Un-cheating Cheater

If my love is not enough, then I am not enough, because it's all I can give - Haley James to Nathan Scoot, One Tree Hill 

A male-friend of mine text-ed me a week or so ago; asking help to check on our female-friend. I asked him what happened, and he told me that her boyfriend was getting caught cheating on her. 

I was stunned. I have practically known the couple since like forever ago, and I know that the guy wasn't a cheater-type. And the girl, is like my little sister. And they're like not doing well? Which in turn, bring me to another recent cheating a friend of mine did - this time, in an AJ relationship. They broke up, soon after the sob-fest was over. That easy: a pre-existing relationship plus the other person plus your partner knowing the fact that you're cheating, equals to a dead-end. 

In the risk of sounding like a-never-cheating-saint, whenever I encounter this kind of news, I always wonder: WHY? What happened? What was he thinking when he cheated? Or was he not thinking - because perhaps the blood were all pumped to his dick, instead of his brain, that he couldn't use his brain? That was a joke, anyway, I don't mean to be harsh, so forget about it. 

Then I remembered the only serious relationship I have ever had: he was in Jakarta, I was in B-town. I met a guy in B-town, we went out a couple of times, and there's one night when I slept over at his place. The next morning, he was horny and naked, and although I did give him only a hand job, I felt terribly sorry. There's just a line I couldn't cross at the time. But was it because I am still a young and idealist boy who didn't know anything about the world? For after that, I saw, went out, and had sex with several guys at one time - Er.. it is better I guess, to say that I have never been exclusive to any person since then. 

I don't wanna be a justice judge here, but I can't help but wonder, is it true that all guys have this cheating gene? Or is it just our society, which values MALE more than a FEMALE, which makes it okay for a guy to cheat? Or are we feeling all macho and manly and experienced by the number of sex we're doing with a certain number of different people? That somehow, GOOD SEX has been an important variable that we should consider before going to be with certain someone? Was it just a moment of lust that we can't control? Was it because we are always a narcissistic self deep inside, meaning that we think that we're a smart-ass who knows we can hide our flaw in a very good manner? That if you hide your affair well, that if you don't tell anyone, then who's to know beside you and your partner-in-crime? What you don't know doesn't hurt you, after all.   

Some would just feel very sorry. He came out, tried to be a heroic honest hero, and confessed his crime to his partner - perhaps with a slightest hope that everything would be alright, that they somehow could start over again. Because the guilt, is not an easy burden to carry around. What happens next? 

Is an END a terminal answer? We let go, because let's face it: once a cheater, always a cheater. There's no turning back. Even if you forgive your partner, there's always a chance that you're going to bring it out on the next fight you're going to have later. Plus, perhaps we're better off. Who knows? But then, what's with the love? What's with the 'I LOVE YOU' and 'I LOVE YOU TOO' that we've been saying? 

Then are we supposed to just move on? You cheat, okay, long as your heart is still mine (do you still believe this crap?). For in a guy-guy relationship, aren't the guys supposed to be more understanding that guys are not born to be faithful? Aren't we supposed to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and not just the benefit? So why bother, getting yourself hurt because of a brief affair? If he chooses to be with you in the end, then why does it matter? Is it desperate if we take back our cheating partner?

And above all, despite the 'GAY' label we're carrying around, are not capable of being HAPPY? Just happy and satisfied. Or we just really can't help it? 

So, where do you draw the line? There's really no manual here. But one thing for sure I know, it hurts. Being cheated is painful. And I know I can't forbid anybody to cheat. And if I love someone enough, I think I am willing to take the risk. 

Things That Matter

Although it happened quite a while ago, I must admit that there's this thing that still disturbs me. So I sit down, trying to figure out what it is that I'm looking for in my life.

I am 24. And at this age, some extra-ordinary guys (or girls) have already set up a solid business. Talk about those young entrepreneurs; some may have supports from their parents, but there are not a few that actually starts from the scratch. I myself have to admit, I don't have the bone for that. I don't have the guts, yet, to start anything from the scratch. Hey, the same usual brondong, remember?

