A little rain inside me, a little pain inside me. A little dose of mellowness to compromise the life, in a precise amount.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Love, is not a medicine..

Love is not a medicine. It never is. Love doesn't cure your loneliness. Love doesnt cure your pain. For there's time when your love causes you loneliness; times when you wish he's there with you, just the two of you and you could just forget the rest of the world. But you can't throw away all your world. You have your family. You have your own fear. And then it brings you the pain. So painful that you'd just wish time would halt, would stay still. For now. For then.

But it wont happen. So, love is never a medicine.

So, I am in pain. A pain so great that I wish I would just jump in a vast sea, get carried away, to someplace new. And when I wake up, I'd be this guy with amnesia. I wont even know who's who.

Escapist? Pathetic? Miserable? Lebai? Name whatever you want.

I think I have come to point where I have abandoned all hope. I dont even know what I am doing right now - well, other than writing this blog. I dont get gay people. I am disappointed from time to time. I am not saying I am a way better than them, or you. No. I am not comparing.

All I'm saying is, I am tired. I am really really tired.
Why gay people are getting extra paranoid about being gay?
You guys celebrate International Gay Against Homophobe, but you gays have been the homophobe itself. Don't realise it? Lets start by you being so afraid in exchanging pics, not using your own pics, and pretending that you dont know this guy.

More, you go to the PRIDE festival, not with this pride in your heart, but LUST in your dick. I am sorry for the harsh word. But I have seen so many pics titled 'Hot Guys in PRIDE' - instead of your writing about how we gays should be proud of ourselves. That is sick, don't you think?

When all of the things of being gay is just about image, hot-bods, six-pack, big-dick, and hot-sex, who's top-who's bot, what's the point then? What's the point of our life? What's the point of hoping that there's going to be my knight-in-shining-armor, who doesnt care how I look in the morning, what clothes I'm wearing currently? What's in a relationship, if you cant have this not-thinking-about-what-others-think when you hang out with him? What's in a relationship when you have to share your boyfriend with his girl-friend? What's the point in having a relationship if all he thinks about is your nude image, your sex, and after the orgasm, there's no spark left? What's the point in a friendship when you told your gay-friends that you feel disappointed in him, then he just snapped you back by telling you to stay-out-if-you-dont-wanna-feel-disappointed? What's the point of arguing so much when you know gay people have a very high EGO to say sorry when outside there he said things about being a proud gay - or proud person with his successful life and love? How can someone live with such a paradox?

So, when things are pointless like that, then what am I doing currently? Why bother falling in love? Why bother looking for a man -other than for fun? Why bother believing in a relationship, talking about future, and imagining that we'll grow old together with him? And above all that, if being gay is so DAMNED, why am I born to this world..? Yet if having sex is that fun, why do I feel empty? And amazingly, no-one would believe if I told them I am in sex-vasting. Dont worry, I am fine. My brain is not that damaged.

(sigh) (sigh) (sigh)
But maybe that all is just a luxury I cant afford.
So I retreat. Not to give up. But to hibernate. To pile up all the strength again.


2 punches:

Zhou Yu said...

Setuju!!!! Aku setuju sama poinmu tentang friendship dan pride! I am in that situation now.....

Ana said...

I ran into your blog while looking for a picture on google. I currently feel the exact same way you do in regards to relationships. Thanks for your blog, makes me feel like I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's a tough world out there, but this is how hard we have to work to be able to find someone who will truly appreciate what life is all about and not just go with the social norm. :)