It's New Year, again

For some reasons, I hate holidays. I hate festivals. I hate them even more when I'm single -and desperately available. Because it would then remind me of my being single, and thus, my being desperate. I hate that there's like this 'must' in the thin air, telling people that they should celebrate - with friends, with beloved ones, and so on. Don't get me wrong, I'm a celebratory-person, but to me, it's not a mandatory. To the top of it, I always manage to see the dark side of everything. 

I am not exaggerating.

It's new year night, as I'm writing this. Two hours more to go before the merry count-down, and yet there's already firework-sound everywhere. It's okay to celebrate. I feel the joy too. People are happy, and they deserve it. Come on, life is already hard and difficult, so people need all the joy and celebration they can have. But for me.... New Year reminds me of something else: I'm getting older. I haven't achieved anything. I made resolution of which I couldn't fulfill, so I'm pretty much a big failure. I am single, and as I'm getting older, I won't be that attractive anymore. I'm aging. I'm alone, although I'm not lonely, but still: there's nothing much I can be proud of.

Wait.. is it true, or is it just me, who wants more and more and thus, can't ever be satisfied?

People want more and more. We're taught that way: you're born, and your parents told you to go to school. You finish your kindergarten years, then suddenly you're moving to elementary school. You graduate, and then you reach your junior years, your senior high, and the next is you're in this university. You graduate eventually, and you move on looking for a job, and maybe get married. Have kids. And still, you want more. It's the same circle-of-life for almost everyone. Does that make us humanly-human, to want and crave for more?

Is it just the time to count my own blessing; to see what others don't have and to be grateful for the whole past year?

Is it just the time to still try making a resolution, to help us keeping in track? 

So, nevertheless, here's my original resolution:

I want to be a more grown-up person. I want to use my sensitive-side on a better perspective. I want to learn to try to not make everything about myself. I want to be more understanding. I want to be better. Better.

I want to have a better body-shape. I want to go to gym more regularly. I want to swim more regularly. I want to try to see life in a more optimist perspective. I want to be more cheerful. I want to be more carefree.

I want to be happy. ..

But as I'm writing this, despite of a series of wanting this and that, perhaps I should try to list what I don't wanna be:

I don't wanna be fat and ugly.

I don't wanna be bitter and twisted.

I don't wanna be anymore childish.

I don't wanna be a loser.

Well, I'm still thinking about so many dont-wanna-be. Perhaps you can help? :-)

Happy new year, all.

May happiness is truly yours.

The Source of Happiness

How do you define happiness? Being happy? 

Is it the time when you smile idiotically, when you get what you want, when you're with someone you love, or when you know everything in your life..is just fine? When you wake up to somebody you wanna be with, when you kiss good night the person you're just making love with, or when you see your kids are growing up so amazingly?


Is it in the time when life makes you hold your breathe for a while, takes your breath away for a moment, and you just feel the warmth in your chest, so warm that perhaps you wanna cry? 


Really, what is happiness? Is it external? Is it internal? Is it defined by things you can buy, or what your money can't bring? Is it defined by the guy who stands so true besides you? Is it defined by his act; for example watching a NEW MOON movie at cinema, while wearing his earphone, literally, just because you have asked him to accompany you to? Is it defined by the feeling you feel inside you when the lust has just been transformed into some sticky fluid? Is it in the moment you capture with your camera, and then you see it over and over again? 


For me, love is not happiness. Love doesn't bring you (only) happiness. Let alone marriage. So the guy with whom you share your life with? It's just a partnership, a relationship where the two of you make a pact of commitment. Things you buy? It's just luxury, and it gives you convenience. Moment so good in front of you? It's achievement. It's your blessing. 


But they're all, not happiness. They're just not. Happiness is internal. Happiness is more like, an intimate session with yourself. Happiness is like you sweating over a sport; you can't have others sweat for you. It's like the urge to pee, and you have to do it yourself, because you can't transfer it to yourself. It's like the pain. You can't share your pain with somebody else. He might be a shoulder to cry on for you; but he's never you. He might say he'd understand, but he's never you. Happiness can't be transferred. It's contagious, only because we're taught to rejoice in other's happiness. We feel happy because he's happy. But we're not sharing the same happiness... 


Pathetic? Miserable? Hopeless? No. 
All I am saying, happiness is also a choice. We can choose to be happy. Because it's all up to us. It's personal, it's intimate, and at least, we're being sincere to ourselves. Now, why don't we welcome the source of happiness within us?

Getting an Edward

I am not a fan. Really. And by all means. I don't even read the novel. My first encounter with the first book made me Ooey-gooey in a away that made me almost vomit. I didn't, thankfully, because I knew the right moment to let go of the book.

It all happened in one night: a bunch of friends bought the ticket already, and suddenly one of them couldn't make it. So they asked me, helplessly, more because they knew I was a helpful person. I agreed to go, and I really thought the movie was over-rated. So typical, so chick-lit. Yet, amazingly, all the girls in the world were crazy about the guy.

The guy was not even that cute. Not my type, at least *but I'd give a second thought if he came on me, LOL*.

It didn't take much time to conclude: A guy, very handsome in a beautiful way and outstanding, in a loner way. Smart, that he could do almost anything, yet foolish enough to do stupid things for you. Strong, that he could make you feel safe in his arms, yet so fragile that he couldn't live without you. Special, in a way that he could read thoughts, but also helpless before you, for he couldn't read you. And you're just this ordinary girl. Nothing's special with you, yet he chose you. Yet he couldn't live without you. Yet he chose to die if living meant a life without you. So romantic, that he even composed a song for you, yet creepy in a way that he wanted your blood, your life, but could somehow manage it because he loved you too much.

So, it's more like a package. You buy a thing, and after you un-wrap, you know you buy a complete set, making you so crazy in love, losing yourself, and can't seek for anyone anymore. It's like saying that you can find your prince charming, even though you're this ordinary girl with nothing special.

Girls want an Edward. PLU perhaps want an Edward.

But mostly, people forget that to get an Edward, they have to be an Edward.

They perhaps forget that Bella was actually that good, that she deserved her Edward. She's willing to let go anything she's known for years: her life, her parents, her everything. Are we that type of person? Or are we just a person who'd wait for someone like Edward, and then to give everything like Bella did? Or are we hiding in a theory that there's no such thing in this world, thus it's no use to give out everything cause it's merely stupid?

I believe in fairy-tale. But I do think that Twilight is too much.

So no, I am not in a queue to get Robert's autograph. A strip club perhaps is better.