The Name of The Game

I’m practicing celibacy. And drinking does not go well with celibacy because it makes everything and everyone seem kinda porny. And then my head gets all cloudy and then the next thing you know I’m naked and my point is I’m celibate. And knitting is good for surgical dexterity. So I’m making a sweater - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, S02E22, The Name of The Game

I don't do knitting, of course, so don't get all started. I think I have just enough a professor of Bahasa Indonesia, who keeps on criticizing about my diction. Criticism I don't really buy, by the way, for it's just boring and not-really-constructive.

I realised I have been dark and cloudy - and to some extent, maybe scary and damaged - lately, and I have reached the point where I realised that I am not the relationship-type. I do believe in relationship, though, just like fellow bloggers have said before in their comments, that I just havent found the right guy - yet. Besides, I don't really think I am ready for any relationship, partly because I am a bitching bitch whenever the guy wants to step further, and partly because I am just a little not too over JT. On the other hand , if I am not ready, then why the hurry? This question just begs another question: why we all crave for a relationship - that is, wanting to have a boyfriend immediately ASAP? Is it because we are too afraid to be lonely? Or a relationship is just a license to have sex? Or is it because if we're not in relationship, that simply means the guy we are with currently is just not really into us? Which?

The point is - and unfortunately, also my problem - that I couldn't stand the temptation, the lust, the hormone, or anything related that we label as a package of 'biological need'. Most of the time, I surrendered to this reason, that it was normal for me to have sex once in a while. Thus, there I was, falling into the dark pit called One-Night-Stand and getting trapped there. Well, I don't judge here, so please don't be offended.

Doing ONS is good, is damned good and sexy. No string attached, no burden, no worries, no unnecessary jealousy, and it's mutual and honest, at least at the moment the hush-hush stuff is taking place. It could be hot, especially if the dude is this gorgeous guy. It's temporary, and after the lust reaches the culmination point, everything just returns back to their places. Then you just move on and get rid of the guy, maybe for good.

Despite the perks, there's this feeling haunting me: WHY do I do this, again? WHY do I risk it all in a glance just to realise that after the milky-and-sticky liquid is poured out, there's no meaning inside it? WHY do I let myself doing those things? We don't die in dignity - because our body gets rotten at the time, we arent beautiful anymore, there's no dignity left - BUT we can choose to live in dignity. Sex without love is still sex, but love is also still love even if there's no sex. And sex with some random strangers is not really good for your health. Moreover, one-night-only really doesnt worth anything.

So, bye-bye, ONS. And since I am not ready for any relationship, I guess that leaves me with only one choice. :)