So, I turn to those young execs. I have met quite a few. They're not only rich and successful that early, but they're also gorgeous. And despite their tight schedule, they seem to enjoy every seconds of their life. They're happy, they're gorgeous, but there's something different between these young execs and the young entrepreneurs, at least in my point of view: I just desperately want to be them. Silly? You bet.

But, here's my narrow thought: Ever met a guy who you're sure could land on any guys he wants? Ever met a guy who you think owns the world? Ever met a guy who has had everything that at some extent, he just doesn't know what else he should achieve? Yeah, I have. And I am not drowning myself in envy; and it's not that I don't enjoy being myself. I love myself, more than I have ever loved anyone. I just want to be like them..... in the sense that they're like my role-model.

This is not new, I bet, as some of you might have a few role-models. Say someone like Kiyosaki, Gates, or anyone else. You could read it in a blog somewhere. But it's not important. I admit that you have to set your standard as high as possible, and that when the experts have written a book about being rich in young and so on, you have to at least take a peek. In my point of view, well, why try to look someone so far away, someone you could only read the success-story in a book, when you can actually look at someone around you, who's better than you, in anything?

My uncle once told me, it's true that you'd have to set a high standard, but before going there, you'll have to look carefully yourselves: do I have the capability? So I start small. And if by starting small, taking baby steps, is considering as being negative, then I really don't have anything to say but WATCH OUT! I may drown you in negativity so deep that you can never rise again. Kidding. Really.

Everyone has a dream. Perhaps the dream could be summarized into three things: Career, Love, and eventually: happiness. Perhaps that everyone has their way to go to those things. But currently, I have a lot homework to do: my career is so-so and my love-life is screwed up. So, minus two for beginning. Yet surprisingly, I am happy right now. Minus two with a plus one.

I dont know, but suddenly, I don't feel that bad.

Loves You Lately

Inspired by Daniel Powter's song: Loves You Lately.
Best read along with the song. You can download it here.

Two bags. Two minutes of separation. Two excessive words that he didn't say.

So there he was. Sitting in the corner, head down, and thinking about something else. Somewhere else. And perhaps, someone else?
Here I was. Looking at him, feeling the pain inside my chest, and trying so hard to hide my tears.

I still couldn't believe that all the time we've spent together, all the two years we've been living together, could only be summarized into two bags and two minutes of separation. He's not much a buyer, but at least, I expect he'd take more things from this house, which could act as a remembrance when he's away. But, as I gazed around, everything seems to still be around. Everything is still the same, but somehow, they are now more redundant than I could remember. They're all so excessive, because this house is still going to be empty without him around......

Suddenly he turned his head up, and our looks met.
I could recognize his smiling lips, but as I looked deeper into his eyes, I couldn't remember when the last time was that we laughed out so loud that we burst into tears. And I couldn't all the past that we've been going through. Was he happy, at all? Did we really get the great thing? Was it really just the two of us?

Two years of bitter-sweet days. Two shattered-dreams. Two broken-hearts.

He stood up, and said that it looked like the taxi was already outside the door. He lifted up his bags, and walked. It's like he's moving out of time, and my world just stopped.

And the next thing I knew, I hugged him. So tight.
Flashing through all the mistakes I've made, all the tenderness that survived through all our fights, and the butterflies we've had in our stomach.

Then I let him go, as I hoped that he'd find whatever he'd been looking for, along with the three words I didn't bear to say. Loving you lately...

Why don't you like me without making me try?

I wanna talk to you.
(The last time we talked Mr. Smith
you reduced me to tears.
I promise you that wont happen again)

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

(getting angry doesn't solve anything)

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why dont you like me
Why dont you like me
Why dont you like yourself?

Should I bend over?
Should I look older
just to be put on your shelf?
 
Say what you want to satisfy yourself
hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want,
you want

(Humphrey we're leaving)

KACHINGA!!

|Mika - Grace Kelly, from the album Life in Cartoon Motion

Perhaps this song wasn't really new to you. But I am currently going crazy for this song, and when I am crazy about something, I have this urge to write about it, so pardon me - either for being too late to know everything, or for being obsessed. LOL.

