The Happiness is Simple

 

fragile cotton candy 

pink white turquoise 

your eyes had their smiles

 

 

 

The Unsent Letter

Hi, how are you? It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you're fine - no, I know you're fine because I pray for you silently, every night, before I go to bed. Part of it is wishing you're here with me, hugging me so tight and all the silly things you used to do with me..But most of it is just to wish you a very happy and healthy life ahead. There's no reason that you shouldn't be happy and whole and contended. 

Hey, I am fine too. I am trying so hard not to be sad every day, I am trying to be a more cheerful. Don't get all work up, I am really fine. It's just that, there are times when I need you to be my friend, someone I can talk to whenever I have a love matter. I need you to tell me that this guy and that guy can't be relied on and that I shouldn't be so stupid at the first time. Because you know me the best. You know me better than I do - which is why you did what you did at the time.... 

Gee, I keep finding myself trying to make a smile as I write this. You know, this year, I have learnt a lot of things - although it doesn't directly mean that I already master it well, but you know, stuff like growing up into a more mature person - they're supposed to be a never-ending lesson, right? Now I have come to the term that perhaps you don't want to be my friend anymore - perhaps it's too hurtful to think about all those things that happened and didn't happen in the past - or whatever we could have but we didn't. I get that. Long as you're happy, and whole, like I mentioned in the first lines, then I am happy. I have to be happy. 

Speaking of happiness, hey it's your birthday again. I found myself playing the same music you liked - I didn't know if you still liked them - then summoning up all my strength to cheer up a little bit. I remembered the first time we celebrated my birthday - and your birthday - together. I'd carry them as I progress along with my life. 

Happy birthday, my dear eternal spring. Happy belated birthday. I wish you to have a really happy life ahead, perhaps a nice family to come home to, and that you'd never be lacking of anything. 


hugs,
ed........

Life is Not so Scary

i'd like to think, 

every once in a while,

that by the edge of this abyss

there's you:

arms wide open.

The Trial Ends Here

 

there's always someone somewhere 

hotter, younger, prettier, smarter, nicer, 

and so on. 

but there's no saying if they are better. 

so stop comparing.

Whisper

 

sound of the reed

waving past

silence..

Faraway

 

"Will we ever lose contact?" I asked him, upon listening to him talking about his ex. 

"When one of us dies, we will for sure..," he said, "but that's not what you're asking." 

I could feel a pause before he continued, "I have no answer to your question. Do you?"

"I don't either, but that's the beauty of life, isnt it?" I smiled, trying to grasp this new feeling: that someone could at the same time feel both so helpless but also hopeful.. 

"I could tell you one thing for sure, though. I hope that we can meet really soon." 

.

.

.

"Moi aussie." 

No Matter What

time and distance,

like love,

perhaps are just the best features in life - 

they let us treasure each other

despite everything else.

-upon corresponding with him-

Rain..it's raining!

happiness, perhaps,

is only one umbrella away

on one rainy day,

I shelter in your hug,

and you place your heart in mine.

The Simplicity

I could feel the breeze from you

sweeping away all my worries. . .

The Parting

 

 

you built yourself from the rain.

I built myself from the clouds.

The Question Mark

you want society to accept you but you can't even accept yourself - Erik Lensherr 

But the best way to accept oneself..is to come out?

Journey

 

 

the distance between you

and happiness, 

you know,

is only

one heart away.

The Closeted Life

 

there's the past. 

there's the future.

there's the now. 

where should I 

put you?

The One in A Million

"Pick me. Choose me. Love me," she said with teary eyes.

There he just stood still, as he knew that he was as hopeless too. *

But to me, you're not an option.. 

*from the famous scene of Grey's Anatomy

The Dialogue

"Just someday, I'll bring the world. For you."

"The world? What for?"

"To make you happy. You don't want it?"

But you are already my world... 






*pic courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/rkottonau/

The Warmth

from between the spaces of your hand

the sun was shining

and you hugged me so bright 

The Lonely Guy in the Room..

 

my empty cup of tea,

the moon was so far and bright tonight.

and I

remembered of you.

The Song I Can't Sing

 

 

It was one simple song. 

Time after time, baby I tried to forget about our life together
But the memories are so... so hard to let go
Tomorrow the time will be the same as today
Trying to hold back the tears when thinking of you
All I want is to be with you once more...

But then I remembered of you..... 

