Friendship in Q world

Recently, there's a cute guy I found over the chat-room. We talked, and he, amazingly, was being so open, so no paranoid like aj these days. Long story short, he texted me often and asked to meet me. Standard SOP, and you know it already.

So, we met last Tuesday. I was late, and he already left the spot to go to karaoke with his aj friends. He was a bit in stress, so he needed to shout it out. I went to the karaoke lounge, and we met for the first time, officially. He gave a very good impression, you know. He texted me a few minutes after we parted, asking me about his first impression. He actually said that I was cute (!). And since then, we've been texting each other so regularly.

He texted me good morning and good night.

He asked me what I've been doing, regularly.

He asked me if I had my lunch or dinner already, and if I had, what was my menu.

He asked me to go with him to the cinema.

If you're me, what would you think? What does those text mean? Somehow, I thought that maybe this guy was interested, and he's not that bad, so I gave it a chance.

I learnt, by time, that he's not exactly the guy I've been looking for. I'm not practically single, so I thought, "Hey, lets play this game."

We met again last Saturday, and he chatted a lot, again. I learnt again, that the guy was actually like me. He's looking for a mature person in a relationship. He's resenting that people in the town are being so paranoid and not fair, and therefore, being jerk. He likes being alone at weekends, he dislikes the basa-basi chit-chat. And I was losing my passion more and more. So I began texting another guy - Guys, if you ever meet me, and see me texting every now and then, it only means one thing: I am bored.

Ultimately, he told me that he's more into friendship. For friendship doesnt need too much feeling inside. Friendship doesnt need too much emotion, and therefore he could avoid being heart-broken. It is still amazing, though, because apparently, this topic has been on my mind since I was back from Singapore.

Is there really a friendship in the aj world?

I have a few aj friends, who's just friend. But we're all not in the same town. And all of them are top guys - not that I asked them their roles, but I can really judge from their types of guys.

But bottom friends??

Perhaps I should change the question: Can a bot make friend to another bot? Or they would end up fighting, yelling, and slapping each other?

No offense here, but I do think that bot aj are very much sensitive. They're going to be mad for anything simple - which is one of my reasons avoiding having a relationship with a bot aj even though I'm sexless. Here, here, I'm not making a prejudice, but that's the fact I've been observing lately. Perhaps, to some people, a sensitive and spoiled (I was referring to 'merajuk', what's the English for that?) aj could be fun and adorable. But, sorry, not me.

I admit that I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes. I do things I'm not supposed to do. I say things I'm not supposed to say - or more like, I say things in a wrong manner and therefore, wrongfully understood. Okay, I admit my mistakes. I say sorry. I apologize. And I even let the offensed party to yell at me. But then there's like never a second chance. Or is it too much to give a second chance? Or am I simply just not worth it because I am a stranger into their lives, one person that gives no use to them?? Honestly, I dont know anymore. And really, I earnestly wish that there's a manual for Q relationship: boyfriends, partnership, Fuck-buddy, one-night-stand up to friendship.

So, I was silenced when he offered me a friendship.

So, in the end, I told him that I do believe in a Q friendship. Because I have it.

And at the moment, I remember someone I've hurt for I couldnt make the things like I've promised. So, to you, I had another appointment that weekend too, and I had to cancel it, and I didn't even tell him at the first place. You know what the other guy told me? He said, big deal, you couldn't make it, at least you'd have called me, but lets move forward. And I really wish you'd say that to me instead of giving me a silent treatment.... But anyway, your choice, and I'm really tired.

Maybe it's time again to hibernate. To stop exploring people in manjam or fridae, period. I don't know.

Questions

Is it love?

How can you tell?

Is it measured by things he'd do for you, no matter how stupid it is, or stuff he'd buy just to make you happy?

Is it in words he'd say, text messages he'd send, or some sweet-nothings he'd exchange with you?

Is it about the good-mornings, good-afternoons, or even good-nights?

Is it summarized by poems he'd write?

Is it measure by the sex he'd make to you, and the post-orgasm conversation he'd chat about?

Or is it just you?

How your heart is pumping much faster when he's around?

