About Relationship

Lately, a dear friend of mine told me that he's kind of bored with his relationship. It was a long-distance one, so I couldn't blame nor judge him. I know that an LDR could be very difficult, and some people can't make it through. Anyway, I just wish the best for him. They deserve each other.

Yet, on myself, the fact begs more questions. We all know that men are not created to be faithful. Maybe some are amazingly faithful, but how do we know which is faithful? What makes this guy faithful? What do people do when they're bored and 'saturated'? What do they do to bring some cheerful variance in their relationship? And, the most important one: are we ourselves faithful enough?

For me, I once told my ex that I wouldn't mind if he cheated on me. I didn't mind the affair, and I still don't now. Sound desperate, doesn't it? But I have my own reason. I believe that when one decides to engage in a relationship, he doesn't lose all of himself to the word 'US'. He is still him, and when he wants to stay true, it means he does it for himself. He says to himself, "I don't cheat, because I don't want to."

One doesn't do things because of his significant other. One just doesn't say that 'I do it for you and bla bla'. To me, if one told me that he does things for me, it sounds like he's doing trade. Because once someone does thing for his beloved one, it's much likely that he expects something in return. So, it's like he's buying this currency to stay in a relationship.

Then I remember a scene from the series Queer As Folk. This musician, Ethan, romanced Justin, then cheated on him. Ethan told him that it wasn't fair that Justin still stayed with Brian even he knew that Brian slept with many other guys. Justin told him that it wasn't the same, because Brian never told him that he loved him. Ethan did. I guess I am this Justin.

To add that point, I also don't believe that our significant other completes us. It doesn't make sense, for me, despite how romantic it sounds. I do believe that, it takes two to tango, and to do the tango well, both have to master the technique well. So, when you're in a relationship, it means that you are a complete person, he is a complete person, and you both share the joy in doing the tango. Imagine if you tango with a partner who doesn't know how to: the tango would be awkward and awful and meaningless.

And finally, when one said, "I am bored.", does he even think about how his partner would feel? Maybe his partner feel the same, and he just need to talk about it honestly. It's what relationship is, isn't it? You talk and share. You don't freak out, you don't judge, because you know you love him.

Look At Him

He's 52. Is it just me, or he is real hot? Or is it because of his role as a medical doctor, a profession that drives my passion and makes me kind of porny?

I just don't know. I don't mean that old people, 50-something-people couldn't be hot. It's just not fair, to some extent, for I am younger and I am not any way hotter (*ya iyalah..*).

Gosh.

I could just eat him alive.



So, meet Peter Wilder, MD, an alternative medicine specialist at the series Private Practice, played by Timothy Daly, the guy from The Sopranos. Gosh..

ONS #3

'Hope you don't mind, but my house is not quite charming,' he told me as we entered his 2-array home.

It was not that bad, indeed, the moment I stepped in his room. He turned on the television and sat on his double-bed. I sat myself, taking quite a distance from him, thinking that he might not want me.

Like my previous post, he was the one who came to me, and at first, I thought he wanted to kiss me, so I was ready in the position. Yet then he only hugged me: GOSH, HE JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW I WOULD REACT. And I made the wrong move, which was exactly what he had hoped for.

He whispered to my ear, 'I'm going downstairs, to take some water, so please wait here..'

The next thing I know, I was in his arm, and he kissed me. Mouth to mouth. Guess he's not the neck-kisser (*LOL*). And it was special, I thought. He didn't rush. He took his time. It's like he's been waiting for so long for that night.

Like the second post, it was not only once. i visited him quite a few time after. We went to a swimming pool once, and it was the safest swim I have ever had.
Lately, he told me he wanted to develop a more serious relationship with me. He told me he still kept all the SMS I sent him.

You know what was the outcome. On any other circumstances, I still believe that you would find somebody special through an ONS. That you have fight for the guy you want to be with, because he's worth it. On the top of that, although it's true that ONS is like networking (quoting boewatchat), I choose not to do this kind of networking. I choose the traditional way; if you think you want me, lets go on (a) simple dates(s), and lets work the way to a healthy relationship. It's not that difficult to do, right?

That’s what happens in relationships. If you want to keep it going, you forgive things that bother the crap out of you. If you DON’T want to keep it going, you dump the person. Or divorce them. You should not, under any circumstances, poison them with arsenic. That is bad. (Grey' Matter)

Chronicles of ONS

do you know what I have in my mind..now?

