I'll Wait

We all need somebody to hold on to. Somebody to share our life with. Somebody to love. Somebody to miss. Somebody to cheer us up.

That warm hand to hold. That shoulder to cry on. That chest to rely on..


So that we won't be alone in our journey. So that there would always be a sun shining even when it's cold outside. So that there would be a moon even the night sky is dark and scary.

So that we know, we're really there, alive and lively, even when we're at our worst.
So that there would always be a smile to get rid of our tiredness.

So that the pain, won't be that painful. Because we want to be stronger for our someone. Our love...





I'll wait for that day. And when it comes, I will pay all the loss when we haven't met. I will catch up with you.
I'll wait. :-)

Yin Ye 3 + 1 (My Best Pals)

Yin Ye 3 + 1 (read: Yin Ye san jia yi), also known as My Best Pals, is a taiwanese drama with genre of romantic-comedy. The setting is in a high-school, namely Yin Ye (if i am not mistaken, kinda forget). This series of 16 episodes aired at July 2007 to November 2007, kinda a year ago. I have watched it like a year ago, yet I have only managed to write about it now. Why? Because recently while I was browsing youtube for Ming Dao (ehm), I found the MV Zai Ci Xiang Xin (To believe Again), and I was like, 'isnt this the OST for the fab Yin Ye 3+1?'.

The storyline is somewhat cliche and very standard. There was this 4 childhood friends, Jia Jiang (AJ- Matthew Ming Dao), Fang Wei (FW-Jerry Huang), and Bulu (Jason Hsu) - the three guys - and a girl named Xia Tian (XT -Qiao En of 7flowers). So, 3 + 1 in the title means 3 guys and a girl.

AJ and XT is plotted to start developing feelings for each other. AJ kept denying this, here and there, for some silly reason (very typical!). Yet I recall that one of most touching moment of the series (for me), it was that when XT asked AJ's help (for what, I forgot). AJ was not willing at first, yet FW and Bulu kept pushing him to, so he finally agreed but with one condition: XT had to fight with him (he said it was like in their childhood) and the winner took all. They had already set the battlefield (a few chairs being piled together) when XT finally said, 'At moment like this, I really hope that my knight in shining armor would come and beat you in the ass..'.

XT ran away and cried. AJ, shocked, then decided to chase over her. He found her then, weeping, but felt that it was not the right time to approach. Soon, it was raining and AJ silently accompanied XT till she got home...

There was also this time, when XT was slapped (I forgot who did, but it was one of the students' father). AJ got emotional, and yelled at the furious father, saying 'His father even never slapped her! You dont have the right to slap her!'. XT was also the one who stood between FW and AJ when the two fought; XT even took FW's punch to protect AJ. Knowing how there would be someone protecting and supporting us, isn't that nice?

FW who had always liked XT then became the love rival of AJ. Yet, it was obvious who chose whom at the end of the drama. The question how and what happened, however, still remained for the viewers to find out. Personally, I favored FW more than I favored AJ. AJ was somewhat very romantic, but sometimes he could be very childish. Don't get me wrong, but I need to tell you that the first reason why I watched this series was because of Ming Dao. Then I saw this Jerry Huang, and I thought I fell in love (lol).

Here are the pictures of both. For your eyes only (lol)!

Brothers and Sisters

I don’t come from a big family. I have only one older brother, who, apparently can be both very caring and mean at the same time. Growing up with him, despite the fun times we had, makes me feel like I have never done enough to please him – and myself, in the case. I am suspicious that he might know about me being aj; even though he has never said it bluntly. Whatever is in his mind, I don’t really care, and I don’t wanna second-guessing him. Despite of our distance – 2 hours flight plus 3 hours driving – we don’t do the telephone call often; only some text messages here and there. So, I don’t get to share my problems – and he doesn’t share his – even when I am at the worst.

Thus, watching this series, Brothers and Sisters, give me this kind of mixed feeling – lonely, jealousy, sad, happy. Watching the family endlessly shows the love, fights over some matters, or fails to keep secrets, it’s just everything I didn’t have. From Sarah being a divorcee to Justin being a drug addict, they just implies that your family is the one who’s never gonna stop supporting you. They’re strong enough for you to rely on when you’re at the weakest. They do feel disappointed for your failures, but they still give you hope you need. You’re…just alive.

I enjoy my youth, so I can’t whine about my mother being so old-fashioned, nor my brother being so stubborn (did I just do that?), because I know I love them. But I don’t know if they love me enough to accept me being an aj. I…doubt it. Or maybe I just don’t have the guts. Or maybe I know, they will never understand it. My mom needs me being this perfect son. Her perfect son. And at time like this, I just wish I were Kevin. Pathetic? Shameful? Ridiculous? Unnecessary? Call me whatever you want.

Then suddenly I understand. I understand now, better, why I always feel lonely. Despite the crowd, friends, family. All the gloomy things seem to be ours. You can live a festive life; you can bitch around and think you’re lucky and pretty; whatever you do, but admit it: we are the loneliest people in the world. We are men, who cant even be faithful to ourselves… Hiding in our dark-narrow-yet lovely closet, we wear this mask everyday. I am not saying that being straight is much better, yet at least, it’s much easier in some way. Or is it just the place and the culture? I don’t know. I am too tired to learn to know.

Melancholy Me..

Maybe, I listen to too many sad-love-song that they finally starts poisoning me. I am poisoned. I am in deep blue. I am in melancholy. Ah, I hate me being this. I hate this sentimental feeling.

Maybe, I drink too much coffee. The caffeine is making me neurotic and insomniac. I can't sleep, thanks to the phobia I am feeling every time I close my eyes. The loneliness can be very haunting, and I am just too scared.

Maybe, I watch too many sad-movies. The tragedy within just gives me this silly hope and dream about the wonderland; that true love exists. That there is this Mr. Perfect for me, meant to be mine, and there is then this happily-ever-after. I am addicted. Every time the bitter reality hits, it is just like you're being splashed with cold-icy water: it is plainly cold and painful.

Maybe, I read too many romantic-books. The beautiful story inside is, indeed, very cliche, yet it never fails touching my heart. Turn me to a drama-queen for some moment. And it hurts. It still hurts.

Maybe, at the end of the day, I just don't know how.... to be a gay man.

Kiss

What is it in my kiss,

that could mend your broken heart?

what is it in my kiss,

that could lighten up your day?