I Miss.. You

I miss that old feeling. That feeling of having somebody standing so close enough to me that I could hear his breath. His heartbeat.

I miss the feeling when I get to hug someone, to share my smile, to cover my tears. The warmth along with the hug.

I miss the feeling when I could fall asleep beside someone, knowing that I am safe in his hands.

I miss the feeling of not wanting the night ends so fast, that the morning won't come. And even when the morning comes, I miss the feeling of waking up beside someone I love very much. I miss the morning kiss.

I miss everything.

I miss the feeling of missing somebody. I miss..you..

I'll Wait

We all need somebody to hold on to. Somebody to share our life with. Somebody to love. Somebody to miss. Somebody to cheer us up.

That warm hand to hold. That shoulder to cry on. That chest to rely on..


So that we won't be alone in our journey. So that there would always be a sun shining even when it's cold outside. So that there would be a moon even the night sky is dark and scary.

So that we know, we're really there, alive and lively, even when we're at our worst.
So that there would always be a smile to get rid of our tiredness.

So that the pain, won't be that painful. Because we want to be stronger for our someone. Our love...





I'll wait for that day. And when it comes, I will pay all the loss when we haven't met. I will catch up with you.
I'll wait. :-)

Yin Ye 3 + 1 (My Best Pals)

Yin Ye 3 + 1 (read: Yin Ye san jia yi), also known as My Best Pals, is a taiwanese drama with genre of romantic-comedy. The setting is in a high-school, namely Yin Ye (if i am not mistaken, kinda forget). This series of 16 episodes aired at July 2007 to November 2007, kinda a year ago. I have watched it like a year ago, yet I have only managed to write about it now. Why? Because recently while I was browsing youtube for Ming Dao (ehm), I found the MV Zai Ci Xiang Xin (To believe Again), and I was like, 'isnt this the OST for the fab Yin Ye 3+1?'.

The storyline is somewhat cliche and very standard. There was this 4 childhood friends, Jia Jiang (AJ- Matthew Ming Dao), Fang Wei (FW-Jerry Huang), and Bulu (Jason Hsu) - the three guys - and a girl named Xia Tian (XT -Qiao En of 7flowers). So, 3 + 1 in the title means 3 guys and a girl.

AJ and XT is plotted to start developing feelings for each other. AJ kept denying this, here and there, for some silly reason (very typical!). Yet I recall that one of most touching moment of the series (for me), it was that when XT asked AJ's help (for what, I forgot). AJ was not willing at first, yet FW and Bulu kept pushing him to, so he finally agreed but with one condition: XT had to fight with him (he said it was like in their childhood) and the winner took all. They had already set the battlefield (a few chairs being piled together) when XT finally said, 'At moment like this, I really hope that my knight in shining armor would come and beat you in the ass..'.

XT ran away and cried. AJ, shocked, then decided to chase over her. He found her then, weeping, but felt that it was not the right time to approach. Soon, it was raining and AJ silently accompanied XT till she got home...

There was also this time, when XT was slapped (I forgot who did, but it was one of the students' father). AJ got emotional, and yelled at the furious father, saying 'His father even never slapped her! You dont have the right to slap her!'. XT was also the one who stood between FW and AJ when the two fought; XT even took FW's punch to protect AJ. Knowing how there would be someone protecting and supporting us, isn't that nice?

FW who had always liked XT then became the love rival of AJ. Yet, it was obvious who chose whom at the end of the drama. The question how and what happened, however, still remained for the viewers to find out. Personally, I favored FW more than I favored AJ. AJ was somewhat very romantic, but sometimes he could be very childish. Don't get me wrong, but I need to tell you that the first reason why I watched this series was because of Ming Dao. Then I saw this Jerry Huang, and I thought I fell in love (lol).

Here are the pictures of both. For your eyes only (lol)!

Brothers and Sisters

I don’t come from a big family. I have only one older brother, who, apparently can be both very caring and mean at the same time. Growing up with him, despite the fun times we had, makes me feel like I have never done enough to please him – and myself, in the case. I am suspicious that he might know about me being aj; even though he has never said it bluntly. Whatever is in his mind, I don’t really care, and I don’t wanna second-guessing him. Despite of our distance – 2 hours flight plus 3 hours driving – we don’t do the telephone call often; only some text messages here and there. So, I don’t get to share my problems – and he doesn’t share his – even when I am at the worst.

