The Sleeping Beauty

I had no idea what an insomniac night was like,

until the day you left and 

had me wondering with thousand of questions inside my head.

I had no idea what a cold heartless night was like,

until the day you packed and

took along the warmth inside your hug. 

 

The Wet like The Tears But Never Warm

You've come and gone like a rhythm of the rain.

You've spoken and silenced like the rhyme in the rhythm. 

I've celebrated you in the dances and the songs.

the tap, the hum, the clap. 

I've tried to catch you within my two palms.

I have wanted you to stay and say. 

But eventually, you're just the rain. 

The Love Does Stay

 

 

I am not in a hurry. You shouldn't be too.

Let's take every step by every step. 

Do you know that every big move is started with a small baby step?

So I'd just be patient, and careful. 

I've spent my 25 years without you, so I won't mind waiting a little longer.

Love doesn't grow just in a day, a night. It needs time. 

I need time. We, need time.

 

Why don't we walk together, hand in hand? 

Hopefully, the road will be a little more cheerful, a little less lonely. 

Sooner or later, we'd reach the destination. 

What say you? 

You know, I'm smiling, thinking about the endless possibilities with you. 

I'm scared, but I am learning to be brave. Brave enough to trust my heart in your hand, that you will treat it carefully that you won't break it. 

I'm smiling, to the fact that you bring me happiness by just small acts. 

So, let's take time. Let's enjoy everything like we have endless tomorrow. 

See you tomorrow. :)

The Broken Window

 

 

I am done with you.

I am through. I have carried around this hatred, this pain, this regret with me for so long. 

I don't wanna be like this. You're just the biggest mistake I have ever made. You're not worth any single of my emotion. You're not worth even my goodbye. 

So, this is it. 

You're non-existing to me from this moment on.

Talk to you never,

Ed.

The Umbrella Doesn't Shelter Your Heart

 

You know, the rain has finally stopped. The sky above us is finally clear again. The smell of the soil; ugh, I just want to bottle it and put it beside my window, so whenever the wind passes by, I can remember again what the sweet longing tastes like. 

Yes, the rain has finally stopped. It's time to close the umbrella, to celebrate the puddle in your yard, and to take a really depth breath. It might not always be a rainbow waiting, still it promises some kind of freedom. 

 

So I believe that there will also be a day, when the rain in my heart will also stop.. 

The End of an Era

Am I such a big fragile coward if I told you I just want you to be there whenever I turn my head around?

That I want you to be there, be scared with me, be happy with me, and everything?

Am I such a foolish childish stupid guy if I told you that I just want you to say that you'd still be there inspite? 

That you'd still love me even when I am being dark and twisty, and that we'd survive whatever it is?

Am I such a lousy dreamer if I told you that I want to stay for better and for worse? 

The Tape and The Glue

You remembered the tape and the glue you held on so tight?

The ones you used to re-attach your shattered heart. The ones you used to wipe away your tears. 

The ones you used to close your ears from the deafening silent voices.

The ones you have been counting on so you can walk again. 

It's okay to let it go.

Because you're now a whole person.  

It's okay to open your bandage. See and greet your scar.

Because now, you won't need them anymore.

It's okay to put everything behind, just behind.

Because then you'll be fine. You'll be even beter. 

Let him go, Ed.

The Un-spoken Wishes

 

 

That the fading shadow I saw from the corner of my eyes this morning, it were you.

That the text message that made my phone rang so loud, it were you.

That the pouring rain coloring the sky dark grey, it were you.

That this one mp3 I kept on playing, it were you.

That the one who would one day come knocking in front of my door, it were you.

The Mirror Shows Smile

You know, the day that I finally let you go, is the day I realized that I could be happy.

That I am happy and whole, despite so many things.

So it's time to take those smiles out of the dark attic, shake the dust off, then wear them on again.

The Risk We Need to Take

You see the water that flows so serene in the river? The sound the ripple makes, the glare beneath the crystal clear sky, the fresh taste on your skin; don't they all make you just wanna jump inside, and for a while, forget the rest of the world, the future we might not have, and the problem that burdens us?

