Defining Relationship

Recently, there was this news I read over the internet. It's about a male-prostitution networking, and the writer was concerned that it has reached not only Jakarta, but also some other areas here in Indonesia as well. As I read along, I also learnt that the market share for the gigolos is bigger for Oom Senang, or literally translated as.. er.. Delightful Uncle? It also said that the growth of gigolos is mainly due to the financial problems, and perhaps, to some extent, the ease of access: the advance of Internet. To be more particular, there, point-blank, it mentioned this website, where I am currently joined as a member, as the source of gigolos, as the writer thought that the site was built by some gigolos..... I stopped reading at the point, thinking that my, this was hilarious! So I am now a gigolo, who's so desperate about not-only money and sex, but also... love?

But wait. As I thought about it deeper, I kind of come to a theory that perhaps it is what relationship is all about: sex, love, and sometimes, money. For Sex, it's quite easy to tell. You can even say that sex is what differentiate a friendship from a relationship. You don't have sex with your friends, because it would get awkward, and we all know that friends, to certain point, long more lasting that a boyfriend. Let's face it: sex is not everything in a relationship, but without it, where would we all head up to?

But the equation needs a variable we then label as Love. Any sex relationship with love? Well, it's just everything else: one night stand, fuck buddy, and even to prostitution. Love is messy, but it also gives us this exclusive contract where the head title is monogamy.

And last, but not the least, money. I am not saying that you should pay for the license to have sex, for love, or anything else. All I am saying, everything needs money, and I believe that includes a relationship. 

So, is that how a relationship is defined? Is it a package of a complete love, sex, and money? If it's so, then are the three things what I am looking for in life?

I mean, free sex outside a relationship? Checked.
Love? It's messy, and I don't think I can afford it right now. I mean, you fall for a guy, then what? The relationship would have no place to go but the closet because there's no way I could bring the guy home and marry him. Is there even a love in a gay relationship if we turn our head every time a hot guy is passing by?
Money? I don't need a guy in a shining armor to provide my own bread. And frankly, I do think that woman out there needs to be more independent, just in case.

But as I thought again, I remembered my ex. Guys I had crush on. And all the ONSs and no-feeling-things I had.
Something is clearly missing. Okay, the zsa zsa zsu might be great, but the butterflies sometimes don't help you going through a relationship. Well, the case with me, I always get to be an emotional slut; you know, the one person who opens up, says things too much and too soon that it just freaks people out. And for a two-gay-men relationship, it's even harder. You can't hold his hand, you can't show any PDA, and you'll have to share your comfortable yet claustrophobic closet with him.

And let's be romantic. The huge shoulder you can rely on? The big chest you can hug? The ears you can whisper good night to? The sleepy face you get to see first thing in the morning? The grand gesture he'd show you like reading a poetry, preparing a candle light dinner? But, with the risk of sounding bitter and cynical, how big is the portion of our heart that actually believes in such thing? And do all those things define a relationship? If, by the end of the day, we have to learn to compromise our dream, our type-of-guy, and our Mr. Right, then what's the point of a relationship? Just how much of our true-self that has to be put on a shelf to stay in a relationship before we really lose ourselves? Where do we draw the line? Are a relationship is just so over-rated these days?

I looked again at my manjam account, thinking to delete it. Fridae. And Facebook account, designed for the PLUs. Then, in my FB wall, there I saw this person I added a long time ago: he posted a picture he claimed to be taken quite a long ago. He was cute. He is still cute, but he's older, and he's alone. And it suddenly hits me.

What if, along this time, it's not about a relationship at all? It's not about how many dates, how many phone-calls in the night, how big his abs is, how many dinners, nor how many movie tickets you with him. What if we're looking for a companionship, someone to be with, for better or for worse, for health and sickness, for rich and poor? That there'll be someone who can still smile at us, nod his head in an understanding way, and take care of us when we're just miserable and sad and dark? That we can finally stop masquerading, shed our outer shell, and take off our mask, to really embrace our true self? Then sex is not really important. Love is not so everything anymore.

It may be about love, sex, and money. But the most important varible in a relationship, to me is merely the companionship. What do you think?

Things That Matter

Although it happened quite a while ago, I must admit that there's this thing that still disturbs me. So I sit down, trying to figure out what it is that I'm looking for in my life.

