I sent him off with so much smiles... (part 2)

They said, you'll never learn to love without the pain of a broken-heart. A broken heart somehow would make a person grow wiser, more mature, which eventually leads him become a better lover.

Is that true?

I don't know. I really don't know. All I know, there's a part inside me that withered away the day he left. There's a big dark hole inside my soul, sucking away my passion, my spirit, and my everything.

That day was actually only a week or more before the Valentine's Day. He went home late, and I was waiting for him. Two hours before, I had changed my clothes to a casual one, for I knew he wouldn't make it home on time. And he would be very tired already, that I thought it's probably the best that we spent the rest of the night together, talking, dreaming, or hugging. But it wasn't the case. Honestly, I didn't even see that this day would have come.

So, gently, he touched my cheek, and said that he had something to say....

He always had something to say. And I always got excited to listening to what he'd say........
He told me then that the thing could wait after dinner. But I insisted on him saying it before. For the last time, he gave in, and he did it as I wished.

He began by saying how I was never happy with him. I always cried whenever I met him, up to a point where he told me that he's willing not to see me again instead of seeing me cry for him, for it ached him.

Up until now, I still wished I had told him that there're two kinds of tears: the happy tears, and the sad tears.. I wished I had told him that I cried not because I was sad, but more because I was regretting our position; how I could never be with him. I was resenting his being far away, his being busy fighting not only for himself, his family, but also for me. I cried because I was touched; how could I meet someone like him; so nice and gentle and loved me that much......

Then he told me, how he could never choose between his parents nor me. He's the only son, so it's his duty to carry on his family's name, and it's his duty to get married. I told him before I was okay. But then he always said that it was not fair for me; how he's not worthy for all the difficulties I had met, and how he didn't want me to spend too much time on a relationship with no future.....

I cried. Again, without knowing why.

Then I asked him the ultimate question... whether he's letting me go.. whether he's breaking up with me...

He closed his eyes. I could see his tears, wetting his cheek.

My world stopped. My heart stopped. It felt like everything'd been transformed into falling tears..

He didn't even say goodbye. He didn't even say sorry. He just told me to cry it out, so that I wouldn't have to cry for him anymore.

He didn't come home that night. He didn't come home that noon. He came by 5 PM, and drove me to a friend's place. I couldn't stay at his place anymore, could I? Because then he wouldnt come home..

So, I sent him off with so much smile. I wanted him to remember me smiling for him, for the last time, no matter how pale I looked.

And he's right. I didn't cry for him anymore after that. I didn't cry for anybody, anymore.

Yes, I cried over some stupid movies, but not for anyone. Not for anybody. His leaving took away almost everything I used to believe in. It damaged me to some level.

Yet, there's no regret. I now smile whenever I recalled anything about him. Anything about me. Anything about things I'd done for him out of stupidity. I smiled the last time he called, telling me about his boyfriend. I smiled the last time I heard his friend told me that he's married. And I smile, for at least, I saw love once in my life.