Everything is so beautiful, that you want to preserve it. You want to be like this, forever. 

But time flows, as the river flows. To somewhere we don't know, and that sometimes is a bit frigthening. 

Hell, we could have our heart broken to pieces, and everything just gets ugly. 

So at some point, we just stop jumping. Stop going with the current.

Yet little do we know, that even it is frightening, it is actually worth it.

See the river finally flows so rapid? Up to a right time, right place, it finds an elevation to drop itself. A steep region, a cliff, then turns it into a beautiful waterfall.

So it's okay to fall into pieces, a little now and then. I want to fall again.

I want to swallow all my ego, and be the bold person I was. 

I want to a beautiful waterfall, dropping my all to his heart, and then let the flow take me somewhere new. 

Somewhere magical. 

The Shelter in You

 

 

You remember the time when you opened your arms so wide you could actually hug a tree?

You remember the time when you offered me an umbrella when it's raining outside so heavily?

Or the time when it's too cold in the night, and you're awake because I couldn't sleep then you asked me if I was cold and you shared me your blanket anyway? 

You remember the time when we're about to cross the street and you just walked a bit in front of me to protect me from the traffic?

You remember the time when we're in this one cinema, and you held my hand so tight because you wanted to share your joy?

And the time when you'd make me smile whenever I told you I had a bad day?

Because I do remember.

Because they're the times when I am reminded again and again,

that being with you,

I

am

the

safest 

person

in

this

big world.. 

The Change

 

Even the cassettes have grown into a sleek beautiful iPod. I guess people just have to grow up, eventually. Grow a beard. Grow a gut. Grow wiser. 

So what if you get hurt sometimes? Many times? What doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger.

Forget the past, Ed. Forgive yourself. You need to move on. Keep the beautiful memories in the past. Get dirty. Get broken. Get down. 

Eventually, all that matters is that you get up, once again.

The Wings You Didn't Have

I wanted to fly.

I have heard so many things about the mighty Sky.

About how it's so beautiful, so great, so vast, and so beyond, that I came to a point where I have wanted to grab it, to shrink it, to keep it inside my pocket. To become him.

I wanted to fly.

The sky was so tempting, so gracious, that it looked like it was telling you over and over again how he has defied the gravity.
The feeling of the wind, the cloud, and the sun. The feeling of floating freely.

So I spread my wings.
And I fell.
Down.
Hard.
Broken.
To pieces.

The TRUTH Hurts

They said you're supposed to move on with your life when the thing you wanted so badly was so out of reach. Or the man you loved with all your life and heart was not there for you and didn't return your feeling. 

You're supposed to not waste your time and effort more on the guy who clearly has made it clear he doesn't want you. You're supposed to care less about those pretty guys on street, in a gym, in the bookstore, who don't even bother to take a look on you. You should, REALLY, I mean, really really ignore those guys who don't know how to value your existence, despite the fact that you might be damaged, broken, dark, mellow, and gloomy. They don't know the real you inside the thick armor you're wearing, or they're so BLIND that they don't even bother to make effort. They're shallow. They don't worth your time. It's their loss. Not yours. And honestly, they're responsible, in some part and in some way, for the way why you're damaged. They're not good for your soul. 

Because, whether you admit it or not, life does go on. Life is too short for useless things like that. And you simply can't fix everything that goes wrong. One or two mistakes, maybe, but you just can't control everything. You can take it as a lesson, though, for life as we know it, has her ups and downs. So you fall now and then, once in a while, but it's okay. 

You're doing okay, Ed. You're doing fine. Not great, but okay. 

You're supposed to move on, Ed. Waiting for someone to watch your back is getting old, and he might never come. But so what? You have been living your 25 years without that kind of romance. Maybe less, though, yet you know you've been living boyfriend-less these past few years. You make it through every other day. 

And you know what, Ed? The world right now could use someone good. Someone nice. Someone who really cares. Books. Food. Medicine. Anything. It's time to open your eyes wide, Ed. Start thinking really big. 

The Memories were supposed to fade #2

"Can I come to your marriage?"

"Why do you want to come?"

"To make sure if you're happy."

"Stupid. It's not that I have another choice."