Thus, watching this series, Brothers and Sisters, give me this kind of mixed feeling – lonely, jealousy, sad, happy. Watching the family endlessly shows the love, fights over some matters, or fails to keep secrets, it’s just everything I didn’t have. From Sarah being a divorcee to Justin being a drug addict, they just implies that your family is the one who’s never gonna stop supporting you. They’re strong enough for you to rely on when you’re at the weakest. They do feel disappointed for your failures, but they still give you hope you need. You’re…just alive.

I enjoy my youth, so I can’t whine about my mother being so old-fashioned, nor my brother being so stubborn (did I just do that?), because I know I love them. But I don’t know if they love me enough to accept me being an aj. I…doubt it. Or maybe I just don’t have the guts. Or maybe I know, they will never understand it. My mom needs me being this perfect son. Her perfect son. And at time like this, I just wish I were Kevin. Pathetic? Shameful? Ridiculous? Unnecessary? Call me whatever you want.

Then suddenly I understand. I understand now, better, why I always feel lonely. Despite the crowd, friends, family. All the gloomy things seem to be ours. You can live a festive life; you can bitch around and think you’re lucky and pretty; whatever you do, but admit it: we are the loneliest people in the world. We are men, who cant even be faithful to ourselves… Hiding in our dark-narrow-yet lovely closet, we wear this mask everyday. I am not saying that being straight is much better, yet at least, it’s much easier in some way. Or is it just the place and the culture? I don’t know. I am too tired to learn to know.

Melancholy Me..

Maybe, I listen to too many sad-love-song that they finally starts poisoning me. I am poisoned. I am in deep blue. I am in melancholy. Ah, I hate me being this. I hate this sentimental feeling.

Maybe, I drink too much coffee. The caffeine is making me neurotic and insomniac. I can't sleep, thanks to the phobia I am feeling every time I close my eyes. The loneliness can be very haunting, and I am just too scared.

Maybe, I watch too many sad-movies. The tragedy within just gives me this silly hope and dream about the wonderland; that true love exists. That there is this Mr. Perfect for me, meant to be mine, and there is then this happily-ever-after. I am addicted. Every time the bitter reality hits, it is just like you're being splashed with cold-icy water: it is plainly cold and painful.

Maybe, I read too many romantic-books. The beautiful story inside is, indeed, very cliche, yet it never fails touching my heart. Turn me to a drama-queen for some moment. And it hurts. It still hurts.

Maybe, at the end of the day, I just don't know how.... to be a gay man.

Kiss

What is it in my kiss,

that could mend your broken heart?

what is it in my kiss,

that could lighten up your day?

The Sugar daddy

I am not the person who can even imagine me having a sugar daddy. Honestly, though, I prefer mature guys. Because usually younger guys aren’t that mature enough, I usually prefer older guys. By saying older, I mean older to some extent.

I recall that once, when I went online on mIRC, I told this guy that I preferred an older guy. He replied me by saying that he had enough money to spend on me, so he thought that his age wouldn’t be much a problem. I was kind of offended by this judgmental stranger. Anyway, as I know that he totally didn’t know me, I just ignored him.

Later, on Fridae, a stranger sent a message. Although he provided a pretty detailed profile, he got no pic. Anyway, as I was trying to be friendly, I checked on his message. He said he wanted to be a friend, and if I was interested, I could send him a message over his yahoo. For a moment, I hesitated. On one hand, he’s Caucasian, and I have I thing for Caucasians. On the other hand, he’s already around 40s. So I heard me talking to myself: Caucasians have life only after 40, and I had really nothing to lose if I gave it a try. I will grow old some day, and I don’t wanna be rejected everywhere just because of it. It’s simple karma thing, don’t treat anybody the way you don’t wanna be treated. Right?

So, I sent him a message, trying to be friendly. I learnt that he’s nice, friendly, smart, and kind. He talked about many things, and I got addicted to his news. To end my agony, I offered phone number exchange. He agreed, and since, he called me regularly.