Anyway, firstly, I thought that this song was about a boy, or an AJ, who's trying too hard to be liked, that he started to second-guess himself, feel insecure, and in the end- try to be someone he's not. But then he felt angry that he desperately tried to prove that he was actually a lot more than people had thought about him.Perhaps, up to this point, you'd start thinking that the song - and me who's so obsessed about it - was really really anak-baru-gede-banget; plus the very basic fact that I am still considered mentally as a brondong..

Brondong-song and brondong-fan.. what a perfect combination, right? Perhaps you'd start to think that I liked this song because it's like that the song perfectly matches my condition right now.. but you're wrong. Other than the catchy rhythm, the bitchy singer, the perfect falsetto,what I really like about this song was not because all those things above; but more to the process itself. In the end, the singer learnt when the exact time was to let go of his effort and to move on. It's not the same as giving up on someone or something, but to me, it's more like being pragmatic, pratical, and efficient. Because who knows, that we can be better off.

And it was the truth with Mika, the singer.
Let's take a look about the history of the song: according to Mighty Google, it was designed to be a mocking satire of musicians who try to reinvent themselves to be popular, while Mika, the singer himself, claimed that the song was inspired after a bad experience with a record company executive, in which he was told to be more like Craig David. Well, eventually, we all know that Mika gains popularity by being himself. This song itself even reached #1 as its peak position in a few countries, and he did it without imitating anybody, not Grace Kelly, Robbie Williams, George Michael, Elton, and even Freddie Mercury - yes, the Freddy referred in the song - though Mika is said to have a voice almost similar to Freddie.

True, it's sad when people don't even like you without making you try, but when he even doesnt wanna take a chance on us, why bother? He doesnt know what he misses, right, but he doesn't even bother to try to know. So the only thing left to do for us is to walk away. Save ourselves from a failed-attempt; after all, the sea is salty enough, you don't have to throw tons of salt anymore into it.

Quoting Ryan Atwood from the OC, if you're trying to hard, then it's not working. Even if you try, you'll only end up miserable, isn't it? True, you have to fight for someone you love, something you like, because it's never easy, but you also have to know when is the time to let go. Life is also about compromising, and one of the compromising we have to do constantly is the one we do with our heart and our dream.

So now, I am letting go what's not supposed to be mine.
And I am happy that my teeth are actually hurt. LOL. 

Can You Pass the TEST?

Multiple Choice: Choose the best answer according to you

1. When a guy - whom you have obviously told that he's just everything in a guy you've been looking for- said that he hoped you both can be really good friends because he needed it right now, what does that mean?
a. He's just not that into you.
b. He's that into you that he wanted to put things really slow
c. You're a nice guy, and he enjoyed being with you, but there's no sexual chemistry
d. He's that into you, but he's seeing some other guy and he just didn't know how to choose
e. He still wanted to be alone - either he's in denial, he's had a lot of problems, or anything else.
f. What am I doing here? Seriously!

2. In the situation like problem #1, what are you supposed to do?
a. Let it flow - all which is yours, will be yours in the end
b. Let it go - at least, save yourself from a failed-attempt
c. Take the chance - fight for your own guy; after all, love is to fight for
d. Do nothing - let him take the move
e. Slap him in the face - in case he's still sleep-walking
f. Posting a blog like this?


Well, there's supposed to be a third question and so on, but as I am writing this and chatting with Ko Nei, I realised that perhaps, what he really feels and thinks, is not important. What matters is how I feel about him, what I think about him, and what I am going to do next.

I know that there's this risk that I'm going to break my heart, yet what love is but risks? If you're not willing to take the risk, then it means that you don't really love the guy, do you? Even if it's going to be as useless as throwing salt to the vast sea, I'm willing to take the chance.

Because what I feel right now, is something I haven't felt for quite some time.
but meanwhile, I'd really appreciate if you could answer the two questions...