Therapy Session #1

There's this guy I met when we're both participating on a spiritual public teaching at B-town. He's this French guy I didn't even notice at first, for my mind was so occupied. He's not that young, with glasses, and to be honest, he's kind of my type - physically - but since I don't give any more significant damn on physical things, I chose to ignore his presence, at first. Also, I thougt he's from abroad, so I didn't want to add more misery in my life, AND there was another guy who's consuming my mind.. a REAL HOT and STRAIGHT AS HELL GUY.

But then, a day or two after, a dear friend introduced me to him; since they're doing a project together. I was still not sure that time, BUT he gave me THAT kind of look - not look, but stare. He's bluntly staring at me with the expression that made me blush. I turned my head away from him, tried to make a space between us, for my heart told me that there's no way he could be AJ too; even if he's, he might already have a partner - a faithful partner waiting for him. YET, a part of me still waited for him to make a move.

Until the public event was ended, he didn't ask anything from me to keep in touch despite our conversation occured almost daily. So, I asked him his facebook, and he gladly and enthusiastically gave me his.

The following morning, I checked his facebook, and I knew I was right. He have had a boyfriend already. And they look EXTREMELY happy. Why bother, I thought to myself. Yet, two months later, or a week ago, I saw him online, and I approached him at facebook.

I told him about my situation - how I was dark and twisted, and how I felt like a new born-baby most of the time; i.e. inexperienced, and about relationship.
He said that it was not easy too when he's my age. He wondered the same question: Why did I have a preference for a boy? What should I do? Would I ever find my happiness?

It was not easy, yet not that difficult, I guess. It took steps; steps that you take one by one, continuously to eventually come to a day like what you've wanted for. One needs acceptance of himself so he could finally feel 100%. That the problem lies within us, not with the outsiders. Being AJ is not a choice, after all, it is accepting who you really are. You could hide, but you couldn't escape it...

The most important thing is that, he told me he's happy. Happy in general, and happy about his relationship. The whole NINE years, guys, NINE! Not one, or two, or three, or even five, BUT NINE! Call me silly or whatever, BUT I am the person who needs some real-life moments to know that I am not living in a fairy tale. That I am not decieving myself. That I too could be happy.. :-)

As what he have told me, it's okay, though, being a baby-born for now. Because a new baby is eager to learn, experiment, and explore himself, and the world around him, without the fear that he would hurt himself, because the curiosity within triumphs all. Moreover, Because I know,
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I want to be a better man.