"I know. But you could at least have my blessing."

(a long hug)

.

.

.

"How can I be happy if it's not with you?"

.

.

.

"I'll bring another guy, perhaps. To let you see I could try to be happy. Or I'll just leave after I see you up there with your beautiful bride."

"I love you."

.

.

.

.

.

"I love you, too." 

.

.

.

The Memories were supposed to fade #1

 

 

"If one day, you don't love me anymore, what will happen to us?"

"We can still be friends."

"I dont wanna be your friend. I can't be your friend."

"Why?"

"Do you really need me to explain?"

"Well, nevertheless, there won't be such a day."

"How can you be so sure?"

(long pause)

.

.

.

"Lets enjoy today and this moment more. Whatever happens, happens. Talking about it now won't be any useful. Besides, you're going to leave tomorrow."

The Things that Haven't Changed

To you, it was only a sea. To me, it was a place where my longing broke in to your shore, knocking in front of your shore, yet you never realized I had been there the whole day.

To you, it was only a wave. To me, it was an endless effort, coming in and being rejected for times, yet there was this solemn faith that someday you'd find me as charming as the sun you're bathing yourself with. 

To you, it was only a me. Someone who rode the same train with you and whom you could forget about soon as you got off and continued your life and probably met someone new whom you'd consider of settling down with. 

To me, I was an idiot who would fall so deep, so true, so mad for you, trying so hardly to swallow back the words that was supposed to be meant for you but I just couldn't manage to bring it out from my mouth. 

So I kept coming back.

So I would never be the beautiful rain evaporating from the sea, pouring down beautifully to you from the sky before sacrificing myself to the sun to be a rainbow to your eternity.

So I would never be the big tide that you'd surf on, that would bring your boat sailing towards the greatness ahead. 

And I just remained the same despite countless desperate wish...

The World of Our Own

You see the happy couples down there in the corner of the cafe?

You see those people hugging together when they hit the dance floor?

You see the shiny and healthy smiles in their faces? 

You notice how they have this content eyes, like they have had everything that matters?

You notice how they are once again whole, as if someone has put the last missing piece to their jigsaw of life?

You notice how cute they are when they're completing each other's sentences? 

I do.

I see you in them. 

I notice us in them. 


So hold my hands.
I'll take you there... 

The Place is Not That Far

Do you remember the song we used to sing together, me never hitting the right note while you with a perfectly perfect voice? 

Do you remember how you used to clap your hands happily whenever we finished a song, and then you'd turn to me and tell me how much you like hearing me singing because I once told you that you're the only one whom I'd sing to? 

Do you remember how nervously you used to pick a song to go solo, how carefully you then sang it for me, and how earnestly you looked at me as if no one else would matter to you for you really wanted to make sure that I had those stars in my eyes listening to you crumbling my heart? 

It doesn't matter if you don't. 

I'd run, I'd crawl, I'd swim a hundred rivers, I'd climb a thousand walls, 

just to find a way to get to where you are. 

Then I'd tell you that there's no place that far. 

I'd remind you of everything we used to have. 

Take me back, would you? 

*inspired by Westlife's No Place That Far

The Labyrinth With Us Inside

The sun keeps rising every morning, even when the night tirelessly tries to drown it back to the darkness.

The rain keeps on falling to the ground, flowing back to the river, to the sea, and back to the sky, even when the clouds have already learnt well to let them go.

The tidal waves keep breaking in before the beach, even when the shore has made it really clear he doesn't want them. 

And eventually love is supposed to not come just for once. 

There is this cycle we're going through circling and just someday, when the time is right, the place is right, and everything else doesn't really matter anymore, I'll meet you. I'll see you. I'll love you like I have always done. 

The twilight is not red

senjamu berjelaga.

ada dahaga yang lama tak teraga.

maka biarkan ia berlalu di hitungan ketiga

karena ada aku, senantiasa terjaga

untuk malam-malam yang menganga...