It was only a matter of time that he told me his passion about me. And it was also only a matter of time I found out his dark side. He’s very dominant; whenever you’re trying to give him some critics, he would attack you back. He’s also very possessive. So I told him that we’re moving too fast that we started to hurt each other. We fought once or twice, but we’re always able to solve it. Basically, I enjoyed much, until the truth came.

Truth hurt. Yet I prefer truth, more than lie. I learnt that he’s actually around 60s, not 40s. I hesitated once again. Should I go on with the relationship? Should I stop it right here? He said that the decision was only mine. I really didn’t know what to do. So, I asked 4 friends. And it’s only one of four who supported me going on. The rest said no. Partly because of the age gap. He’s away too old for me. My ex even told me that people like him would treat you very nice, so I shouldn’t be tricked.

I told him then, that I needed time, alone, to consider about this. He agreed. And with me being single now, I guess that you already know the result. He had another boyfriend now, which is younger than me, and he’s incredibly happy. I’m more than glad to hear it.

Anyway, this experience taught me one thing. Love comes unconditionally. When it comes, people should be enjoying it, despite the pain and agony it brings. It is blind and it is beautiful. It makes you walking proud beside. It makes you fight harder. And moreover, it is truth.

To Love and To Be Loved

To be, or not to be, this was the famous line from the famous Shakespeare, when he composed Hamlet. Hamlet was in love with Ophelia, whose father he killed to make some revenge. Is that right? Because I can’t remember exactly what happened. Beside Romeo and Juliet, I am totally blank about Shakespeare’s work. 

 

Anyway, let’s not be Shakespeare nor discuss anything related. I am not students from English lit, and not planning to take any courses related to it. Because that is not exactly the question.

What I am talking about is, of course you can guess it, about love. Often, we find someone interesting and charming and gorgeous and fab. We want to be close with that someone, and one day, long story short, we fall in love with that very person. Often too, that person doesn’t have the same feeling. Either you’re not his type, or things doesn’t work, he just can’t love you back. At least, that’s what happened to me. All the Mcdreamies, they all are just passing by without even considering the chance. 

 

In my case, I begin to ask myself. Maybe I should find someone who can truly and sincerely love me, without me myself have to love him at the first place. I thought that maybe I give it a try; I will find his place inside my heart. That I will eventually love him. I’ve tried that, believe me. I accept those warm hands, those warm hugs, and those smiles, even when there’s this doubt deep down. The only excuse is that, I’ve found many guys fitting my type, but we don’t have the chemistry. Since I put chemistry at the first place, I thought that maybe I shouldn’t stick that tight with my types. So, I give up my types. No perfect guys, no Mr. Right, but there’s The One. Not because he’s handsome, nice, or gentle, but because he’s who he is. 

 

The first time, it didn’t work. I’ll post the story some other time. The second time… well, I don’t think it will work. Yet the same as the first time, I’m not just merely giving it up. I give it a try. I told the guy that I’m not in hurry, that I need time. That we both need time. He could understand and told me that he would work and pray harder. It’s so sweet. Very sweet that I feel like my heart melts. But I’m not the type that will get engage in any relationship just because he can provide me some sweet words I happen to want to hear. I am deep, huh? It’s tiring, frankly. Tiring, but I won’t escape or make the silent goodbye. It started fine, it should end fine too. 

 

At the end of the day, this all gives me something. Why it seems that I can’t have both at the same time? To love, and be loved by someone. So, the big question here is, am I being too picky? Am I being to greedy by wanting to have both? I don’t know. And I guess, it’s for me to find out.

Relationship-ism

So, what I am actually doing? Introducing a new word that Webster doesn’t even know? 

 

Well, relationship-ism is my term for any view related to relationship – by saying any, what I really mean is the positive and optimistic view towards relationship. Optimistic view is belief that relationship does exist in this world, in this aj world. Believing that people like us can fall in love too and end in sweet relationship. And by saying relationship, I mean a long term relationship, the serious type. A relationship that even when you are at your lowest, your hardest, your ugliest moment, you still are someone precious and valuable and dear for him. A relationship that allows you to share anything, to do anything for him, to have him help you with your things, without you even feel or think ‘oh, this is stupid’ and the like. Or, above all, a monogamous relationship.

