I sent him off with so much smiles... (part 1)

Some memories are not to be forgetten. You simply can't forget, even though you have tried so hard, so willingly to let go all your past. But no matter how many times you said goodbye to that past, it keeps coming back to you. No matter how many times you resolutely decide to move on, it keeps haunting you on your sleepless night.

Or maybe it's just me.. I dont know.

All I know, I still remember how we first knew each other. We texted each other every now and then, intended to be only friends. But then I was in a bad shape. I was really devastated when JT left. He was also in a bad shape; someone he'd been chasing had just rejected his love. And we're just two persons who happened to be comforting each other. Soon, he stated his intention on me, how he wanted to take a chance on me.

So, long story short, he started to call regularly, every Saturday night. Or every now and then when he's down and he felt like he wanted to hear my voice to cheer him up. And I get used to it. And I feel in love. He's a nice guy. I was 18 and foolishly holding up to my imagination of love and relationship. We haven't even met; cheesy, isn't it? But I believed in him. And love is simply blind, isn't it?

The first time I cried with him was when I failed my test to this university at Jakarta. We're two fools who spent the night crying over the phone. He texted me more regularly after that, making sure that I was okay. That he could take a little more waiting for me..

The first time we met? It was one hour before midnight. It was the last hour before my birthday ended. He came from Jakarta to Bandung, right after his working hour, which got extended due to some extra work load. He hadn't had his dinner; he bought the only tix left, which was so expensive at the time. He didn't know Bandung, I was new; so I gave him my address, hoping somehow he would find me. And he did find me. He smiled when he saw me. I was so nervous that I didn't even remember how to breathe.I was so touched that he's willingly to go through all the difficulties just for me - I mean, sometimes, people are just giving up when they face a lil bit difficulties, right? He did stupid things but he didn't resent it because he knew I was worth it.

Then he asked me if I was still in. If I wanted to his boy.

I smiled. It was dark. So I asked him back if he still remembered the story he had told me before, about him going to Bali alone. There was a Caucasian who asked him if he wanted to be his one night stand, and if the answer was yes, he could hold the Caucasian's hand.

He said yes.

And I held his hand.

And he was like, Yiippeee!!

He kissed me that night.

He hugged me so tight that night.

We spent the morning cuddling in the bed, then he left for Jakarta.

I sent him off with so much smiles.

It was my best birthday night.

Then I returned to my dorm, taking a bath.

There, I cried. Without any good explanation. I didn't even know why I couldn't control my tears. . .   .

Well, here I come.

One thing I like about weekend is..

.. that I dont have to wake up early in the morning. I get to sleep till noon, then wake up tired because I sleep too much, and start to think what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. And voila, the weekend ends in the blink of an eye, and Monday comes again.

Anywho, I've been spending this weekend watching one season and a half of Samantha Who. I've got to say that despite the hillarious laugh I have, the most interesting part is, I get a lot of new thing to learn. Wait, do I start to be geeky again?

For some of you, Samantha Who might not be a new comedy to pick up. But for those who aren't a series-freak, let me brief you: Samantha Newly was a bitch who got massive injury in the head by a car-accident then woke up 8 days later having a retrograde amnesia. It's cheesy, huh? LOL. By saying bitch, I do mean that she's a bitch: She was so self-absorbed that made any shell-fish jealous, she was the biatch who slept with too many married-men and simultaneously cheated on his boy-friend, sabotaged her bff's relationship, and got a restraining order from one of his ex. But she had the chance to be the new her: so, she's making her redemption. She ultimately realised that she couldnt change people around her - she could only change herself.

There's this one remarkable episode in season 2 - or season 1? Never mind - where she got this perfect James McAvoy-like boyfriend. This guy was an environmentalist and rich and handsome and nice and gentle. He cared the whole world, he baby-sat a baby-lamb, he was a vegetarian, he had an electric car, and.. he refused to buy a building because Sam asked him not to. Okay, the last part is like very lebai - but please dont judge me being lebai just because you're so cynical of a romantic relationship nor your teeth hurt all in sudden. I mean it *melirik*.

Anywho, Sam felt like a sinner when she's around him. So she tried to imitate his lifestyle, even though she didn't like it. She started to live a green-life, coping with his boyfriend. Then finally, the day came: when she had to come to a park he's trying to build for kids, where she had to watch people throwing manure. Immediately after pretending sick, she came clean. And guess what? I thought the guy would yell at her, or would look at her in a whole-shallowy way, and that everything would never be the same, and that this was it.

But..

The guy said that it was okay for Samantha to live the life she wanted. That he, amazingly, didn't expect Samantha to be something she was not. That he amazingly understood that Samantha was Samantha, and he took her no less than that. Because they both knew that if anything went wrong, Samantha would resent him. And I was like, WAOW. I mean, how many guys out there are like that? How many aj's are actually behaving and wise like that?

