A little rain inside me, a little pain inside me. A little dose of mellowness to compromise the life, in a precise amount.

-Self-Quote-

Sunday, May 24, 2009

If I lay here..




He smiled at me when he saw me.
That day, was the second time we met; the first was about a month ago. I threw my gaze at somewhere else. I cant afford to see his smile. For then I would guess, what he's smiling for. And usually, that thought would end to something bad and scary.

I invited him to come to my room soon after. He sat on a chair at the corner, and I jumped in to my bed. I was getting ready to sleep when he called and said that he wanna come.

'You're getting cuter,' he said. Looking at me.
I smiled plainly. Does that matter? I thought to myself.
He asked permission to smoke. The first time he smoked, I told him I wanted him to quit. It's not healthy. He said he would try to reduce the frequency. I guess that's why he asked my permission. But I was too tired to say anything. I have chosen to observe only. He's a bit too late. I didnt want to care anymore. So I didnt say anything. He smoked.

He brushed his teeth after like 3-4 cigarettes. I didnt count. He threw himself to bed.
And hugged me from behind. I was silenced. I was like frozen.

He asked me what my answer to his question was. Not about the smoking, of course, but to something else.
I was still silenced.

There was no time when I didnt doubt him. Doubt myself. Doubt about any relationship.
I was pathetic. I knew he loved me. I knew he cared. But everytime I thought that, I also knew that he didnt love me enough. He didnt care me enough. Enough to let go all his world. All his history. All his future. Because there's always be some other things he still wanted to accomplish. To achieve. And for some of that, He would have to leave me behind. His love, his care, his feeling, was not enough to make him stay for me. Or to take me away to forever and to somewhere place where we could be together without worrying what people would say..

So, I didnt know if I loved him.
No. It's more like, I didnt know if I could love him back.

He kissed me. And the tobacco tasted bitter now.
He hugged me so tight. I knew he had his dilemma too.
And I didnt wanna be his burden.

So I didnt say anything.
I couldnt say anything.
I couldnt give him my answer.

That night, I whisper my wish. Heaven.. please grant me the stopping of the second hand of time....

Yet like a song with ending. A movie with ending. He had to go.
He said sorry. I shaked my head. There's no sorry for whatever we had.

I didnt send him away. I just lay down at my bed. Alone.
It was indeed a dark night.
I lay down.
Trying to forget the rest of the world.
.
.
.
*


if i lay here,
if i just lay here..
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol...

12 punches:

Lucky mengomentari tulisan Reis meski tak tahu itu kejadian nyata atau karangan belaka said...

"Jika kau mencintai seseorang dengan harapan kau bisa memilikinya sepenuhnya itu berarti kau hanya mencintai dirimu sendiri"

Mungkin ini terdengar naif dan bodoh tp ungkapan love sets you free itu benar adanya

Reis's said...

Said somebody who gets jealous sama keponakan pacarnya sendiri.
Said somebody who wants to get married to a girl for whatever reasons he has.

Itu semi fiksi semi nyata koq. Hehee..

Dan sebelah mana yang dari tulisan ini yang berharap memiliki sepenuhnya??

reallylife said...

we cannot belong someone with all the things he has. Just love like the way he is, and you will be enjoy all the things already give by him

Reis's said...

@really info
nice blog there you have.. :)

well, life itself is a paradox, isnt it? Dulu, gw ga pernah mengerti sikap mantan gw terhadap gw waktu dia mutusin gw. Dan sekarang gw ngerti. Gw bilang gw ga bisa milih, antara dia dan keluarga gw. Dia juga sama. Tapi, jauh dalam hati, kami sama-sama saling paham, bahwa sebenarnya kami udah milih. Kami masing-masing milih keluarga kami. Perasaan itu bener2 tergambarkan dengan lagunya Andy Lau and Kelly Chen, yang judulnya Wo Bu Gou Ai Ni (I dont Love you enough), in the sense bahwa gw ga terlalu mencintai dia untuk melepaskan segala yang gw tau, membuang semua 'aku' untuk bersama dia. Dan dia juga begitu..

