Everything lies in silence..

It was like waking up in a cold dark room. All you can see is in white, black, or gray. You gasp, you try to take a real deep breath. Yet somehow, the air is not there. The oxygen is missing. And when you look around, you see him. Him, standing over there, watching you. No smile, no same familiar look. No warmth, no anything.

But this time, you dont feel the pain. You dont feel the fear. You feel nothing. Because your system recognize this all. You know this. This is familiar, as years ago, it has happened. You just can't believe that everything's just coming back to you. So you stop looking around. You throw your gaze to him.

Everything is just.. a mere silence.
It doesnt take you long that you finally realize. There's a missing piece. A missing piece that makes your puzzle can't be solved. A missing piece that takes your happiness away. A missing piece that reminds you maybe your journey hasnt reached the happily-ever-after. That perhaps, you have to keep going.

You thought this time would be different. You thought there cant be anything wrong. But time tells you that you're wrong. Time proves anything to you, even those that you choose not to believe.

So the only thing left to do is to choose. To let go, or to stay silent. Silent, until something happens. Anything....



I choose to stay silent.

All About Insecurity

My boyfriend (there, I used the word again. Still feeling kinda strange, though) was on an outbound training for the past three days. He returned yesterday, and I was glad that I texted him the day before, asking his availability. Guess what, I am not miserable at all. I am looking forward to seeing him again very soon, and playing some dirty tricks.

So everything was fine. Or, I thought fine. Usually, when everything's so damned smooth, I start bitching around about anything. And, unfortunately, that happens too, now.

Everything begins as it was my birthday today. He called me this morning, saying happy birthday to me, and then all his sweet wishes on me, and some on us. Then he asked me if I want any present. I told him that I didn't want any present. He was okay at first, then soon, he texted me again, saying he was at some kind of plaza, and he's looking forward to buy me something. That's sweet. Thoughtful. But is that necessary? I gave up, and practically told me what I currently plan on buying. I didnt know if he ended up buying the thing, but I certainly hope that he didnt.

And this little thing has made me thing. I dont wanna find any excuse, which is so lame. But it's just that giving gift is not a habit in my family. My mom has never given any presents at my birthdays, because there's never been any birthday party at home. We never celebrate. It's just the same ordinary day, from year to year. My parents didnt even give me any presents for any academical achievements I have accomplished. Never. I grow up thinking that having had my parents is already a gift, being born to the world is already a blessing, and my academic achievements were all something proper, not extraordinary. By saying proper, I mean that I should have accomplished those, because my parents are giving their best to put me in school. So, no gift. At all.

The point is, I dont really understand how a gift or a present could be tied to showing that you care for somebody. It certainly proves that you're sweet, you're thoughtful, but does it prove it anything else? Does it serve as measurement of anything?

Oh yes, I know I have been a bitch. I didnt tell him all this. I know that I have made this becoming much more complicated than it already is. Which is, at the end of the day, I know I have something to work out here in my department. I wanna love him in a better way. :-)