Sounds like McDreamy, like fairy tale, and too idealistic, doesn’t it? Well, for me, it is not; for you, it’s for you to decide. If you think it is, it’s quite predictable. A friend from FRIDAE – or a stranger since we barely know each other – told me once that he doesn’t believe in relationship anymore. JT also wonders the same question. Is it because things didn’t work out like they wish? Or maybe things didn’t work out at the time they wanted it to? This might have happened a lot times before to them – and to me, frankly – they felt the pain, and then finally, at one cloudy day, they decided to give up, which in turn makes me think; is that true that people like us fall in love quickly, and then fall out of it that quickly too? What I know, what I learn after 4 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, not getting what you want when you want it maybe painful, but at least it is better than not knowing what you want. 

 

I don’t blame people. I don’t blame anybody. I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t even need to apologize or feel sorry. Because I don’t wanna be judgmental. Because it is just my weakness, to have such a fragile heart, which I’m grateful of sometimes. Because I still believe in relationship. I have witnessed it. I have seen it. I have experienced it before. It didn’t end well; still I have those sweet memories over the bitter ones. It is like a chocolate, fairly sweet, with a little bitter taste. 

 

A friend of mine, Yu, has had his relationship at the tenth year now. My friend Chris is now in his long distance relationship. And there is Sam, Paul, and all other couples. Relationship exists; it’s just that I am still not that better man for my someone-to-come-true. Or, I don’t know, it could be anything. But the point is, I love myself. I love my being alive. I love being able to love. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?

The Pain

There’s this line I quoted somewhere, anonymously, as far as I can remember. It said that it’s the pain that keeps us know we’re alive.

I kind of disagree. We know we’re alive, long as we know we think. Cogito ergo sum, Socrates said. Or, we know we’re alive, because we breathe.

But what is pain then? Why we have to experience it? Why does that sensation even exist?

I’m not talking about physical pain. It’s about emotional pain, for instance, the pain we experience when the one we love all the way, leave us. Maybe even the pain we experience because we’re foolish enough to do regretful things, because of any failure we face. No matter what kind of emotional pain we face, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Often, people run away. People hide from it.

Why? Why then pain? Why the miserable feeling? The pain we exactly want to avoid, but it sticks with us like glue. It sucks.

I am not soft. I can endure the pain. I can take it. But the problem is, I don’t want it. Yet, I’m in pain now. And I don’t know how to cure it. I can only run. I can only be emotionally foolish, and foolishly emotional, at the same time. Can I be emotionally foolish, or foolishly emotional, then? Without me myself judging about myself? Is it just fine to let your feeling take away yourself? Am I running away? Is running away the same as being coward?

One thing I know, and I’m sure, I’m not the only one. How many people out there are feeling the same pain? Raise your hand. I’m not even gonna be the last, because it’s endless. People cant really avoid the pain.

So, there is no other choice for me, but to face it. Compared to other pain, maybe my pain is not that miserable. Maybe I am not that pathetic. A friend, Nomad, told me that I have to stop pity myself. And that’s what I’m doing. And I learn, that even if it’s miserable not to be able to get what you want, it’s far better than not knowing what you really want. That even if I’m afraid, I must not back off.

The pain, it’s one of the bliss we have on this perishable world. It’s the feeling that teaches us how to count our blessing. It’s the feeling that keeps our head down to earth. It’s the feeling that makes our happiness become more valuable. That’s all.

The Guy from The Past (2)

He is in Jakarta. He didn’t tell me at the first place, but it doesn’t matter. Because I just knew. I just knew. And I found his profile over the famous Fridae. I was silenced. I was shocked. What was this supposed to mean?

On his friendster reply on me, he just laughed, because I found him. No explanation. No anything. Again, it doesn’t matter. But what matter is, the way I feel. I was angry at first time. Then I was confused. Then I was sad. Then I was happy, not because he finally accepted who he is, but because he’s now in Indonesia. And the very first night I had a chat with him over internet messaging, since he was in Jakarta, we chatted a lot. I told him everything, once again. I told him that I couldn’t hate him. I couldn’t really blame him on everything. He said sorry, but I didn’t really need that. Partly because I knew, he was just being nice, and partly because he didn’t have anything to apologize for.