I am 24. And at this age, some extra-ordinary guys (or girls) have already set up a solid business. Talk about those young entrepreneurs; some may have supports from their parents, but there are not a few that actually starts from the scratch. I myself have to admit, I don't have the bone for that. I don't have the guts, yet, to start anything from the scratch. Hey, the same usual brondong, remember?

So, I turn to those young execs. I have met quite a few. They're not only rich and successful that early, but they're also gorgeous. And despite their tight schedule, they seem to enjoy every seconds of their life. They're happy, they're gorgeous, but there's something different between these young execs and the young entrepreneurs, at least in my point of view: I just desperately want to be them. Silly? You bet.

But, here's my narrow thought: Ever met a guy who you're sure could land on any guys he wants? Ever met a guy who you think owns the world? Ever met a guy who has had everything that at some extent, he just doesn't know what else he should achieve? Yeah, I have. And I am not drowning myself in envy; and it's not that I don't enjoy being myself. I love myself, more than I have ever loved anyone. I just want to be like them..... in the sense that they're like my role-model.

This is not new, I bet, as some of you might have a few role-models. Say someone like Kiyosaki, Gates, or anyone else. You could read it in a blog somewhere. But it's not important. I admit that you have to set your standard as high as possible, and that when the experts have written a book about being rich in young and so on, you have to at least take a peek. In my point of view, well, why try to look someone so far away, someone you could only read the success-story in a book, when you can actually look at someone around you, who's better than you, in anything?

My uncle once told me, it's true that you'd have to set a high standard, but before going there, you'll have to look carefully yourselves: do I have the capability? So I start small. And if by starting small, taking baby steps, is considering as being negative, then I really don't have anything to say but WATCH OUT! I may drown you in negativity so deep that you can never rise again. Kidding. Really.

Everyone has a dream. Perhaps the dream could be summarized into three things: Career, Love, and eventually: happiness. Perhaps that everyone has their way to go to those things. But currently, I have a lot homework to do: my career is so-so and my love-life is screwed up. So, minus two for beginning. Yet surprisingly, I am happy right now. Minus two with a plus one.

I dont know, but suddenly, I don't feel that bad.

Loves You Lately

Inspired by Daniel Powter's song: Loves You Lately.
Best read along with the song. You can download it here.

Two bags. Two minutes of separation. Two excessive words that he didn't say.

So there he was. Sitting in the corner, head down, and thinking about something else. Somewhere else. And perhaps, someone else?
Here I was. Looking at him, feeling the pain inside my chest, and trying so hard to hide my tears.

I still couldn't believe that all the time we've spent together, all the two years we've been living together, could only be summarized into two bags and two minutes of separation. He's not much a buyer, but at least, I expect he'd take more things from this house, which could act as a remembrance when he's away. But, as I gazed around, everything seems to still be around. Everything is still the same, but somehow, they are now more redundant than I could remember. They're all so excessive, because this house is still going to be empty without him around......

Suddenly he turned his head up, and our looks met.
I could recognize his smiling lips, but as I looked deeper into his eyes, I couldn't remember when the last time was that we laughed out so loud that we burst into tears. And I couldn't all the past that we've been going through. Was he happy, at all? Did we really get the great thing? Was it really just the two of us?

Two years of bitter-sweet days. Two shattered-dreams. Two broken-hearts.

He stood up, and said that it looked like the taxi was already outside the door. He lifted up his bags, and walked. It's like he's moving out of time, and my world just stopped.

And the next thing I knew, I hugged him. So tight.
Flashing through all the mistakes I've made, all the tenderness that survived through all our fights, and the butterflies we've had in our stomach.

Then I let him go, as I hoped that he'd find whatever he'd been looking for, along with the three words I didn't bear to say. Loving you lately...

Why don't you like me without making me try?

I wanna talk to you.
(The last time we talked Mr. Smith
you reduced me to tears.
I promise you that wont happen again)

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

(getting angry doesn't solve anything)

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why dont you like me
Why dont you like me
Why dont you like yourself?

Should I bend over?
Should I look older
just to be put on your shelf?
 
Say what you want to satisfy yourself
hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want,
you want

(Humphrey we're leaving)

KACHINGA!!

|Mika - Grace Kelly, from the album Life in Cartoon Motion

Perhaps this song wasn't really new to you. But I am currently going crazy for this song, and when I am crazy about something, I have this urge to write about it, so pardon me - either for being too late to know everything, or for being obsessed. LOL.

