply can't avoid, can't escape, nor can you hide?

For me, I prefer a love that appears so silently, so suddenly, that you don't even realise that it's love, until the very first day you find yourself can't live without him. You agonize over the misery of parting with him. And you keep counting the day, till you both will meet again. Then you start to wonder, when the day comes under your nose, what would have been? What would you say? Would he still be the same? Nevertheless, you hold this ticket so tight in your heart, travelling through the train of time, and hoping that one day, you'd make a stop at a right station: a station which would bring you guys together again...

Have you heard that there is a place?

If we get there, we
will have everything.

It will wait for us at the end of the way.

And we need only one ticket.

We can go and come back many times.

What will you tell me when you come back?

I'm wondering if it's true.
I want to see it.

Even if I have to go by foot.
If there's something when I get there.

Even if the ticket is so expensive.

Whatever I have to pay, I'll get it.

So, there they were. They eventually met. And it was difficult to avoid the chemistry between the two teenager. Was it because they're childhood friends? Was it because they're finally meeting each other again? Was it because of love? Was it because the sweet past that Tong had before his sister was gone?

So many 'how have you been?'s were thrown in the atmosphere, and you can't help but smile. It was sweet. It was adorable. But did Tong come in too late? Too late in the sense that Mew was already damaged to some point that he was actually feeling frighteningly lonely... But is there really a 'too late' in term of love?

If we love someone so much, How can we bear it that one day we will be separated by death? And... that losing someone is part of life? Is it possible, Tong? That we love someone, and we're not afraid of losing them. At the same time, I was wondering...Is it possible...that we can live without loving anyone at all? That's my loneliness..I have lived with it for 5 years. I really know how bad that feels. And it will get worse....

And in the end, were those question really important? Because they actually met. You'd think that he could help Mew wipe away the sorrow, the pain, and he could actually share his loneliness. So he let his guard down. It was like finding the lyrics for your melody. And together, you're just completed. Mew wrote the song, so beautiful that it was actually painful, especially when you knew what happened in the end. To see such a sweet and happy smile from his face; it was like he's saying that he'd finally met someone. Someone that made everything seemed to be not that worse.

That song. It's so beautiful. How did you write it?
Umm. Without you, there won't be such a song. What do you say after listening to it?
I don't know.

Then a kiss. A kiss was supposed to be more than a word could say, wasn't it? You touched your lips, and you could still feel the warmth. You're happy that you didn't even try to ask: what was that kiss for? Why did he kiss me? Was it a love so pure? Was it a feeling so naive? Was it something that you just won't find anymore? There, I actually could draw a line: It's love, it's not lust. Puppy love, you might say; Not real, you might judge, but really, it's not time to be so cynical here.

So, as the minutes of the movie went by, there was this hope, in my chest, that this was finally it. That this is the happy ending I have longed for.

I can't be with you as a boyfriend, but it doesn't mean I don't love you..

My world stopped.

I had to admit that what Tong said bothered me a lot, to the extent that I cried, alone, in the middle of the night. Yet I was also amazed to find myself trying to look for a reason why they couldn't be together. Come on, Tong said he loved Mew. I am a person who believes that there shouldn't be any other reason that two people are not in a relationship other than that they don't love each other enough. Then, does that mean Tong was just not that into Mew? If that's not the reason, then what? Was it because Tong perhaps thought that he wasn't the best for Mew? Was it because his family background and condition were already leaving no room for Mew? Or...

...was it because destiny forbid them being together? 

I can see no path that can lead me forward

In darkness with my lonely heart

In darkness without your heart near mine

The night can be so very long,

When I can see no light from the sky

The more I look around, the more I become afraid

Of the night that has yet to pass

Is there any other way to go?

I know the sun will shine tomorrow

When we are in the new morning,

I hope that we will find the way

Or my heart will be in the endless night

When the sorrow of yesterdays,

come crushing on my lonely heart

The reason I lost our love is because

I neglected the needs of both our hearts

My suffering became an endless night

but it will soon come to pass

As long as time goes by so will my sorrow

Because the thought of our love means there is no endless night

When we are in the new morning, we'll find a way from this endless night

You must recognize the familiar dark feeling inside your heart. Still, within the same time, there's also this hope you keep burning. That we all are struggling to come to terms with who and what we are.