I think that we're too desperately trying to change a guy to be the guy. I think that we're trying too desperately to change ourselves for someone we love. Change is good, I know, but aren't we supposed to accept and to love them as who they are, no matter what? For instance, you don't get married because your parents want you to get married. What happened to 'be yourself'? Is it so impossible because ultimately and eventually, being gay is all about the image - the muscles, the nice abs, the beautiful body and face? Is it too numbing that we try to be our true self? Is it too painful to accept the truth that we dont like ourselves? Anywho, I dont wanna judge - anymore.

In the end, Samantha broke up with the guy. But not because she couldn't live up to his standards. More because she was not happy with the guy. The guy might be perfect in a paper, but it doesn't guarantee you happiness. Sam's mother told her, 'If I heard someone mentioning your father, I would think that they're mentioning a fat dog. But I'm happy with your father.' This line then brought me back to certain someone who told me that he's not confident enough with his face - that he looked like a babu or something like that. And that his skin tone is too dark. I mean, besides the fact that there're guys who're lining up for him, I really wish he was only bitching up. hahaha..

Anywho, to conclude the post, I think you should all watch the latest Grey's Anatomy eps. Season six, eps 5, Invasion. It has something to do about aj relationship. Enjoy your day, folks!

And even with all his flaws..

I was on my way to Samarinda that morning. It was 6 AM, and the bus was pretty quiet, for everyone else was sleeping. I gazed at the sky. The grayish color suggested that it was gonna rain soon after, and it did. I gazed at the road, seeing almost the same grayish color; watching people passing by on their bike or in their car.

It was then that I thought of him.

How has he been? Has he been busy? What was he doing? Was he thinking about me? Has he missed me?

It was also then that I realised; I missed him.

Missing him in the way that I wished I could see him sleeping. I could hug him. Kiss him. Watching him ignoring me, and choosing the television instead. I missed his way of saying HI to me. I missed his way waking up before me, getting dressed, then kissing good morning. I missed his smile. And even, I missed him being so annoying, so selfish, so not romantic, and yet, so shy. All the things that used to bother me, now seemed so far away, and I found myself now, not resenting it. I missed it all.

Then the logical part of me asked that question: Even if he missed me, would he miss me in the same way I have missed him? Or just I happened to be the guy in the right time, even if I was not THE ONE he's been looking for?

I knew I was not supposed to be whiny. I was not supposed to look for his mistake. But then, if he's flawless, then he's not right, is he?

I smiled all along my way.

Partly because I felt that for the first time, love could also be releasing.

I was the guy who didn't believe in long distance relationship. More because my first didn't work out well. But this one, I do hope that we're going somewhere. It's too early to conclude anything, I know, but I would still let myself to believe in it. I would let myself fall again.. I would...let...myself...love again.

To add the reason of my smile, I recalled the first time I knew I loved him. It was at this particular hotel at Pecenongan, Jakarta. I booked the wrong date for my flight, and I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go back to B-town, because I have said goodbye to them. It's not funny to say goodbye twice. So, I texted him. And he invited me to his hotel.

He was right there at the lobby.

He was waiting for me.

He smiled when he saw me.

And I knew, I loved him.

I knew I was safe in his arm.

He brought me to his room.

We cuddled. We kissed. We hugged.

It was also the night when he first told me that he loved me.

You know, I was always the person who would halt myself everytime someone told me he loved me. I would take a pause and ask myself, WHY?, IN WHAT WAY?, HOW?, and so many more.

He asked me then if I loved him.

I smiled.

He said that if I did love him, I could kiss him mouth to mouth; and if not, I could kiss him in the forehead.

I kissed his lips.

And even with all his flaws,

I knew I wouldnt regret.

 

Over-rate-ism

Love is over-rated. With love, you cant buy your food. You cant buy your career. Your dream. Your health. Your wealth. Your regret. Love is a currency with no value. The straight thinks that with love, there comes free sex -or they say making love as the euphemism just to compensate the so-called meaning and happiness, but the truth is, it is not. You buy movie tickets, meal at fancy restaurants, and even balance for your phone. You spend money. And the sex isn't always good. So, at the end,you dont sell love, let alone put an additional word before it, such as true or endless. And so, yes, you could live without love.

With love, you have an excuse to grow old. It seems so. But actually, it is not. You're merely trading. You accept him being old,and in return, you expect him accept you too.

Another reason to say that we're all foolish enuf to fall in love, is how we welcome the misery. We want the misery. We love being foolish. That's our life. So, love is over-rated.