Anyway, firstly, I thought that this song was about a boy, or an AJ, who's trying too hard to be liked, that he started to second-guess himself, feel insecure, and in the end- try to be someone he's not. But then he felt angry that he desperately tried to prove that he was actually a lot more than people had thought about him.Perhaps, up to this point, you'd start thinking that the song - and me who's so obsessed about it - was really really anak-baru-gede-banget; plus the very basic fact that I am still considered mentally as a brondong..

Brondong-song and brondong-fan.. what a perfect combination, right? Perhaps you'd start to think that I liked this song because it's like that the song perfectly matches my condition right now.. but you're wrong. Other than the catchy rhythm, the bitchy singer, the perfect falsetto,what I really like about this song was not because all those things above; but more to the process itself. In the end, the singer learnt when the exact time was to let go of his effort and to move on. It's not the same as giving up on someone or something, but to me, it's more like being pragmatic, pratical, and efficient. Because who knows, that we can be better off.

And it was the truth with Mika, the singer.
Let's take a look about the history of the song: according to Mighty Google, it was designed to be a mocking satire of musicians who try to reinvent themselves to be popular, while Mika, the singer himself, claimed that the song was inspired after a bad experience with a record company executive, in which he was told to be more like Craig David. Well, eventually, we all know that Mika gains popularity by being himself. This song itself even reached #1 as its peak position in a few countries, and he did it without imitating anybody, not Grace Kelly, Robbie Williams, George Michael, Elton, and even Freddie Mercury - yes, the Freddy referred in the song - though Mika is said to have a voice almost similar to Freddie.

True, it's sad when people don't even like you without making you try, but when he even doesnt wanna take a chance on us, why bother? He doesnt know what he misses, right, but he doesn't even bother to try to know. So the only thing left to do for us is to walk away. Save ourselves from a failed-attempt; after all, the sea is salty enough, you don't have to throw tons of salt anymore into it.

Quoting Ryan Atwood from the OC, if you're trying to hard, then it's not working. Even if you try, you'll only end up miserable, isn't it? True, you have to fight for someone you love, something you like, because it's never easy, but you also have to know when is the time to let go. Life is also about compromising, and one of the compromising we have to do constantly is the one we do with our heart and our dream.

So now, I am letting go what's not supposed to be mine.
And I am happy that my teeth are actually hurt. LOL. 

Untitled.

Burke...
Burke was, uh...
He took something from me. He took little pieces of me...Little pieces over time, so small.. I didn't notice, you know?
He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted.
One day I was me- Cristina Yang. And then suddenly I was lying for him and, uh, jeopardizing my career and, uh,..agreeing to be married.
And wearing a ring and being a bride... Until I was standing there...in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn't Cristina Yang anymore.
And even then, I would've married him.
I would have.


I lost myself for a long time.
And now...that I'm finally me again...
I can't...


I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke.
I love you.
And that scares the crap out of me because...


When you asked me to ignore Teddy's page, You took a piece of me...And I let you. And...that will never happen... Again.

                                      |Cristina Yang to Owen Hunt, Grey's Anatomy, S06E14

Perhaps, the me I am currently, is still that cynical person who thinks everything in a pessimistic way, solely for he believes that this way, he could really protect himself from being hurt.
Perhaps, the me I am right now, is still a selfish little boy who's trying too hard to make the world seem a more logical place, to make more sense of the life he's living.
Perhaps, the me I am this moment, is still that silly young man who's so naively questioning about happiness and what it has to do with love.
Perhaps, the me I am today, is still that one AJ who's desperately trying to personify LOVE, to define LOVE..


But...

Hopefully, there'd be a day, when he really knows that PAIN and HURT are just the process of living a wonderful life.. that PAIN and HURT and TEARS, perhaps, would help him grow wiser and stronger..

Hopefully, there'd come a moment, when he finally sees the world as it is, without judging, without frowning, but only with one big SMILE..

Hopefully, there may be a time in his life, that he finally could share happiness with people he loves that much... and at the time, hopefully also, he knows by his heart that love, as happiness, comes in so many forms... that all he needs to do is... to count his blessing.

Hopefully, there'd be a life ahead, when he could feel what Cristina Yang had been feeling, experiencing.......A love so scary, so over-whelming.. yet there, real, and he just can't live with it. Because love, is to celebrate.