How your head is a mess when he hasn't replied your text?

How your night gets lonelier when he's not there to hug you?

How your mouth smiles 24-hour non-stop?

How your hand hugs stuff he'd buy, or how your heart'd tell you that you'd better keep those things he buys carefully because you dont wanna ruin nor consummate it?

Or is it mutual?

How you both can spend hours just being silent, staring at each other's eyes?

How you can hug each other, without any urge to have sex at that very moment, because you know it's now more about love rather than lust?

How you can complete each other's sentence, how you both learn what you guys like or dont like..?

..

.

.

Or is now the perfect time to tell me that this all is just a dream, a silly one, that won't even exist?

But what about me?

Is it useless if I am being a romantic fool for just one more day?

Is it stupid if I'm willing to risk it all, to fall in love, and to hurt later because there's simply no such thing as happily-ever-after for PLU?

.

.

.

I don't know.

... or is it more because I know the answer but no willing to see it? To face it and then to understand it..?

Because if we deserve to be happy, why Leslie Cheung committed suicide? Why Stephen Gately did what he did?

A friend once asked me, if I'd do the same thing if I were them.

I said, NO.

And that's all I have for now........

I sent him off with so much smiles... (part 2)

They said, you'll never learn to love without the pain of a broken-heart. A broken heart somehow would make a person grow wiser, more mature, which eventually leads him become a better lover.

Is that true?

I don't know. I really don't know. All I know, there's a part inside me that withered away the day he left. There's a big dark hole inside my soul, sucking away my passion, my spirit, and my everything.

That day was actually only a week or more before the Valentine's Day. He went home late, and I was waiting for him. Two hours before, I had changed my clothes to a casual one, for I knew he wouldn't make it home on time. And he would be very tired already, that I thought it's probably the best that we spent the rest of the night together, talking, dreaming, or hugging. But it wasn't the case. Honestly, I didn't even see that this day would have come.

So, gently, he touched my cheek, and said that he had something to say....

He always had something to say. And I always got excited to listening to what he'd say........
He told me then that the thing could wait after dinner. But I insisted on him saying it before. For the last time, he gave in, and he did it as I wished.

He began by saying how I was never happy with him. I always cried whenever I met him, up to a point where he told me that he's willing not to see me again instead of seeing me cry for him, for it ached him.

Up until now, I still wished I had told him that there're two kinds of tears: the happy tears, and the sad tears.. I wished I had told him that I cried not because I was sad, but more because I was regretting our position; how I could never be with him. I was resenting his being far away, his being busy fighting not only for himself, his family, but also for me. I cried because I was touched; how could I meet someone like him; so nice and gentle and loved me that much......

Then he told me, how he could never choose between his parents nor me. He's the only son, so it's his duty to carry on his family's name, and it's his duty to get married. I told him before I was okay. But then he always said that it was not fair for me; how he's not worthy for all the difficulties I had met, and how he didn't want me to spend too much time on a relationship with no future.....

I cried. Again, without knowing why.

Then I asked him the ultimate question... whether he's letting me go.. whether he's breaking up with me...

He closed his eyes. I could see his tears, wetting his cheek.

My world stopped. My heart stopped. It felt like everything'd been transformed into falling tears..

He didn't even say goodbye. He didn't even say sorry. He just told me to cry it out, so that I wouldn't have to cry for him anymore.

He didn't come home that night. He didn't come home that noon. He came by 5 PM, and drove me to a friend's place. I couldn't stay at his place anymore, could I? Because then he wouldnt come home..

So, I sent him off with so much smile. I wanted him to remember me smiling for him, for the last time, no matter how pale I looked.

And he's right. I didn't cry for him anymore after that. I didn't cry for anybody, anymore.

Yes, I cried over some stupid movies, but not for anyone. Not for anybody. His leaving took away almost everything I used to believe in. It damaged me to some level.

Yet, there's no regret. I now smile whenever I recalled anything about him. Anything about me. Anything about things I'd done for him out of stupidity. I smiled the last time he called, telling me about his boyfriend. I smiled the last time I heard his friend told me that he's married. And I smile, for at least, I saw love once in my life.