Sebenarnya, dalam tulisan ini, gw ga pernah berharap si dia yang gw sebut2 itu, benar2 menawarkan akan membawaku pergi jauh, melupakan keluarganya, dll, atau coming out, mengakui ke keluarga dia kalo dia pacaran ama gw. Ga. Karena gw tau, gw ga akan pernah siap menawarkan hal yang sama.

Kalau sudah begitu, ketika yang namanya perasaan itu terkekang oleh hal2 yang demikian, masih pantas ga seh, kita bilang cinta di mulut?? Masih pantas ga, kita mengharapkan dia mencintai kita?

Dan di atas itu semua, gw mempertanyakan kembali makna relationship.. Memang, gw ga butuh pengakuan orang. Atau restu orang tuanya. Tapi, apakah itu namanya cinta, kalau segala sesuatunya datang bersyarat? 'Gw cinta ama loe di atas ranjang kita. Di luar itu, behave ya.' --> yang kayaq begini itu cinta?

Ada yang missing di sini. Gw ga tau apa.

sintingmaut said...

Hurreeeey.... u are the winner of this contest, queen of drama queen....

manteb reis, dalem banget ni cerita, ada beberapa bagian dimana gw pernah merasakannya juga... kondisi dilema disaat kita mengahadapi orang yang bimbang...

makanya jangan pacaran ama Straight... hahaha, sok tau yah gw :P


O iya, ada hadiah buat loe di blog gw, dipostingan yang ini, ngga usah sok mahal deh.... pokonya harus loe pasang okey, bikin cerita se-kreatif mungkin... hehehe...

Reis's said...

@sinmau. Ga usah jual mahal? Harus pasang cerita? totally lost you. haha.. maap2. Drama queen?????? Tampar!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucky nyerocos sampe mulutnya berbusa said...

Eh jadi itu pertanyaannya? Loe disuruh milih keluarga ato milih dia?? Bener ga?? Klo bener, kayaknya gw mulai bisa nangkap inti cerita loe.

Emang berat sih, tp misalnya klo ga harus memilih bisa ga sih?
Tetap pacaran tp backstreet. Yah mo gmn lagi, we live in imperfect world.

Klo harus memilih, pastikan loe harus yakin (wkt itu loe ga yakin kan?) Pasti susah sih, tapi gw punya teman yang berani utk memilih bfnya.

Sorry ya, awalnya gw salah tangkap (kyk nya si reallylife juga) gara2 postingan loe ga lengkap.

reallylife said...

@Reis`s : Thanks ya, emang dah mampir ke blog saya ya?
@lucky : emang storinya belum selesai ya???

Reis's said...

@Lucky. Kayaqnya gw mulai ngerti deh, kurangnya apa. KEnapa seh, kita para gay selalu harus dihadapkan dengan pilihan seperti itu: bf atau orang tua? Gw beneren ga nyaman deh. Soalnya, tanpa keduanya, rasanya hidup gw itu kurang lengkap gito. Cant I just have both at the same time? AM I being greedy by wanting that?

Dan gw ga akan bisa coming out. Because my mom udah bikin statement yang strict dengan hal2 beginian.

Reis's said...

@reallylife
Yes, indeed. dengan link terpampang gito, gimana ga ke sana?

lucky said...

Anak kecil (gw pengen manggil loe adik kecil tp loe kan udah punya aa' huahahahaha) kita hidup di dunia yg blm bisa menerima hub sesama jenis. Ga ada pilihan lain selain menghadapinya.

Loe udah stated:
"Dan gw ga akan bisa coming out"
tp itu bukan berarti loe ga bisa dapat kebahagiaan dengan seorang pria yg menjadi bf loe kan.

bisa juga pindah dan merried di belanda hihihihihi.....

tinggal bagaimana cara nya loe aja menyiasati keadaan.

good luck

reallylife said...

kemana?
agak binun ni
heheheh