The clock near the desktop is showing 11:27 PM as I write this. (*so?*)

Some of you, who care enough, maybe have already thought me as a big hypo, for I wrote things about celibacy and - at the same time - stories about my ONS. Some of you may even think that I am showing off my narrow world - as you can probably tell, I give a lame sex - which is soooo nothing to be proud of. I am writing this just to show that I am not always the person who is against the ONS. I don't blame nor judge ONS-people, I just feel - FOR MYSELF - that it's far better if I leave that lifestyle behind. Sex, as I have told you guys before, is still sex, even if it's done without love. I have never considered sex as something sacred, nor dirty. I am not even in denial. I think.. I just need my own little space and time to be alone, to enjoy my being single currently. Moreover, I think it's time to focus on finding a decent guy, not some random sex..

AND, I am telling you guys (especially he and he and he), those ONS I wrote about happened quite some time ago. The last ONS I had was dated 16th January 2009, and I have posted the story as ONS #1. As for ONS #2, the sex happened before the ONS #1 - yes, I am writing it in reversed order. Why is that so? Because, the very first real sex I had was the very special one, so I wanted to keep juiciest story the last - hey, you guys keep the best for the last, don't you? *giggle*.

ONS #2

The night I saw him, I knew he was not my type. But the devil inside me knew exactly that I was his type. He adored me. It drove my curiousity; I just wanted to know how he would do me the sex.

So, I decided to take his invitation, spending the night in his dorm.

Nothing happened for the first minutes. Then he hugged me from behind, kissed my neck.
I felt the familiar tone, the familiar atmosphere. And that night, I finally knew how men could divide sex from love very well. I didn't know about him, but for me, it's nothing more than sex.

There was no intercourse session, and I was not hoping for it either, yet he gave a blowing-your-mind-kind-of-blow-job. He had a very nice tongue, and I could feel it all over me. Above all, I didn't just do it once, so I guess this cannot be labelled as ONS technically.

the Chinese New Year

Yeap, time really does pass by. Now, we're leaving the year of rat to welcome the year of ox. And this is the fifth year I am welcoming the chinese new year without gathering with my family. The B-town is kind of empty, for all my friends are coming home. Although so, nothing really differs from last year. We welcome the new year of ox, mark the first spring in China, hear the new year song - which suddenly becomes popular in every malls, and now, as I am writing this, the festive day is almost over.

I met a few friends, though, those who don't celebrate the chinese new year. They greeted me 'gong xi', then started the red-thing called Ang Pao (this is Hokkianese, the mandarin for it is Hong Bao). I also received a bunch of short messages to my cell-phone, to my YM. and the lovely Lucky at my shout-box. Just can't thank you enough.

Yet then, the-begging-for-ang-pao-thing is quite annoying, as I am-not-married-so-not-legally-nor0technically-able-to-give-Ang-Pao-yet-people-are-still-asking-for-it. A friend even said that I had to give because he didn't get any, so I had to share. This makes me think, nonetheless, are people just not created to rejoice on other's happiness? Or is it me who's just too greedy on my belonging? I believe the second is not the case, since I don't get any Ang Pao, for I AM ALREADY-TOO-OLD-TO-RECEIVE-ONE. Why suddenly the Ang Pao has become the most important thing?

I don't really think that Chinese New Year is merely about the celebration nor the chinese songs nor the Ang pao itself. The Chinese New Year - at least to me - is all about the culture, and the tradition, and the first spring. The first spring means the last of winter, and all people are just hoping for a better year to come. So they made a lot of tradition - what has to be done and what has to be avoided, to welcome the luck, prosperity, and health, and that the new year would be smooth and without obstruction.

I mean, do you guys know that the Chinese are not allowed to sweep the floor at the first day of the chinese new year? That the Chinese are not allowed to wash their clothes, cut the hair, and throw rubbish out of the house at the day? Do you guys know why the Chinese wear red and give Ang Pao? Or why do they eat the sweet 'nian gao'? There is a long history and folk tales and legend behind it.

I know, it seems very old-fashioned that I still believe in those tradition, the myth, and the tabooes. But, in my perspective, these are the things that keep the chinese new year on her very first frame. I am not saying it's exclusive for the Chinese; the culture is opened for everyone who would like to know more. It's not merely about the celebration. It lies more in the spirit of wishing that others would have a very nice year ahead. So, with that kind of spirit, I wish you all a Happy Chinese New Year!

ONS #1

He was cute. Very cute, indeed. Naughty and hot. Steamy, but not dreamy, because he's real and stood right in front of me. He smiled, gently, not in any way pervert. He had a nice and smooth body.

So, the next thing I knew was, I was sitting on his bed, watching the television - the HBO, but couldnt remember what the movie was. He was lying on his bed, next to me, and we chatted a bit. I am not the type who would make the first move, so I waited, like a prince(ss). Everything was kind of porny, and steamy, and naughty, and hot, and... He suddenly grabbed me into his arm, he hugged me and kissed my neck. He then started to undress my shirt, and locked the door.

