All About Insecurity

My boyfriend (there, I used the word again. Still feeling kinda strange, though) was on an outbound training for the past three days. He returned yesterday, and I was glad that I texted him the day before, asking his availability. Guess what, I am not miserable at all. I am looking forward to seeing him again very soon, and playing some dirty tricks.

So everything was fine. Or, I thought fine. Usually, when everything's so damned smooth, I start bitching around about anything. And, unfortunately, that happens too, now.

Everything begins as it was my birthday today. He called me this morning, saying happy birthday to me, and then all his sweet wishes on me, and some on us. Then he asked me if I want any present. I told him that I didn't want any present. He was okay at first, then soon, he texted me again, saying he was at some kind of plaza, and he's looking forward to buy me something. That's sweet. Thoughtful. But is that necessary? I gave up, and practically told me what I currently plan on buying. I didnt know if he ended up buying the thing, but I certainly hope that he didnt.

And this little thing has made me thing. I dont wanna find any excuse, which is so lame. But it's just that giving gift is not a habit in my family. My mom has never given any presents at my birthdays, because there's never been any birthday party at home. We never celebrate. It's just the same ordinary day, from year to year. My parents didnt even give me any presents for any academical achievements I have accomplished. Never. I grow up thinking that having had my parents is already a gift, being born to the world is already a blessing, and my academic achievements were all something proper, not extraordinary. By saying proper, I mean that I should have accomplished those, because my parents are giving their best to put me in school. So, no gift. At all.

The point is, I dont really understand how a gift or a present could be tied to showing that you care for somebody. It certainly proves that you're sweet, you're thoughtful, but does it prove it anything else? Does it serve as measurement of anything?

Oh yes, I know I have been a bitch. I didnt tell him all this. I know that I have made this becoming much more complicated than it already is. Which is, at the end of the day, I know I have something to work out here in my department. I wanna love him in a better way. :-)

Perks

It's almost a week since the last I saw him. And it's not that bad like I've thought. I miss him though, but not to the extent that it starts becoming a burden. I dont know about him, but I do knew that he sounded very very much extra spoiled the last time I called him, which was about 10 hours ago.

There are three things that amaze me right now.

First, I have had a long-distance relationship before. It was not convenient, and I have even come to a decision where I don't believe in a such relationship anymore. Still, I choose to give it a second chance, and here we are. I complained much about him before, this relationship is official, but then I realised that this all is not easy for him too. I know that I have been very childish, and I have been trying to gain a new perspective. Thing is already hard, I wont make it harder for anyone. I'll try my best to hang in there.

Second, usually I feel that someone being spoiled with me is ooey-gooey, but this is not the case with him. He demands some care and attention from me, and I guess it's normal. If he's my shoulder to cry on, then the least I could offer is a lap for him to sleep when he's so tired, right? I ain't say anything about business; it's not like I-am-doing-you-A-so-you-should-give-me-B. A relationship should be mutual. But you know it already.

Third, he sure changed a lot. He's silently figuring out a way to reach out to me. What I say matters much for him. He keeps all the sweet SMS I have sent him. We cuddled all night long, and no lust involved. This is new to me. I dont feel guilty anymore.. And it's not like because he happens to say things I wanna hear then I wanna be with him. The night I met him, I knew that I missed him badly. I found out that his hug was the safest place all over the world. And at the moment, I realised one other thing; I know everything's gonna be fine with him around.

Dear Someone

Yesterday, I texted him:
Dear sky, please tell him that I miss him a lot. Let him have a nice and safe flight, always. Please tell him that I am fine here..


And he replied this..
Dear Earth, there's someone special named Ed. Please keep him safe and let him be in the right way. Because I am travelling for Europe and South Africa, so far away from him... I trust you to take care of him....

He always knows how to bring my smile back. He always know how to make me burst in tears. He always understands me the way I am. And I always miss him. Though he's very far away, I haven't felt any burden at all. I am not feeling too melancholic. Nor feeling guilty for not being by his side. I miss him, but in a way that the longing itself is not torturing me, nor giving me anxiety. Knowing he's safe and sound, that's really enough. Funny, I have never felt this way before, with any man.

He never promises me anything. He never said anything too romantic, too sweet. He never said that he loved me, nor he wanted to be with me. And I never said so too. Wishing him well, healthy, and happy, I think it's all more than enough. We enjoy our chat, our moment together, and even sometimes he would call me. Just hearing his voice, bring me back to my own spirit and hope, that everything would going to be nice and fine. That I am fine. I am so fine.