*posted as comments in Aa's blog

The Monochromatic Grey

I have used up all the metaphors to describe a single feeling I am feeling about you right now that I couldn't actually find a new one to throw to you with just one tiny hope that you'd take one more look at me again. 
I have got tired of using the same theme, the same words, the same nuance to talk those things about you that eventually it only left me being numb and senseless and deprived. 
I have raised my head staring the sky, the universe, the trees, the leaves, the birds, the sun, and even the moon like already a thousand times to just to find myself noticing them as a sign that I haven't got over you and that I should really really try to get you back, even if I have to beg for you and be a lowly-life of a drifter who's really dying to die in your arms.... 


I am pathetic. 
I am miserable. 
And realising how much you could do to me without even really staying by my side, just making me hate myself more and more for being so vulnerable, fragile, and stupid. 

The Birthday Wish

Candles were blown.

Wishes were made.

Hands were shaken. 

Pictures were taken.
Same old ritual that has never failed to touch my heart, again and again. 

I really wanted to be thankful. Yet somehow, I could always manage to steal some time to try to find if there was your line of words in perhaps my Facebook page, Friendster page, my YM, or even in my phone. You were no longer there, wishing me those sweet wishes for me, about us.

Did you remember the first night we met? 

Did you remember those promises you made the first morning we woke up to each other?

Did you remember my touch?

Did you remember my smell?

Did you remember the kisses?

Did you remember me... at all?

Candles were blown. Another year was taken away from me. 

Wishes were made. This time, I silently wished that you'd be happy even it's without me.

Hands were shaken. I promised that there won't be no tears anymore.

Pictures were taken. It's going to be ok to create some new memories, even if it's without you.

Same old ritual. Did you remember everything we used to have? 

ps. thank you, guys. :) 

The Repeat Order

I have seen too many sunsets disappearing into the dark that eventually it only leaves me with this numbness I can't explain. 

I have stood long enough to feel what it feels like before the sun actually rises that it finally hits me that I can be ok even if you're not here by my side, whispering a very sweet Good Morning. 
I have counted too much rain-drop breaking on the ground, creating some kind of tragic melody in the air, that it leaves me wondering if you have your own umbrella at the time when it's raining. 


I have been through all these over and over again. 
Just the exact amount of time I've spent wishing someone who's not even real yet, not here yet, and not known yet.... 

The Train is Leaving

I wished I had begged you to stay.

I wished I had ignored the pride and cared less about the grace. 

I wished I had known how to say sorry at the time, even for things I hadn't done. 

I wished I had learnt my lesson well.

But now look at us both.
Look at me, running and escaping from town to town, trying to ease I didn't even know what.
Drowning myself into beer and getting drunk just to take my mind off of you for a while, secretly hoping that I wouldn't have to wake up the next morning.
Throwing myself in the arms of strangers from the bar, trying desperately to mend the broken heart and to forget your scent. 


I wished I had begged you to stay. 
I had wished there had never been a too-late. 

The Sleeping Beauty

I had wished I could sleep on forever to be waken up by a Prince Charming riding his white horse.
Then I'd skip every painful things, save every pieces of my heart, and stop feeling so miserable. 
Then I could just fast forward everything to see the Happily Ever After inside your eyes, by the end. 
Then I could put on my sweetest smile which had been long lost until you brought it back to me. 
Or even better, I could hold your hand so tight, and you'd squeeze mine in return, and we no longer care what the world would think.


But the dream ended soon as the morning dew had vanished. 
I wanted to be able to tell myself that it's okay if fairy tales didn't come true.
I wanted to be whole even you would not pass by and stop to rescue me. 
I wanted to wake up despite you're not next to me. 


And I really wanted to believe I could be happy. 

The Time Keeps Changing

You are the Future who hasn't become a Past yet.

You are going to be a beautiful Present for me when I wrap the gift paper.

So I am supposed to be a good boy, and pray really really earnestly.
Until you'd hear me, and we'd meet in an intersection that we would have chosen accidentally.
Then the clock would have stopped at forever. 

The Apologize

I know I haven't been an exactly nice person these past years.

I know I have been very much annoying.

I have even wished that I could have been more subtle and less stubborn, instead of hiding behind this mask of insecurity. 

I know I have been bitching around, being miserable, and let my negativity drive my way around you while I shouldn't have. 

