Think TWICE before you READ

So no one told you life was gonna be this way *clap*clap*clap*clap*

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA

It's like you're always stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year

You meet strangers over the internet. MIRC, Messenger, Facebook, and perhaps when you’re blog-walking.

Slap me, kill me, but correct me, but I think the first intuition you go with is to find what’s similar between you and him.

Mutual interest, same hobbies, or anything like that.

You build your first impression regarding him, and if you’re both connected in some way, you go on. Either as a friend, an acquaintance, or perhaps something more serious than that – No, I’m not talking about sex.

Or at least, that is the case with me. I am not an extrovert person. I keep my stuff inside. What’s personal to me isn’t really personal to you too. For example, the previous post before this? It’s that personal to me. But I decide to share it, eventually, for there have been a few people saying that they wanted to know me better. They said that I could actually start from my background. So there it was. I don’t really find it interesting. I don’t really find it worth your time. But this is me, trying to be personal, as I am a person too.

So, anyway, when you approach, or I approach you, I’d find something similar between us, first. And by reading this blog, you guys know already what I’m talking about. Honestly, I’m not looking for ‘just’ a friend over the internet. I am looking for a very particular kind of friend. A friend ‘like me’. A friend ‘like us’. I don’t wanna sound shallow, but sorry and no-offense, I already have friends more than enough. But what I can’t get from the real life, I have to find it somewhere else. And I do find some quite nice PLU-friends from the internet. I have been friends with a few for almost 6 years now, and hopefully it’s still counting. I have even spent the night over at their place. Meeting their parents. We have fights, of course, but like he told me once, Good friends are like butt-cheeks, they’re still together even sh*t comes between them.

So how do I start a friendship like this? What do I talk? Firstly, of course some standard questions to help me do the profiling. Your age, your hobbies, and so on. I just need to know. But for me to actually talk stuff like that? You have to wait. I get comfortable, too comfortable even, talking about AJ’s love life, for the –say- appetizer. Why? Because I don’t get the chance to share it with someone from my real life. But unfortunately, my love life is so messed up that it makes me sound like I’m complaining. How so? Tell you about it next time. Just, it even suggests that I’m not a whole person. That I’m – say- negative. That I lament, all the time, because there’s nothing much I could talk.   

But one thing here, I lament not because I don’t know how to be happy. You may say I’m bitter. But life itself is not always that sweet, right? A person actually told me that my posts are all about the bitter things. That’s true. You know why? Because all the bitterness needs a place to go. Needs a dump. But to throw it away just like that? Where’s the learning point? So I post it all over the blog, to just read it someday, again. This is me, trying to cope with my own life. And readers MAY HAVE OPINION. I’m ready to take the blow, of course. Throw your adjectives to me. Because I DO THINK THAT IF YOU CAN’T TAKE CRITICS, THEN DON’T WRITE! Ever think that if a friend is criticizing you, it means he cares??? Ever think that he means no harm?? It’s a whole another case if it’s a stranger who’s criticizing you. But still, if you let other people define you, who’s the dumbest of all? Really. And does A CRITIC ALWAYS MEAN THAT THE PERSON IS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU? WITH YOUR POSTS???? Hullo?? Who’s so self-absorbed here????  

The bottomline here, I’d label myself as dark and twisted. Insecure, to some extent. And for your information, it’s not a flaw. And I’m not alone – open your horizon, there’re so many dark and twisted people out there, but they’re at the same time, could appear to be happy, too. Dark and twisted are two adjectives different from being negative. But have you ever wondered why I am dark and twisted? Have it occurred to you that perhaps it’s one of so many self-defence mechanisms? Have it occurred to you that perhaps a melancholic person can’t avoid being mellow? Have it occurred to you that perhaps it's a great deal you'd be doing by JUST LISTENING???? WITHOUT JUDGING??  FYI, It’s not because of my family background, or how I’m raised. If you can’t understand that, then why bother? Save your energy, save your time, and save your emotion. I am sure I am not worth it.

You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight

You've burned your breakfast so far... things are goin' great

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these

Oh but she didn't tell you when the world has brought

You down to your knees that...

See, the person I am inside, is the one little-boy, who’s seeing everything in a pre-cautious way. I worry too much. But does it stop me from reaching good things? From fighting my own way to happiness? No. If there’s anything I do good, it’s fighting for my own dream. I didn’t rise from a poor kid to what I am now without the spirit of fighting, did I? But a dream, to me, doesn’t have to be said out loud. It exists intimately. I shared my dreams only twice: to my ex and to a Caucasian. And what happened then? I lost contact with both that I actually thought to myself: What’s the point of sharing dreams? Moreover, I have always dreamt my dreams alone. You know my family background, right? We’re taught to fight for our own dream, by our own effort, not to just depend on others too much.

And here you label me as being the person who laments. Did I ever tell you that I actually don’t enjoy my work? Did I ever tell you that life in this B-town is not so lively that I’m bored? And so many other things like that, that I won’t share. Why? Because it’s the price I have to cope with. Because I do know that life isn’t always about the ups, but also the downs.. Because I am actually okay with the downs. Because I do think that it makes me only human if I choose to share the downs with you.. And I’m truly sorry if that’s what bugs you.

You know, you could actually tell me your worries, your problems. I am actually a good listener. From only a dump to a few good advices, try me.

No one could ever know me

No one could ever see me

Seems you're the only one who knows

What it's like to be me

Someone to face the day with

Make it through all the rest with

Someone I'll always laugh with

Even at my worst I'm best with you, yeah

Lastly, you might consider this as a rebuttal. How I smartly twist all the words, and all. But I’m telling you, I’m the person who would speak my mind out. If I feel that it’s not okay with me, that it’s not right, then I’m going to tell you. I don’t blame you if you don’t wanna listen. Long as you know, if you have me fighting you back, arguing back with you, it only means I do care. I still care. There’s this fellow blogger, who I’m sure is writing about me in his blog, but I don’t even bother to explain things there. I just don’t care.

And so that you know, this will be my last explanation. I’m done trying to explain myself to a person who judges TOO MUCH without giving others a time and a fair chance to explain themselves.

Because in the end, I’d only end-up being the bad guy. Because in the end, a kid like me doesnt ever get a chance to speak his mind. Because in the end, sharing your problem with a stranger over the internet would only cause your heart broken in pieces.

I'll be there for you

When the rain starts to pour

I'll be there for you

Like I've been there before

I'll be there for you

'Cuz you're there for me too...