The TRUTH Hurts

They said you're supposed to move on with your life when the thing you wanted so badly was so out of reach. Or the man you loved with all your life and heart was not there for you and didn't return your feeling. 

You're supposed to not waste your time and effort more on the guy who clearly has made it clear he doesn't want you. You're supposed to care less about those pretty guys on street, in a gym, in the bookstore, who don't even bother to take a look on you. You should, REALLY, I mean, really really ignore those guys who don't know how to value your existence, despite the fact that you might be damaged, broken, dark, mellow, and gloomy. They don't know the real you inside the thick armor you're wearing, or they're so BLIND that they don't even bother to make effort. They're shallow. They don't worth your time. It's their loss. Not yours. And honestly, they're responsible, in some part and in some way, for the way why you're damaged. They're not good for your soul. 

Because, whether you admit it or not, life does go on. Life is too short for useless things like that. And you simply can't fix everything that goes wrong. One or two mistakes, maybe, but you just can't control everything. You can take it as a lesson, though, for life as we know it, has her ups and downs. So you fall now and then, once in a while, but it's okay. 

You're doing okay, Ed. You're doing fine. Not great, but okay. 

You're supposed to move on, Ed. Waiting for someone to watch your back is getting old, and he might never come. But so what? You have been living your 25 years without that kind of romance. Maybe less, though, yet you know you've been living boyfriend-less these past few years. You make it through every other day. 

And you know what, Ed? The world right now could use someone good. Someone nice. Someone who really cares. Books. Food. Medicine. Anything. It's time to open your eyes wide, Ed. Start thinking really big. 

The Memories were supposed to fade #2

"Can I come to your marriage?"

"Why do you want to come?"

"To make sure if you're happy."

"Stupid. It's not that I have another choice."

"I know. But you could at least have my blessing."

(a long hug)

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"How can I be happy if it's not with you?"

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"I'll bring another guy, perhaps. To let you see I could try to be happy. Or I'll just leave after I see you up there with your beautiful bride."

"I love you."

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"I love you, too." 

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The Memories were supposed to fade #1

 

 

"If one day, you don't love me anymore, what will happen to us?"

"We can still be friends."

"I dont wanna be your friend. I can't be your friend."

"Why?"

"Do you really need me to explain?"

"Well, nevertheless, there won't be such a day."

"How can you be so sure?"

(long pause)

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.

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"Lets enjoy today and this moment more. Whatever happens, happens. Talking about it now won't be any useful. Besides, you're going to leave tomorrow."

The Things that Haven't Changed

To you, it was only a sea. To me, it was a place where my longing broke in to your shore, knocking in front of your shore, yet you never realized I had been there the whole day.

To you, it was only a wave. To me, it was an endless effort, coming in and being rejected for times, yet there was this solemn faith that someday you'd find me as charming as the sun you're bathing yourself with. 

To you, it was only a me. Someone who rode the same train with you and whom you could forget about soon as you got off and continued your life and probably met someone new whom you'd consider of settling down with. 

To me, I was an idiot who would fall so deep, so true, so mad for you, trying so hardly to swallow back the words that was supposed to be meant for you but I just couldn't manage to bring it out from my mouth. 

So I kept coming back.

So I would never be the beautiful rain evaporating from the sea, pouring down beautifully to you from the sky before sacrificing myself to the sun to be a rainbow to your eternity.

So I would never be the big tide that you'd surf on, that would bring your boat sailing towards the greatness ahead. 

And I just remained the same despite countless desperate wish...

The World of Our Own

You see the happy couples down there in the corner of the cafe?

You see those people hugging together when they hit the dance floor?

You see the shiny and healthy smiles in their faces? 

You notice how they have this content eyes, like they have had everything that matters?

You notice how they are once again whole, as if someone has put the last missing piece to their jigsaw of life?

You notice how cute they are when they're completing each other's sentences? 

I do.

I see you in them. 

I notice us in them. 


So hold my hands.
I'll take you there... 

The Place is Not That Far

Do you remember the song we used to sing together, me never hitting the right note while you with a perfectly perfect voice? 

Do you remember how you used to clap your hands happily whenever we finished a song, and then you'd turn to me and tell me how much you like hearing me singing because I once told you that you're the only one whom I'd sing to? 

Do you remember how nervously you used to pick a song to go solo, how carefully you then sang it for me, and how earnestly you looked at me as if no one else would matter to you for you really wanted to make sure that I had those stars in my eyes listening to you crumbling my heart? 

It doesn't matter if you don't. 

I'd run, I'd crawl, I'd swim a hundred rivers, I'd climb a thousand walls, 

just to find a way to get to where you are. 

Then I'd tell you that there's no place that far. 

I'd remind you of everything we used to have. 

Take me back, would you? 

*inspired by Westlife's No Place That Far

The Labyrinth With Us Inside

The sun keeps rising every morning, even when the night tirelessly tries to drown it back to the darkness.

The rain keeps on falling to the ground, flowing back to the river, to the sea, and back to the sky, even when the clouds have already learnt well to let them go.

The tidal waves keep breaking in before the beach, even when the shore has made it really clear he doesn't want them. 

And eventually love is supposed to not come just for once. 

There is this cycle we're going through circling and just someday, when the time is right, the place is right, and everything else doesn't really matter anymore, I'll meet you. I'll see you. I'll love you like I have always done. 

The twilight is not red

senjamu berjelaga.

ada dahaga yang lama tak teraga.

maka biarkan ia berlalu di hitungan ketiga

karena ada aku, senantiasa terjaga

untuk malam-malam yang menganga...

*posted as comments in Aa's blog

The Monochromatic Grey

I have used up all the metaphors to describe a single feeling I am feeling about you right now that I couldn't actually find a new one to throw to you with just one tiny hope that you'd take one more look at me again. 
I have got tired of using the same theme, the same words, the same nuance to talk those things about you that eventually it only left me being numb and senseless and deprived. 
I have raised my head staring the sky, the universe, the trees, the leaves, the birds, the sun, and even the moon like already a thousand times to just to find myself noticing them as a sign that I haven't got over you and that I should really really try to get you back, even if I have to beg for you and be a lowly-life of a drifter who's really dying to die in your arms.... 


I am pathetic. 
I am miserable. 
And realising how much you could do to me without even really staying by my side, just making me hate myself more and more for being so vulnerable, fragile, and stupid. 

The Birthday Wish

Candles were blown.

Wishes were made.

Hands were shaken. 

Pictures were taken.
Same old ritual that has never failed to touch my heart, again and again. 

I really wanted to be thankful. Yet somehow, I could always manage to steal some time to try to find if there was your line of words in perhaps my Facebook page, Friendster page, my YM, or even in my phone. You were no longer there, wishing me those sweet wishes for me, about us.

Did you remember the first night we met? 

Did you remember those promises you made the first morning we woke up to each other?

Did you remember my touch?

Did you remember my smell?

Did you remember the kisses?

Did you remember me... at all?

Candles were blown. Another year was taken away from me. 

Wishes were made. This time, I silently wished that you'd be happy even it's without me.

Hands were shaken. I promised that there won't be no tears anymore.

Pictures were taken. It's going to be ok to create some new memories, even if it's without you.

Same old ritual. Did you remember everything we used to have? 

ps. thank you, guys. :) 

The Repeat Order

I have seen too many sunsets disappearing into the dark that eventually it only leaves me with this numbness I can't explain. 

I have stood long enough to feel what it feels like before the sun actually rises that it finally hits me that I can be ok even if you're not here by my side, whispering a very sweet Good Morning. 
I have counted too much rain-drop breaking on the ground, creating some kind of tragic melody in the air, that it leaves me wondering if you have your own umbrella at the time when it's raining. 


I have been through all these over and over again. 
Just the exact amount of time I've spent wishing someone who's not even real yet, not here yet, and not known yet.... 

The Train is Leaving

I wished I had begged you to stay.

I wished I had ignored the pride and cared less about the grace. 

I wished I had known how to say sorry at the time, even for things I hadn't done. 

I wished I had learnt my lesson well.

But now look at us both.
Look at me, running and escaping from town to town, trying to ease I didn't even know what.
Drowning myself into beer and getting drunk just to take my mind off of you for a while, secretly hoping that I wouldn't have to wake up the next morning.
Throwing myself in the arms of strangers from the bar, trying desperately to mend the broken heart and to forget your scent. 


I wished I had begged you to stay. 
I had wished there had never been a too-late.