And as I was writing this, I was once again reminded: Why there must be a label for everything? One just has to label his own feeling towards someone: hate? love? anxious? worry? Throw me your adjectives. So many out there describing the sole emotion we have. Is it just me or is it true that emotion supposedly can't be described with words? Then after the label for what you feel, you go on labelling him. What do you want him to be in your life? A friend? A soul-mate? A boy-friend? The one and only? What? Has LABEL become an important part in our life? What does it show? A commitment? A respect? Responsible? Can we be happy without the label? Or are we just gonna end up un-satisfied, wondering, and all?

Overall, would I say that this is sad? Despite the tears?

No.

I would say that this movie is so beautiful. So haunting, because once more, we're shown that there's hope. There's love. There's happiness...

...Because you have so much love for one another.
Even though, sometimes,it seems to be too much...that it hurts you, but I believe...when time goes by...we would all understand...that there is no such thing as 'too much love'.

And deep down, I promise to myself, that I'd be happy.

I'd be happy with the love filling my chest, for a man standing so close by my side....

But now,

well,

I could really use a hug. :-)

The Dream Guy

Ally: Love isn't always enough.
Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough, and you realize it's everything.

Ally:....

(Ally McBeal, s04e10)

It was a lovely afternoon when a blogger next-door asked me specifically about the guy of my dream. Frankly, I don't know why he cared - well, later he revealed that he wanted me to stick to that dream, because one day the guy would exist for me, like what happened to him - because I don't really care about the dream-guy - I'd tell you later why. Yet, I told him nevertheless.

It brought me to this memory when I was still in high school. No, it's not a senior from my school, and it's not my teacher. But it was this guy on television. Yeah, you're allowed to laugh now. To be more specific, it was a guy from this series, Ally McBeal. Well, at some point, I kind of come to a conclusion that if you're PLU, then you must know about the series.

I was not a regular fan back then, given my dark background, but I managed to watch a very few episodes about him, on RCTI; of which were enough to profile the guy of my dream. So, meet Larry Paul, portrayed by Robert Downey Jr. He joined the cast for only one season, season 4, and you'd notice the guy recently from Iron Man, after he's back from his narcotics past. But really, I was not a fan of this Robert guy, so my attraction to Larry Paul was not because he's cute or something like that.

But if it's not the case, then what? What exactly do I see in Larry Paul?

Come in the first position is that he's smart. Very smart that he's playful. Playful in a gentle way, not in a jerk way. The look he gave from his glasses? Speechless. Yet, he's so damaged, to some extent, that he's carrying this pain in his chest. But he's not dwelling in it too much. He moved forward, and let himself to love and be loved. He learnt from his failure in love, instead of letting himself being miserable. He let himself being a fool in front of Ally, because he's not a chauvinist nor a bigot. He's not a narcissistic guy that he got room for his lover. My God, he even put a red-blinking ball onto his nose, and it's adorable. He's miserable every Christmas, but he's willing to let Ally cheer him up. He played the piano, and he composed a song for Ally, after his being honest that he kissed his ex. And above all, he didn't step back when he knew that Ally had her own insecurity. He didn't rush everything, which showed that he's got a very good self-control. He tried to understood, and hence, fight for Ally. He listened to Ally, took her seriously, and HE DIDN'T JUDGE. He respected Ally that much. And I adored him that much, and sincerely wished that this time Ally had really met the one, that Larry would stay.

But He chose his son. I didn't quite remember, but I was actually picking this series as I'm writing this post, so hopefully I'd know the details. Deep down, I know that I shouldn't be affected. I knew that back then, Robert was hardly concious from his drugs that the producer had to let him go. It's a lousy plot there, but nevertheless, I was devastated.

