A little rain inside me, a little pain inside me. A little dose of mellowness to compromise the life, in a precise amount.


Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Guy from The Past (2)

He is in Jakarta. He didn’t tell me at the first place, but it doesn’t matter. Because I just knew. I just knew. And I found his profile over the famous Fridae. I was silenced. I was shocked. What was this supposed to mean?

On his friendster reply on me, he just laughed, because I found him. No explanation. No anything. Again, it doesn’t matter.
But what matter is, the way I feel. I was angry at first time. Then I was confused. Then I was sad. Then I was happy, not because he finally accepted who he is, but because he’s now in Indonesia. And the very first night I had a chat with him over internet messaging, since he was in Jakarta, we chatted a lot. I told him everything, once again. I told him that I couldn’t hate him. I couldn’t really blame him on everything. He said sorry, but I didn’t really need that. Partly because I knew, he was just being nice, and partly because he didn’t have anything to apologize for.

I always thought, I have got over him. That the past would always be the past, with all the sweet or bitter memories. Because I wanted to keep all the good things in my head. Because I knew that he’s just not that into me. Yet, my heart refuses. My mind refuses. I keep thinking about him. I keep thinking about what he is doing at this very moment. I keep thinking about his special someone, how would the guy, or the girl, look like. I haven’t got over him.

I know, I am pathetic. I am miserable. This is why I am sad. Why keep hoping for someone like him? Why? I couldn’t even have any logical ‘because’. Love comes without logics, doesn’t it? On the other hand, can what I feel now be called love? Because, to be honest, I cant even imagine myself with him on the same bed. I just cant even think he hugs me, or kiss me. Is it love? This is why I am confused.
Anyway, we exchanged our phone numbers. Since then, we do the text message pretty often. This is why I am happy, because finally, all of the silence was melted down, and we actually have conversations again.

Yet then, I learnt a new thing; I have to choose my words, my sentences carefully, very carefully. Because I don’t want to make already bad condition become even worse. I am not being myself. And I don’t like this.
I learnt many other things, as well. One among them is that, he has never come to me with any other expectation besides friendship. Nothing more. And I feel the pain. It is painful. It is painful more, because I am pathetic, and I am miserable.

So, is he saying that all the things I thought I knew and I believed in were merely jokes? Is he joking on me? I don’t want the answer from him, because it was six years ago. Because he wouldn’t remember anything about our conversation. Because he’s just not that into me. What was I thinking? Why in some places in my heart, I wanted him? Why I wanted this relationship? Why I am so pathetic? Why I am so miserable?

In the end, I know, some relationship aren’t meant to happen. This relationship, is one of those. I have to let go. I have to take his friendship hand. That is all I have now. So, I guess, this is a real getting over.

1 punches:

nate said...

geez.... i did cry when i read this...