Well, I was not a saint that night.

Everything..

My heart just melts....

王力宏 - Everything
Wang Lee Hom - Everything

曲：王力宏 词：王力宏 小寒

故事里的 起承转合 有一些忘记
做了多少错误的选择
原来波折 才暗示着 该走的方向
指引你我来到这一刻
the beginning and ending, the twist and turns inside the story, I've forgotten some of these
how many wrong choices have i made
turns out the difficulties were actually hinting to the right direction to take
directing us to reach this point

就算别人都说 我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃
even if the others say, we don't have much future
it's impossible to give up that easily

Cause You're My Everything
就一个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天 永远从此刻开始算起
你的爱是我的 Everything
Cause You're My Everything
just this one reason, it lets me face this world bravely
want to give you Everything
no matter how many tomorrows it takes, eternity starts from this moment
your love is my Everything

遥远天际 巧合相遇 有多少几率
多少烟火 坠落无痕迹
因为幸福 没有捷径 难免要绕道
不被看好越是要走到
in this wide world, to meet coincidentally, what are the chances
how many fireworks have fallen without leaving a trace
because happiness doesn't have shortcuts, it's hard to avoid a detour
the more we're doubted the more we have to keep going

就算别人都说 我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃
even if the others say, we don't have much future
it's impossible to give up that easily

你就是 Everything
就这个原因 让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你 Everything
只要你说一声愿意 所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的 Everything
you are Everything
just this reason, it lets me face this world bravely
want to give you Everything
as long as you say you will, all the futures will become meaningful
your love is my Everything

The Name of The Game

I’m practicing celibacy. And drinking does not go well with celibacy because it makes everything and everyone seem kinda porny. And then my head gets all cloudy and then the next thing you know I’m naked and my point is I’m celibate. And knitting is good for surgical dexterity. So I’m making a sweater - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, S02E22, The Name of The Game

I don't do knitting, of course, so don't get all started. I think I have just enough a professor of Bahasa Indonesia, who keeps on criticizing about my diction. Criticism I don't really buy, by the way, for it's just boring and not-really-constructive.

I realised I have been dark and cloudy - and to some extent, maybe scary and damaged - lately, and I have reached the point where I realised that I am not the relationship-type. I do believe in relationship, though, just like fellow bloggers have said before in their comments, that I just havent found the right guy - yet. Besides, I don't really think I am ready for any relationship, partly because I am a bitching bitch whenever the guy wants to step further, and partly because I am just a little not too over JT. On the other hand , if I am not ready, then why the hurry? This question just begs another question: why we all crave for a relationship - that is, wanting to have a boyfriend immediately ASAP? Is it because we are too afraid to be lonely? Or a relationship is just a license to have sex? Or is it because if we're not in relationship, that simply means the guy we are with currently is just not really into us? Which?

The point is - and unfortunately, also my problem - that I couldn't stand the temptation, the lust, the hormone, or anything related that we label as a package of 'biological need'. Most of the time, I surrendered to this reason, that it was normal for me to have sex once in a while. Thus, there I was, falling into the dark pit called One-Night-Stand and getting trapped there. Well, I don't judge here, so please don't be offended.

Doing ONS is good, is damned good and sexy. No string attached, no burden, no worries, no unnecessary jealousy, and it's mutual and honest, at least at the moment the hush-hush stuff is taking place. It could be hot, especially if the dude is this gorgeous guy. It's temporary, and after the lust reaches the culmination point, everything just returns back to their places. Then you just move on and get rid of the guy, maybe for good.

Despite the perks, there's this feeling haunting me: WHY do I do this, again? WHY do I risk it all in a glance just to realise that after the milky-and-sticky liquid is poured out, there's no meaning inside it? WHY do I let myself doing those things? We don't die in dignity - because our body gets rotten at the time, we arent beautiful anymore, there's no dignity left - BUT we can choose to live in dignity. Sex without love is still sex, but love is also still love even if there's no sex. And sex with some random strangers is not really good for your health. Moreover, one-night-only really doesnt worth anything.

So, bye-bye, ONS. And since I am not ready for any relationship, I guess that leaves me with only one choice. :)

I Lied. And You're the Only One Who Doesnt Know

Remember JT? I gave him two posts (the other one is here).

Since I havent' said anything about his appearance, (have I?), let me describe him. Well, he is 182 cm-tall, well-built because he does gym quite regularly, taking a French class, 24 y/o, working in a foreign banking company, and getting paid with Singaporean Dollar, which reaches 5000 SGD a month, driving his own car, living in his own apartment, a good chef, not the-DUGEM-guy, very monogamous, very smart and has a master degree, and above all, he is very romantic. He used to tell me once, that he just wants to take a care someone, showers him with love, watches him sleeping, gets to touch his forehead, and on and on. Gosh.

