A little rain inside me, a little pain inside me. A little dose of mellowness to compromise the life, in a precise amount.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

Scar (To Those Who Have Just Had Their Heart Broken. WB.

The contest is a lions' fight. So chin up, put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds, celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You were in a lions' fight, Stevens. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar. [Richard Webber, to Isobel Stevens, Grey's Anatomy s04e12]

There's this thing called love. It blossoms on any soil, from the shiny palace to muddy swamp, from dawn to dusk, or even at time when you don't expect, much and it brings joy and beauty. You're suddenly this high-school boy again. Though the nurturing part is sometimes tiring, annoying, and making you wanna give up to some extent, you know deep inside your heart, you can't let it go. You won't. You don't want to. Because you're bonding. Because you have put your hope and faith to it.

Sometimes, you even think you're miserable. You think of him 24 hours a day - or maybe 16 hours a day, if in 8 hours of your night-sleep, you don't dream about him. You wanna meet him at every chances, and sweet nothings and words of love are just not enough to describe what you feel. You wanna kiss him. You wonder if he feels the same too. You wanna tell the world how much you love him, and here the problem comes: you can't do that, because you're not ready. Because the closet inside you is still a very comfortable place to escape from the cruel world. Partly, because you can't risk it all for a guy.. After all, you're a man too. You know exactly what men think. You know that your investment on opening up yourself is too big compared too the risk you're taking. You know that men aren't created to be faithful.

So, here's the misery again. You keep playing hide and seek. You become paranoids and anxious. But you can't let go. So you're telling yourself: This is not wrong. AJ is not a criminal. I am fine. It's love.

But is it worth it? Do you love him more than you love yourself? Or is it just better than being alone after all? Or just two men, with the same need, meet at one junction, and 'okay, lets do it'?

Then you lost the fight. He left you. Or he stopped choosing you. For someone else. For some ridiculous reasons like getting married. Marriage or parents may be a good reason. But it is lousy and cheesy. It only suggests one thing: you're not worth it for him to come out or to be claimed as his significant other. You keep second-guessing yourself. You're devastated. But you know, you'll heal. You'll find another guy. And the taste won't be the same.

This is not the first time. But each, still leaves you different kinds of scars.

Life, is not only about love, after all. Dont you think so?
Life, is too short to drown yourself in misery, thinking that you're damaged and scary and bitchy and nobody wants you.
Life, is too short for all that melancholic stuff..Once is a while is okay lar.
So now, lets celebrate. Anything. Your life. Your broken-heart. Your ex. Your future. Anything. You'll get better. Dont punish yourself more. You're not a choice for him. You're everything and the only one for someone else you have yet to meet.

And moreover, I know that you know..
....doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up. [Alex Karev, Closing Voice Over, Grey's Anatomy s05e19]

8 punches:

Zhou Yu said...

You wanna meet him at every chances, and sweet nothings and words of love are just not enough to describe what you feel. You wanna kiss him. You wonder if he feels the same too. You wanna tell the world how much you love him, and here the problem comes: you can't do that, because you're not ready.I love this part, Ed. I agree completely, because sometimes I do want to announce the feeling outloud to the world, but I cannot do that just yet.

And I am afraid to get too close and too attached to him, because the closer I get to him, the more hurt and painful it will be in case of broken heart.

Reis's said...

Aren't we all the same, ZHou? sigh sigh.. gw mau dating aja ah ama yang udah open (;P) kayaq si a'a.. haha

Lucky said...

hei hei hei, klo nunggu siapnya mah ga akan jadi...so take the chance, step forward....If you really like him, go and take the risk. Relationship is not for a coward. If you think he is worth enough, dont be afraid being hurt.

Reis's said...

@lucky.. kecuali kalo gw salah.. tapi sepertinya 'tidak takut terluka' dan 'open out' itu dua hal yang beda deh. jadi yang sedang dibicarakan di sini itu soal 'being open' alias 'keluar dari closet' alias 'bilang ke dunia kalo gw itu AJ'.. bukan takut terluka..

Lagian point keseluruhan tulisan ini soal berani menghadapi luka, koq. Soal luka itu harusnya dirayain, kalo itu bukti nyata kita pernah fight for someone yang kita sayangi.. bukannya mengurung diri dan menutup hati..

BoewatChat said...

Iya, bagus juga tuh Reis, loe speak out aja kalo cinta berat sama si Aa.. Cuma jangan lewat shoutmix gw yaa, langsung aja di postingan dia yg terakhir :)
Bilang gini deh:
"Aa, biarin atuh si M nyari pacar lagi.. Kan Aa bisa sayah temenin.."
Gw nanti siap2 bawa all the percussions di belakang loe deh, buat nyemangatin :p

Reis's said...

Eh.. kayaqnya gw perlu klarifikasi neh.. Kalimat gw ambigu banged ya?

haha.. maksud gw.. gw mau pacaran ama yang udah open aja.. kayaq (gaya pacarannya) si a'a (yang pacarnya udah open)...

Eh, lagian, Oom, maksudnya a'a-nya si Oom ama a'a-nya gw di sini, sama ga seh??

Kalo a'a-nya Oom yang dimaksud adalah si komikus-ganteng itu, wah, oom salah paham.. haha.. dan ngefans sama mencintai kan beda, Oom..

BoewatChat said...

Ohh, Aa yg loe maksut tuh si Apis.. Please dehh, kita enjinier dilatih utk menuliskan statement yg tidak menimbulkan mis-interpretation :)
How old are you?
'ahh wajar, dia masih muda' :p

Reis's said...

Kita?? Hahaha.. jangan samakan aku denganmu, Oom.. hahahaa :P

Eh, kesempurnaan itu milik sapa? Kesalahan punya sapa? hehe.. lagian, persepsi kan tak dapat diandalkan..iya toh?

Ga lah, si a'a yang dimaksud oom itu bukan tipeku.. Dia tipe yang menarik dilihat, tapi tidak untuk dijadikan pacar. :-)

*mending ama oom deh. :-p*

hahahahaha *ngacirrrrrrrrrrr*