I should have been more compassionate. I should have been more sensitive towards others, not just myself. I should have been more mature and wise. I should have been accepting myself more, and giving in to the fact that I am not that attractive and that the universe doesn't evolve around me. 

I know I am pathetic, that I am better in writing this down rather than saying it to you directly and personally. 
I promise, though, there will be a day when I could find the courage to do it face to face. That is, if you even bother to take a look on me.  
I don't expect you to forgive me and get past everything and be friends again, for I don't even know what kind of friend I am to you -well, besides being constantly-hostile-and-totally-unforgiving-even-at-the-slightest-offense-kind of friend. 
What I have done to you was wrong, whatever my reason was. The stupid sentences, useless arguments, and everything. It's almost like we're fighting on a regular basis, was it?


I am not doing this to make myself feel any better.  
I just have to. Eventually.  


And for now, let me be pathetic. And smile for the slightest hope that you'd judge me again for this.
Maybe it's your way of showing how much you really cared for me. 


So, 
I am sorry. .. .

The Lost Dandelion

I had blown all the seeds away, whispering them to carry on my message. 
I had wished upon the wind to sweep them along, to the ten directions, to everywhere. 
I had crossed my fingers so that one of them, one was enough, could safely reach you.

But there's never any returned phone call, nor e-mail..

The Unburied Time Capsule

I had wished to forget about you and to live more in the present.
For the sense in me had told me over and over again that you and I, we're over.
We're done. And nothing could take you back.


I had written my goodbye lines a thousand time over that I had even memorized it too well.
I had practised it every single day that it had become me myself.
I was supposed to be able to say my farewell dramatically, but beautifully, to the past. To you. To my former happiness.


But they kept coming back.
And the good-bye words had silently transformed into a pray that you'd be alright, circling around floating in the air like an addicting drug. 

The Stopping Carousel

Do you remember the two kids in the kindergarten who held hands?

The one taller always looked like he was protecting the other one.

You said it was cute.They were cute. 

And I remembered the childhood, when the heart was supposed to be pure.

When the love knew no stain. 

And I could hold your hand without hiding so tight in the closet. 

But we ain't Doraemon nor Henry deTamble.

We're stuck here. 

And the carousal had long stopped before we even found it painful.

The Vanishing Dew

You're just like a reddish vermillion twilight.

You painted my sky orange and yellow. 
You had just adjusted my hue and the saturation, that everything finally made sense. 
Fit the composition. 

I came to where the ache and the hurt were not that painful.
The same exact point that I actually believed I was not that broken that I had found you. 

Anymore. Anyway. 

Then you went away. So quickly, so swiftly, without even looking back. 
Without holding back. 


And I was back to the darkness. 

The Sky Beyond The Sky

The string had been passed through a mixture of ground glass powder. And glued.
The kite was flown: courageously he raised above the cloud.

Just so high. Only so high. Then he was cut loose and fallen.

Still he struggled to float, trying to touch the blue color. 

Trying to pass the messages. 

Trying to reach the unreachable you. 

Did you read them? 
Did you see it, before I lost the fight? 

The Missing Ingredient

It was between the morning coffee and afternoon tea. 

It was between many sleepless nights and lonely mornings.

It was between tasteless lunch and two empty wine-bottles. 

It was between countless TV Shows and a few boxes of Kleenex. 

There's no longer you. 

Remembrance

Do you remember the time when you first lay your eyes on him?

Do you remember the time when you first feel the heart-beat within you, sounding so vigorous, just because he smiles back at you?

Do you remember the feeling when he first calls you, and his voice is just so heavenly? 

Do you remember the nervous feeling inside your stomach, when he finally holds your hand?

Do you remember the rush within you, somewhere within you, when he first kisses you? 

Do you remember the intimacy when you finally get to hug him so tight, as if there's no such thing as a space in a paragraph? 

Do you remember how sweet it is when he first says 'I love you? And the urge you have to say it back to him, that you love him, only to the rest of the world? 

Do you remember the pain you have to bear each time you can't see him?

Do you remember how it feels like to have so much love, yet so little time to show it? 

Do you? 

.

.

.

.

.

I don't. 