He always wants to be this mature man; one who can stand on his own, who can do everything right, and who can get whatever he wants. So, he refuses being childish in anything, including in love. Boy, I just wish he knows that in the name of love, you can't be the mature person here.. (which is also the same comment I left at Yuda's blog).

I agreed being his little brother a few months back, for he told me that he couldn't be with me despite my honest-confession. I am not his type, and I thought I have learnt this fact well. We've been chatting at YM lately, and he shared all his problems, his doubt, his pain, and his boyfriend - a very sweet one yet keeps him anxious. I was satisfied at the time. There was no burden between us, no lust involved, and no jealousy. I enjoyed the relationship more than I thought I would. Thus, I thought I have let him go.

But, it all starts coming back to me, when I face problems and he's not there..

Aren't memories supposed to fade?
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it, off let it go
Didn't think it would be this hard

Gosh, I am tired being mellow all the time. If he's not meant for me, why we have to meet this way? And why David Archuleta has to sing this song?

When I said that I could be your little-bro, dude, I lied. I lied.. And you seem to be the only one who doesnt know....

But I fight..

I loved. I fought. And I lost.

I think the problem is not about how many times I have lost. It's about how i deal with those times..
The first time, I cried. I cried like a lost little boy. I couldn't control the tears, the feeling, and the pain. It felt like I was running out of oxygen. It felt like I was in a dark alley, without anybody, without knowing which direction to go. I was 20 then.

But age and numbers, are not the reason, I guess. I am 23, to 24, this year. And nothing significant has changed. I don't cry anymore, though. But it is not mainly because I grow stronger. I choose to repress the feeling inside. I choose not to believe in love again, so that when the farewell and breaking-up comes, I won't have to feel the same pain. I choose to run away..

Then, I realised that the earth won't stop just to let us mourn. Days pass by, minutes of the present become the past, and time will not compromise. We are all alone, we are born alone, and we experience the pain alone. There is no stuntman in the real life. We cant undo anything we regret. Yet, the good point here is, we are supposed to learn from the mistake. We are supposed to grow wiser, for we are all learner, from the day of our birth till our grave.

So why run away? Because I believe, mourning or crying doesnt make us pathetic. It just makes us human, with flesh and blood, with tears and smiles. It just allows us to put the gloomy past behind, and to move on.

I love. I lost. But I fight..

Ironic

Ironic, isn't it?
A guy like me, who doesn't even believe in relationship nor real love, yet could write mellow things about relationship.
Or should I say, miraculous, as it is how the self-defense mechanism works? Or pathetic, for a guy like me, who always claims himself as a mature person,yet fails to understand the real world? And instead doing the deep-self-analyzing, I blame other for the pain I experience. Or hypocrite, as I am still crazy for those hot guys my eyes provide me, and on the other hand, I told people that I dont judge from appearance?

People said, love comes with pain, not only the happiness. If I am being this little boy who isnt even ready for the pain, how could there be love ever after? If I myself dont wanna breathe for myself, why there should be another person out there who would do it for me?

Above all, I am just miserable, dark and cloudy.

Help..

I always thought that I loved myself. Despite the fact I am one of plu, I always thought that I was happy with myself, that nothing is perfect, that there's no real satisfaction. So I just had to learn to count my blessing, be myself, and everything will be just fine.

But it was then.

Lately, I discovered that maybe I am not the relationship type. I freak out whenever the guy want to be more, want to explore more, and want to know me more. I start the annoying skeptical attitude, and most of the time, I ruin everything. I am being paranoid, insecure, and a bitch who thought that every other guy is created be unfaithful. That love doesn't exist, at least for me, partly because I dont know how to love, and partly because in the world of PLU, everything is only about beauty. I am not beautiful, but I don't mind it.

Moreover, I am not into any intercourse session. I am not the t, b, nor v. I am neither. Almost like sexless, isnt it? *sigh*
How many guys out there who doesn't mind who's what?
How many guys out there who would be just satisfied without the whole intercourse thing?
Call me stupid, ridiculous, idiotic, or pathetic, if you think that I miss a very big thing if I just don't do it.

And moreover, with the less sex-variation available, I feel guilty whenever the hot-lust-and-passion has just transformed into the sticky milky liquid. I hate myself instead of moaning the enjoyment and the hormone. I hate myself..

Gosh, why is it so hard for me being an aj-guy? Why is it so difficult? Am I doomed to be alone forever? Somebody help..