A little rain inside me, a little pain inside me. A little dose of mellowness to compromise the life, in a precise amount.


Thursday, January 15, 2009


I always thought that I loved myself. Despite the fact I am one of plu, I always thought that I was happy with myself, that nothing is perfect, that there's no real satisfaction. So I just had to learn to count my blessing, be myself, and everything will be just fine.

But it was then.

Lately, I discovered that maybe I am not the relationship type. I freak out whenever the guy want to be more, want to explore more, and want to know me more. I start the annoying skeptical attitude, and most of the time, I ruin everything. I am being paranoid, insecure, and a bitch who thought that every other guy is created be unfaithful. That love doesn't exist, at least for me, partly because I dont know how to love, and partly because in the world of PLU, everything is only about beauty. I am not beautiful, but I don't mind it.

Moreover, I am not into any intercourse session. I am not the t, b, nor v. I am neither. Almost like sexless, isnt it? *sigh*
How many guys out there who doesn't mind who's what?
How many guys out there who would be just satisfied without the whole intercourse thing?
Call me stupid, ridiculous, idiotic, or pathetic, if you think that I miss a very big thing if I just don't do it.

And moreover, with the less sex-variation available, I feel guilty whenever the hot-lust-and-passion has just transformed into the sticky milky liquid. I hate myself instead of moaning the enjoyment and the hormone. I hate myself..

Gosh, why is it so hard for me being an aj-guy? Why is it so difficult? Am I doomed to be alone forever? Somebody help..

6 punches:

Dr Pr said...

haha, that's quite ummm,complicated..

well, you must be a damn hot yummy boy, rite?

since, i think only those who are really perfect can say something like that



you just, maybe, havent found the right click from all of those men.

sabar boy, everything is just fine, when you dont wanna do or feel anything

Anonymous said...

Well sometimes its just all about sex, yet people do have their own preferences. I don't really think that its weird if you prefer not to have that t/b/v 'confusion' hahaha... Maybe you're just into the cuddling and stuff, and that is not weird! My ex have the same preferences as you have hihi (but i swear that not the reason why we broke up! hihi)

Are you in denial? (just asking..)

Reis's said...

Hi, Noel. are u the famous noel from the other blog? hehe..

Hi too, Doct. Well, i am hot yummy boy. Quoting Meredith, I am dark and cloudy.

And maybe I am in denial. And maybe I just dont know how to be a gay guy. I dont know. Why to love somebody has to bring so much risk at the same time? Am I too selfish? Too calculative?

And the right click? Well, I have already given up Mcdreamy, let him just exist peacefully in my dream. *sigh*

BoewatChat said...

Love Jay Chou? I have some like this, Snake Dance :)

if you're a fan, 99.9% chance you already have this album, filled with other up-beat songs: Uncle Joker, Orchid Pavillion, Wandering Poet, etc.. (my fav. is Orchid Pavillion).. All that should cheer your days, but why it's soo gloomy? your theme hasn't moved since 2007? :)

absenteeism is a very wise decision, in fact.. don't worry and don't deny yourself either.. OK!!

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Reis's said...

@ BoewatChat

Hi there. Yah, I am a fan of Jay. And I've got his new album last year, around November. And unfortunately, songs I love the most are the sad songs (Give me A time of One Song, where's the promised happiness). It doesn't help my gloomy days, but thanx for the concern. It already cheered me up. :)