A little rain inside me, a little pain inside me. A little dose of mellowness to compromise the life, in a precise amount.


Thursday, December 31, 2009

It's New Year, again

For some reasons, I hate holidays. I hate festivals. I hate them even more when I'm single -and desperately available. Because it would then remind me of my being single, and thus, my being desperate. I hate that there's like this 'must' in the thin air, telling people that they should celebrate - with friends, with beloved ones, and so on. Don't get me wrong, I'm a celebratory-person, but to me, it's not a mandatory. To the top of it, I always manage to see the dark side of everything. 

I am not exaggerating.
It's new year night, as I'm writing this. Two hours more to go before the merry count-down, and yet there's already firework-sound everywhere. It's okay to celebrate. I feel the joy too. People are happy, and they deserve it. Come on, life is already hard and difficult, so people need all the joy and celebration they can have. But for me.... New Year reminds me of something else: I'm getting older. I haven't achieved anything. I made resolution of which I couldn't fulfill, so I'm pretty much a big failure. I am single, and as I'm getting older, I won't be that attractive anymore. I'm aging. I'm alone, although I'm not lonely, but still: there's nothing much I can be proud of.

Wait.. is it true, or is it just me, who wants more and more and thus, can't ever be satisfied?
People want more and more. We're taught that way: you're born, and your parents told you to go to school. You finish your kindergarten years, then suddenly you're moving to elementary school. You graduate, and then you reach your junior years, your senior high, and the next is you're in this university. You graduate eventually, and you move on looking for a job, and maybe get married. Have kids. And still, you want more. It's the same circle-of-life for almost everyone. Does that make us humanly-human, to want and crave for more?

Is it just the time to count my own blessing; to see what others don't have and to be grateful for the whole past year?
Is it just the time to still try making a resolution, to help us keeping in track? 

So, nevertheless, here's my original resolution:
I want to be a more grown-up person. I want to use my sensitive-side on a better perspective. I want to learn to try to not make everything about myself. I want to be more understanding. I want to be better. Better.
I want to have a better body-shape. I want to go to gym more regularly. I want to swim more regularly. I want to try to see life in a more optimist perspective. I want to be more cheerful. I want to be more carefree.
I want to be happy. ..

But as I'm writing this, despite of a series of wanting this and that, perhaps I should try to list what I don't wanna be:
I don't wanna be fat and ugly.
I don't wanna be bitter and twisted.
I don't wanna be anymore childish.
I don't wanna be a loser.
Well, I'm still thinking about so many dont-wanna-be. Perhaps you can help? :-)

Happy new year, all.
May happiness is truly yours.

0 punches: