Reserved

All the short messages. All the phone calls. All the sweet nothings. Suddenly they're all felt so excessive. So out of place. So out of date.

Don't get me wrong. I am a romantic person. I write poems. I write melancholic stuff - so melancholic that you even wanna puke.

But, getting the same messages from the very same person who just told you he's in love with you a week or two ago? Wait a minute. That's a whole different context. Everytime he sent me a message, it would be only containing words like 'I miss you', 'Thinking of you', 'Hi..', just that. AND he expected me writing back. What I am supposed to say? How is me saying 'I miss you' back going to help him? To help this relationship? Is this even a relationship? Moreover, doesnt he think that I deserve more than that? Hullo?

And he actually called me at 11 PM, when I was already asleep. And then once at 8 AM, when I was at office already. I was like, 'Get a life, dude.' I didnt pick up, because I couldn't. At other times? He just asked me if I had dinner yet, or if I was busy, or How I am adjusting to the new environment. He never forgot to say that he missed me. Whenever he's at that mode, I just dont what know what to say. I want communication. I have lots to say, actually, but at times like that, I just swallow it back. Because I know, me speaking what I feel, is not going to be useful. It's only getting things harder. You dont do that, not especially when things are already hard. Plus, he's not ready to talk. And this is not me putting words in his mouth. I just know. I sense it. I sense this 'better-have-somebody-than-be-alone-after-all' in him.

Years ago, maybe sweet nothings would work for me. But now? It's just meaningless. Words, to me, show nothing. You dont say 'I love you' to someone in expectation that he would say the same thing back. You dont say 'I miss you' everyday, in the thought so that he would stay for you, that he would not give up on you. You dont get to say 'I really hope that you're here with me', because the other party is feeling exactly the same thing too, and it's too miserable for himself too for not being there for you. That is not romantic. That is Oeey Goeey. Romantic is when you do unusual things - things you normally would not do, but you would, for him. Romantic is when you watch him falling asleep in your arms, but you dont move, and the next morning, your arms ache like never but you wont complain, because his comfort is more than enough for you than any pain-killer. Romantic is, despite you're so damn busy, you still make your time for him - you tell him you're busy and what you're busy with and hope he has a nice day ahead. Romantic is not the same as words. Nor regular SMS. Nor regular phone calls. And you dont text or call only when you're not busy, or when you have some spare time, like he does. Dont you think your significant other deserve more than your spare time? I mean, hullo, what is he? A leisure fun??? Jeez.

One thing I like about older guys, is the fact that they're more mature in so many ways. More mature in the context that 'I've been through what you've been through, so I understand', not judging, not blaming, and not just saying 'You are still a brondong, so you dont know.' How're those things gonna help? But he's not the same, and not even close to what I call mature. I am not supposed to generalize. I know. I am not taking him for granted.

But now I am more than convinced. This is not a relationship.
I am not in a relationship.
I am not single, too.
And I have exactly a word to describe this.

I am reserved. Oops. It's that too harsh? LOL.
And no, I am not playing with him. Or anybody.
But this is not love. He has never once told me that he wants to come visiting me. He just asks me to go back to J- or B-town and then meets him. *Shaking head*.
I am being overly picky or hard for people to approach me? I am being overly expensive while I am cheaper than a bitch?

LOOK. I know I dont have the look. Somebody just told me right to my face, 'It's a good thing that you realise that.' I dont even have the body that you would be going to dream about, or the one that makes you scream orgasm all night long. *that's gross..haha*

But is that a reason why I should be easy on people? While I still believe that love does exist? That my fairy tale will come true? I dont mind the waiting. Why should people mind, then?

AJ world. It's getting harder each day, dont you think? I just dont get it.
Kevin Walker was right, after all. We would never know how to be an aj.


ps. and no. this is not me being a princess. this is not me demanding things. this is not me feeling that i am the center of the world.