 

You will always be inside my heart
And you should know
That I wish that I could never let you go
I know that I love you
Now and forever see the one
And for now, I'll still be singing this love song
For... somebody like you
My First Love...

song taken from Boyz II Men's First Love (english version of Utada Hikaru's First Love) 

ps. I can't really sing, which is why I get touched easily by a guy who can sing. :)

The Past

I was the guy in your hug,

wondering about our future. 

Then I am the guy, 

watching those old photographs,

trying to pick up the remaining pieces

of the past.

.. 

*picture courtesy of Mentaiko-Sensei..

The Man Outside the Rain

Rain. It's raining.

And I remember you,

in the way that makes my heart burn. 

The way that makes me want to crawl inside a warm blanket, 

and never have to face the world again, 

for it's too blurry without you. 

Rain, it's raining. 

And I have always loved it,

in the way that my heart foolishly clings to you,

to the past, to those memories. 

Rain, it's raining. 

And I know,

I will be better.

The Letters I Wrote to Myself

 

 

Here's how I preserve you in my mind: 

w o r d s.

Hey YOU

They said, one of the most important thing a human being could give to his kind is the chance to say something. The chance to share something. That's why I came to you. That's why I came to you to talk about me. But then, you weren't even listening. Perhaps I was not worth it. Perhaps I have never been, this whole time, at all. Perhaps I said too much. Perhaps I was not so important at all. Perhaps I am nobody. Perhaps all of that.

But I can't be like keep wondering whether it's too much, it's not important, too meaningless and so on, whenever I need to talk to you about something. After all, a chance to say something sad is not too much to ask, is it?

Do you remember things you shared about your then-ex-boyfriend? I seriously worried about you and him. I seriously tried to solve the things, to give some inputs to you - though finally you had to break-up with him. Do you know how I felt about it? Do you remember that you told me once that you didn't know how to make friends with PLU? And so many many other things, but I have never once used it against you. Then the way you told me that it's not your fault, that it's on my own, that it's my problem and mine only. Let's not point finger. I didn't blame you. But I have never been so alone upon reading what you had to say, both times. And the way you used 'you push people away, Ed' on me and suddenly everything is my own problem and you can't help me with it?

No, I am not trying to be calculative. I dont expect you to do the same to me.  But I do have rights to draw the line. I have the rights to say 'this is it, I have had enough'. So this is it.


Do you remember that you said I'd find myself more this year? Perhaps you're right, and I have you to thank for that. Whatever my value to you is, I don't care anymore. I wont give a crap about what you say, what you think no more. What for? Sometimes, you just have to be smart enough to walk away...

You. .

 

It only takes one word from you,

to make me drop all the things here, all the life I have here, 

to be with you. 

So perhaps, the silence is also a way of you telling me to take care of myself,

just myself. .

Reality Bites.

 

 

Why didn't I find you,

inside his hug? 

[Personal Note] The Second Life

Lately, between spending some times to blog and to browse some gay social network, I've also been trying to tweet. For me, there's no difference between the two, except that with twitter it's easier to post some random doodles instantly, instead of having to log in to the blogger via the web before posting something. 

It was then that I also found that it is not easy (it is not difficult.. it's just not easy.. if you know what I mean) to lead a double life: A gay in the closet and a discreet guy out in the jungle. The discreet guy I'm trying to be also has twitter account already - even two, I might add. So it's a little difficult for me to manage between the three accounts - well, I might as well merge the three altogether, but stupid or not, useless or not, believe it or not, each of the twitter accounts serve a purpose for me.


I see that at this point, I might hit you as someone who's spending too much time to stay in the closet - while some might say it's already obvious - that it's almost childish and pointless.. While it is true to some extent, I also believe in our crowded gay world, there's this policy called 'don't ask-don't tell'. You don't ask someone whether he's gay or not, and you especially don't announce it to the whole world once you know the guy is gay. 


But, to think again, I am not the 'it'-person. I am just a regular next-door type who's not even handsome nor charming. You can personally ask a few blogger friends (whose blogs I already linked at my page). Their first impressions to me was that I am indeed NOT THAT handsome - I dont know, but somehow the thought that judging from my writings, I must be pretty hot. I guess that is a sign I need to be more personal rather than cryptic. *grin* And to start this, here's my gay-guy's twitter link, no pic yet, only less than 100 tweets currently, but mention me if you want to be foll-back. :) 


So, in parallel to one of my not-written-2011 resolutions, I want to stay more positive this year. More positive in the way that I am going to accept myself more, stop feeling insecure, stop wasting time chasing some guys who're not even interested, and -the hardest one- to not stay melancholic all the time. Hard, because I am a mellow guy to begin with. 