So there I sat, watched the love filling the atmosphere in the cathode tube of the television. I told myself that I'd get a guy like that, someday. I prayed so hard for it. But soon as I grow up - and thus, older - I learn that reality wasn't always that sweet. Based on my experience, most guys around me nowadays don't really know the word 'Responsible', let alone 'Respect'. One day they could tell you that they love you, but then the next day, you'd be the last priority. One day he could tell you that you mean so much for him, but then as the hardship strikes, he's just the same selfish person you'd meet on street that he actually thought you're bugging him when you shared what you felt. And it's even harder for us, AJ crowd, because it's only a slightly thin line between love and lust. And the closet we're hiding in? It's so comfortable that there's really no use to talk about a long future together. You must be very familiar with the term 'I'm required to get married one day', right?

Wait, am I being bitter, here? I hope not. I know that it really takes two to tango. You need to be a good guy, to deserve another good guy. Commitment is also about tolerance, if not indulgence. It's about understanding, and to some point, you'd say that love only is not enough - or to the worst extent, you'd say that it's a BS. But where do we draw the line? Just because he happens to be the guy of our dream, does that mean he's flawless? Does that mean we have to stick to him no matter how a jerk he turns to be? Do we really need to let him define us?

So, when you ask me about my dream-guy? Honestly, it's not my priority now. Because by time, I learn to compromise, to try to be wiser, to be more mature. I lament, of course - all.the.time, you might say - but who doesn't? Try to go longer without love. Try to love someone so deeply - your first love, even - to the extent that you share everything with him, only to be let go for a very vague reason. Try to meet with so many jerks, that you start to wonder: what's wrong with me?

But to the top of all, I still do believe in fairy-tale. If you ask me whether there's even a slight hope that I'd be lucky enough to meet my dream-guy, I'd still say YES. But I also understand that it's okay that the fairy-tale don't come true. Because I'd still be fine. Because I also know that not everybody could meet his dream-lover. It's perhaps once in a blue-moon.

fiction: I know

"I love you."

That's the first sentence he said that morning. It was when we both just woke up, with this oily face, tousled hair, and acid mouth. There's nothing good we both could display. More, it's still early, and hence, the drowsiness was still hanging in our eyes, the dreams was still dwelling in our head, and the consciousness was still to be found.

But that's the first thing he whispered to my ears, to my face, and to my head. Instead of a simple hi, or even a polite good morning. So I smiled back, then kissed him, but said nothing back. Not in the sense that I was silenced, shocked, amazed, or something like that, that prevented me to say anything back. More to the fact that I had nothing to say.

I got up, then reached for the blanket to cover his nude body and walked to the bathroom. I wore my clothes sleeping, mind you. Nothing was better than hot water in the morning; it was so relieving and fresh that I felt alive, again.

It wasn't until a few minutes that I heard him walked in. He hugged me from behind, kissed my back, and let the sprinkling water from shower get him wet. Get me wet. Get us, wet.

I smiled, again. I could feel his breath, his passion, and his morning erection.
"Is there anything you'd like to say?" He whispered.
"Such as?"
"I don't know. Perhaps about this morning?"
This time, I laughed. I turned around, and looked into his eyes. He was that tall, so I needed to gaze upward. I kissed him, again.

Then, after a short pause, I asked him, slowly, and quietly.. "Why?"
He was starled. "Why what?"
Hm.. that cute face he was making, I could just eat it up.. It was something like..did I do something wrong - and If I did, please forgive me?
"Why do you love me?"
This time, he was silenced. A very long pause. Then he walked out.

I finished my shower not long after.
With just a towel wrapping, I walked out to find him sitting in the edge of our bed. He's still wet, so I took off my towel to dry him.
"What's the matter?"
A long pause, again. Then he grabbed my hand, and made me sit on his lap.
"Weird.."
I hugged his neck.
"I..." he swallowed all of his doubt, "I don't know why I love you."
"And now you thought that it was something that I did to you? A spell or something dark and evil?"
For a moment, we only shared our stare. Then we both burst out laughing.
I hugged him so tight.

"I love you too."
.
.
.
.
"I know."