Loves You Lately

Inspired by Daniel Powter's song: Loves You Lately.
Best read along with the song. You can download it here.

Two bags. Two minutes of separation. Two excessive words that he didn't say.

So there he was. Sitting in the corner, head down, and thinking about something else. Somewhere else. And perhaps, someone else?
Here I was. Looking at him, feeling the pain inside my chest, and trying so hard to hide my tears.

I still couldn't believe that all the time we've spent together, all the two years we've been living together, could only be summarized into two bags and two minutes of separation. He's not much a buyer, but at least, I expect he'd take more things from this house, which could act as a remembrance when he's away. But, as I gazed around, everything seems to still be around. Everything is still the same, but somehow, they are now more redundant than I could remember. They're all so excessive, because this house is still going to be empty without him around......

Suddenly he turned his head up, and our looks met.
I could recognize his smiling lips, but as I looked deeper into his eyes, I couldn't remember when the last time was that we laughed out so loud that we burst into tears. And I couldn't all the past that we've been going through. Was he happy, at all? Did we really get the great thing? Was it really just the two of us?

Two years of bitter-sweet days. Two shattered-dreams. Two broken-hearts.

He stood up, and said that it looked like the taxi was already outside the door. He lifted up his bags, and walked. It's like he's moving out of time, and my world just stopped.

And the next thing I knew, I hugged him. So tight.
Flashing through all the mistakes I've made, all the tenderness that survived through all our fights, and the butterflies we've had in our stomach.

Then I let him go, as I hoped that he'd find whatever he'd been looking for, along with the three words I didn't bear to say. Loving you lately...

Why don't you like me without making me try?

I wanna talk to you.
(The last time we talked Mr. Smith
you reduced me to tears.
I promise you that wont happen again)

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
mmm mmm
But all her looks were too sad
ahh ahh
So I tried a little Freddie
MMM MMM
I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

(getting angry doesn't solve anything)

How can I help it
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on the brink

Why dont you like me
Why dont you like me
Why dont you like yourself?

Should I bend over?
Should I look older
just to be put on your shelf?
 
Say what you want to satisfy yourself
hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want,
you want

(Humphrey we're leaving)

KACHINGA!!

|Mika - Grace Kelly, from the album Life in Cartoon Motion

Perhaps this song wasn't really new to you. But I am currently going crazy for this song, and when I am crazy about something, I have this urge to write about it, so pardon me - either for being too late to know everything, or for being obsessed. LOL.

Anyway, firstly, I thought that this song was about a boy, or an AJ, who's trying too hard to be liked, that he started to second-guess himself, feel insecure, and in the end- try to be someone he's not. But then he felt angry that he desperately tried to prove that he was actually a lot more than people had thought about him.Perhaps, up to this point, you'd start thinking that the song - and me who's so obsessed about it - was really really anak-baru-gede-banget; plus the very basic fact that I am still considered mentally as a brondong..

Brondong-song and brondong-fan.. what a perfect combination, right? Perhaps you'd start to think that I liked this song because it's like that the song perfectly matches my condition right now.. but you're wrong. Other than the catchy rhythm, the bitchy singer, the perfect falsetto,what I really like about this song was not because all those things above; but more to the process itself. In the end, the singer learnt when the exact time was to let go of his effort and to move on. It's not the same as giving up on someone or something, but to me, it's more like being pragmatic, pratical, and efficient. Because who knows, that we can be better off.

And it was the truth with Mika, the singer.
Let's take a look about the history of the song: according to Mighty Google, it was designed to be a mocking satire of musicians who try to reinvent themselves to be popular, while Mika, the singer himself, claimed that the song was inspired after a bad experience with a record company executive, in which he was told to be more like Craig David. Well, eventually, we all know that Mika gains popularity by being himself. This song itself even reached #1 as its peak position in a few countries, and he did it without imitating anybody, not Grace Kelly, Robbie Williams, George Michael, Elton, and even Freddie Mercury - yes, the Freddy referred in the song - though Mika is said to have a voice almost similar to Freddie.

True, it's sad when people don't even like you without making you try, but when he even doesnt wanna take a chance on us, why bother? He doesnt know what he misses, right, but he doesn't even bother to try to know. So the only thing left to do for us is to walk away. Save ourselves from a failed-attempt; after all, the sea is salty enough, you don't have to throw tons of salt anymore into it.

Quoting Ryan Atwood from the OC, if you're trying to hard, then it's not working. Even if you try, you'll only end up miserable, isn't it? True, you have to fight for someone you love, something you like, because it's never easy, but you also have to know when is the time to let go. Life is also about compromising, and one of the compromising we have to do constantly is the one we do with our heart and our dream.

So now, I am letting go what's not supposed to be mine.
And I am happy that my teeth are actually hurt. LOL. 

Untitled.

Burke...
Burke was, uh...
He took something from me. He took little pieces of me...Little pieces over time, so small.. I didn't notice, you know?
He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted.
One day I was me- Cristina Yang. And then suddenly I was lying for him and, uh, jeopardizing my career and, uh,..agreeing to be married.
And wearing a ring and being a bride... Until I was standing there...in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn't Cristina Yang anymore.
And even then, I would've married him.
I would have.


I lost myself for a long time.
And now...that I'm finally me again...
I can't...


I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke.
I love you.
And that scares the crap out of me because...


When you asked me to ignore Teddy's page, You took a piece of me...And I let you. And...that will never happen... Again.

                                      |Cristina Yang to Owen Hunt, Grey's Anatomy, S06E14

Perhaps, the me I am currently, is still that cynical person who thinks everything in a pessimistic way, solely for he believes that this way, he could really protect himself from being hurt.
Perhaps, the me I am right now, is still a selfish little boy who's trying too hard to make the world seem a more logical place, to make more sense of the life he's living.
Perhaps, the me I am this moment, is still that silly young man who's so naively questioning about happiness and what it has to do with love.
Perhaps, the me I am today, is still that one AJ who's desperately trying to personify LOVE, to define LOVE..


But...

Hopefully, there'd be a day, when he really knows that PAIN and HURT are just the process of living a wonderful life.. that PAIN and HURT and TEARS, perhaps, would help him grow wiser and stronger..

Hopefully, there'd come a moment, when he finally sees the world as it is, without judging, without frowning, but only with one big SMILE..

Hopefully, there may be a time in his life, that he finally could share happiness with people he loves that much... and at the time, hopefully also, he knows by his heart that love, as happiness, comes in so many forms... that all he needs to do is... to count his blessing.

Hopefully, there'd be a life ahead, when he could feel what Cristina Yang had been feeling, experiencing.......A love so scary, so over-whelming.. yet there, real, and he just can't live with it. Because love, is to celebrate.