This is not Goodbye

You used to be the one who'd care about all of us. 

You wanted to be a fairy god-mother - well, except for me, since I am only the nephew. So technically you're an aunt. But that's not the point. Because you have given me so many cousins. *grin*

You used to say you wanted to know me better. And I guessed that I didn't really open up myself to you. It's not your fault. It's not because I didn't value you. It just took time for me to really share something personal of me to someone else. I do value you. That much. And I just didn't really show it up. 

But to my awe, you didn't walk away. You stayed true. You said we're friends. And friends are supposed to be forever. I should have learnt well. 

But next time, dude, I promise you. We're going to sit together again,

talking about almost anything,

or just staying silent while watching some chick-flicks.  

There's never a-too-late for anything, is it?

So now, I am going to return you that favor. 

I am going to stay here, still here, silently praying that you'd do well. You'd stay happy. She would stay happy. 

And you guys would be complete. Forever and ever. Just like the fairy tales. 

I am going to stay here, this is time without any judging. I would be a good listener when you need, just like once and every time you've been for me. 

I am going to stay here, as a friend. So this is not a goodbye. This is never a goodbye. 

So, till someday, dear. 

Lots of hugs, 

Ed. 

Being Single

Are you familiar with the rush in your blood when you see somebody hot in the supermarket, buying some perhaps high-protein milk? Or when you find a hot guy in a book store, reading some broad and heavy stuff? Or even better, the urge you have when you notice somebody hot in the gym, lifting his dumb-bell, has been watching you?

And although you've tried so sincerely to play hard-to-get, to ignore those hot guys, and not to turn your head around following his bubble ass, there's like this devil, somewhere between your brain, heart, and Mr.P, advocating you to eat them alive. The next second in your mind? You, him, bed. Steamy, sexy, and sleazy.

Like last week, when I visited a gorgeous mall newly-built in B-town. The mall is still new, still cold, and still crowded, and to my surprise, was full of good-looking people. It's like you're being outside B-town without actually going out of the town. So, there I was, celebrating an eye-fest, awe to awe, eating the man-candy, and playing the boy-toy.

I've been trying to so hard to behave, you know. Not in a queery-queeny way, of course, but at least, I know that I must try to be a little discreet, right? I mean, throwing stares at people who you don't really know is not quite polite, isn't it? And I don't really need to be more obvious than I already am, do I? Well..

So I wonder, as I stepped in back to my bed-closet that night. Is it in our DNA that we're always ending up trying -and wanting - to find a partner? The urge to satisfy our biological needs? That somehow it is inevitable? The obsessing over some guys? The pathetic miserable need to want someone as if it is the missing ingredient to a perfect home-made cooking? The image - hot body, flat abs, tight biceps and any-other-ceps - that never fails to make us waow-ing for a while? Hell, a fellow blogger next door even suggests some castes based on physical appearances and he's sure proud with his body.


So it is our DNA to blame?
But then, if it is so inherently natural, then why are we trying so hard to bind ourselves? One thing for sure, if it's our DNA, then we're not really alone, right? There are plenty of guys who share the same interests with us - if not to say every single one of them. 

I do believe that all the single gays are actively hunting; either for the Mr Right or Mr Right Now. See the AJ club? Crowded. See the flourishing of sexual services? It's everywhere to be found - easy money, profitable, and lots of fun. And it further suggests that we crave for some intimacy. 


But the first question is, why? Why we can't be just single and happy, enjoying the most of and from ourselves? Then, the second question, what does it take to involve in a sexual-and/or loving relationship?


But does not-being-single have anything to do with happiness? Is it true that love comes in as the missing piece to our jigsaw puzzle? Even if it's true, it's sweet and adorable, but are we really defined by the guy we love? Aren't we supposed to be happy and whole before we indulge in relationship? 


I think I mentioned this before in one of my previous blogs. Happiness comes from within. We can be happy even we're single. We're supposed to be happy if we want the happiness. We don't just want, act, or try to find happiness. 


All we need to do is be happy. 
And it doesn't have anything to do with being single or not, does it? 


So here it is: the final equation for today: Being single, and happy. :-)