Why Mellow?

Everybody has their own way to deal with sadness. His disappointment. Or his failure. Some might cry, some might run away. A few might turn to alcohol, wishing that the ethanol inside would take his mind away for a little while. A few might turn to their best friends. Others might turn to their lovers, seeking for a shoulder to mourn. Anything to make us feel human again.

Me? Well, my kind of therapy is drowning myself to melancholic atmosphere. Drown myself to a mellow situation. I might turn on the same one sad song a few times. I might go to youtube, browsing for Il Divo, singing Without You in Spanish on a stage, because at the clip, Sebastien cried. I might write some down some poems, real sad ones. Or, I might pour my sadness into a short story, where the ending is not specified clearly - just to let the readers guess. Or, at a few rare occasions, I would chat with a friend, telling them anything, and then after the moment-of-truth, I just let it all go.

Problem with the latter is, that my friends usually couldn't swallow the mellow things from me. Because, maybe at some point, it's infectious. I don't really know, but most of them would then tell me to cheer up. For at most of the time, I deserve my own happiness. I deserve to be happy.

Life is already hard. I know that. I also know that they're all concerned enough for me. I also know that I don't have to make it harder for myself. I need to be this happy-go-lucky person, and cherish the present I have at NOW. But, being a mellow tone just give me a strength. I think I am a mellow-kind-of-person. Wierd, right? I've told you, I am scary and damaged, dark and twisted. Which is also why I choose to abstain from any kind of relationship temporary. Which is also why I lose my smile, at least for now.

Believe me, I do want to get out from this mellow pool. I want to feel my heart beats so faster, my face blushes, and get the cold-feet and feel lively -again. I miss missing somebody. but I guess, you can't get yourself out from a therapy in a hurry, right? You need time to cure and to heal the pain. You need time to accumulate your strength again. You need time to figure it all out, and to learn to be a better man.

So that the next time you fall..,
It won't be that hard, anymore.