Last year I got into this big fall-out with three guys (hey, you know who you are), but then I managed to apologize to all of them. Although things can't never be the way it was, at least I know we're still friends. Of the three, I still regularly keep in touch with one (I have two of 3 twitter accounts following him); mostly because he's kind of hot and has unbelievably huge fans - well, to think about it again, I started to act out when we fought partly because I was so insecure chatting with him. :D Stupid, eh?


Anyway, there's one conflict from this year to manage. I am still mad at him, for some stupid reasons, but perhaps one day. One thing at a time. :) 


Wish me luck! 

The Life Ahead

We were the twilight, the light that ended too fast too soon. 
Then it takes me the whole life time just to try to forget... 

The Someone From the Past

 

I have never known that the leaves, 

the sky, 

the moth, 

the days, 

the nights, 

the rains,

could be so beautiful.. 

but then I met you.

The Feeling

 

feels like a dejavu 

or is it just a fragile unforgettable past? 

 

feels like a painful sorrow 

or is it just a sweet memory lies beneath heaven of you? 

 

feels like a melodious symphony 

or is it just an unfinished song you can no longer sing?

 

-12 Aug 2007- 

*trying to rejuvenate what it's like being the old me: so hopeful, so naive, so childish, so fearless..

The Mirror

And in the end,

loving you just makes me, 

me..

Everything About You

I like the way I can hear your heart-beat when I lay on your chest,

the way I can feel muscle when you hug me tight,

or the way I can smell your minty breathe when you're just this close to kiss me.. 

I like the way your eyes shine when you're looking at me,

the way your lips smile when you're listening to me,

or the way you turn away shyly when you told me you love me... 

So please understand that it's not just you,

or some little stupid and lousy things.

It's, everything about you. 

I Wanna Grow Old With You

See through the fight, the tears, the pain, the fear,

the time, the happiness, the sadness, the longing,

and everything else,

I wanna be true to you.. 

With You. . .

 

What is the future made of?

The sum of all fears, tears? Happiness, smiles? 

 

When does it start?

The day when you laid your eyes on me? The day when our smiles met? 

And that to be with you in my future,

what does it take?

The Last Kiss

''It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth T-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. You had just washed your hair, and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late for surgery, and you said you were going to see me later. Then you leaned to me, and you put your hand to my chest, and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick, kind of like a habit. Like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper, and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed.'' - Derek Shepherd to Meredith Grey

I woke up one morning,

and I realised that I didn't remember our last kiss. 

Was it avocado,my favorite fruit?

Was it tobacco, your favorite smell?

Was it rain, like so many farewells?

The Stranger in Us

There are a thousand different ways for you to choose to make it up. 

But in the end you just said that it's me who pushed you away. 

So let me tell you this: I might be stubborn and arrogant brat who knows nothing,

who has his own countless faults,

who probably don't get to make it all about me once in a while,

but I didn't push you away.  

I know it's not easy being with me.

I know you're not the walking wikipedia who knows it all.

Yet the fact that you don't know me at all,

have me question about everything that we've been through: where were you the whole time? 

The Fairy-Tale

There's a happiness, hiding behind every tears you drop, waiting to come true.

All you need to do, 

is have some faith...  

The End

 

The vocalist was begging his someone not to let him drown, not let him down. 

He did that repeatedly, because that's the only way he knew he could go on living,

for there's no way to get that someone out of his lonely mind. 

That perhaps he's already walked down the path to the very end and he's stuck and he's got nowhere else to go. 

He's suffering.

I am too, for in a way or two,his song sang to me.

About how I am feeling about you.  .

*Song was taken from Secondhand Serenade's END..

The Thorn in Every Roses

For every minutes you spend with me,

I could be the 10,000 reasons for you to hate me,

to not love me, to walk away,

to give up on me, to not care. 

For every seconds that I want to spend with you,

there's nothing else I want

but for you to stay true,

despite the thorn and the pain and the questions..  

The Sky and the Earth in You

 

 

Do you know that the sky has your smile?

Or that the sun in the morning is only perfect upon shining on your face?

 

Do you know that the earth has your warmth?

Or that the shelter in your chest is just the only place I rest all my dreams?

 

Do you know... ?

The Tears

 

Even the wave was shouting out your name... 

I cried my eyes dry for you, 

but do you 

even bother

to listen?