I always thought, I have got over him. That the past would always be the past, with all the sweet or bitter memories. Because I wanted to keep all the good things in my head. Because I knew that he’s just not that into me. Yet, my heart refuses. My mind refuses. I keep thinking about him. I keep thinking about what he is doing at this very moment. I keep thinking about his special someone, how would the guy, or the girl, look like. I haven’t got over him.

I know, I am pathetic. I am miserable. This is why I am sad. Why keep hoping for someone like him? Why? I couldn’t even have any logical ‘because’. Love comes without logics, doesn’t it? On the other hand, can what I feel now be called love? Because, to be honest, I cant even imagine myself with him on the same bed. I just cant even think he hugs me, or kiss me. Is it love? This is why I am confused. Anyway, we exchanged our phone numbers. Since then, we do the text message pretty often. This is why I am happy, because finally, all of the silence was melted down, and we actually have conversations again.

Yet then, I learnt a new thing; I have to choose my words, my sentences carefully, very carefully. Because I don’t want to make already bad condition become even worse. I am not being myself. And I don’t like this. I learnt many other things, as well. One among them is that, he has never come to me with any other expectation besides friendship. Nothing more. And I feel the pain. It is painful. It is painful more, because I am pathetic, and I am miserable.

So, is he saying that all the things I thought I knew and I believed in were merely jokes? Is he joking on me? I don’t want the answer from him, because it was six years ago. Because he wouldn’t remember anything about our conversation. Because he’s just not that into me. What was I thinking? Why in some places in my heart, I wanted him? Why I wanted this relationship? Why I am so pathetic? Why I am so miserable?

In the end, I know, some relationship aren’t meant to happen. This relationship, is one of those. I have to let go. I have to take his friendship hand. That is all I have now. So, I guess, this is a real getting over.

The Guy From The Past (1)

I was in my last year of high school at the time. The time when I met this guy, JT, over a cyber room. We started everything fine, he was very friendly and gentle. He was tall, he was smart, he was mature for the guy of his age, which was only one year older than I was at the time.

I offered a friendship. He wanted a more serious relationship. I was reluctant, because I barely knew him. Still, I gave it a try. It was only a matter of time, that I learnt that he was from Medan, at the time was in Singapore for his undergraduate study. We emailed a lot, from serious things to fun and foolish things. Everything was just perfect. Then I began to get attached to his mails. We could exchange 3 or 4 mails in a day. Maybe more, I cant remember exactly.

It was at December 2001 when we came back to Medan. He called me, we chatted almost every night, and it was always more than 3 hours of conversation. And I started to think, Hey, maybe he's the one. I let myself falling in love. Partly because my heart beat fast and rapid, whenever he was about to call. It's like having a premonition, and it worked only with him. I would know if he was to call me. I just knew, because of this rapid heartbeat.

We met then. He was a very cute guy, but I do not fall for a cute guy. So I got convinced, that I really loved him. Yet I just let my stillness speak. I couldnt tell hi anything about this feeling, because I was that old-fashioned fool.

A month after, he went back to Singapore. And that was the time when everything changed rapidly. He promised me before that he would let me know when he's already there safely, and he would always reply my mail. My every mails. But he was vanished. Without any explaination. And it hurt. It threw me to a dark big hole. I was confused. I got no one to talk to.

And in time, I learnt to give up my expectation. Because it helped reducing the pain a little. Then I met my ex. We were friends, and he told me that it was nobody fault that he's vanished. That I had to wake up, be strong, and mend myself. I tried.

It was before I became balanced again, when he replied my mail. He told me to move on, to be a better person, and a good girl to be with. He said he quit the plu world. I was silenced. People told me that it was impossible, but I believed him. He wouldnt lie. He had no reason. And in my fall, my ex proposed me to be his boyfriend. I agreed... Because I need somebody to run to. I know. I know it's my fault. I know I am not suppose to act that way, because it's not fair. Yet, I tried to love my ex. I guess, I did love my ex. I didnt even cry for this JT guy, but I cried for my ex 3 times, and those were not because I felt guilty. I didnt regret my relationship with this ex. And I didnt even think about this JT guy anymore, not more than a friend in Singapore. At least, that was what I could conclude, through a few messages via friendster.

It was recently, I found out everything...

Under the Pants

Living in this perishable world makes us have and meet different kinds of people.

And among those different people, of course we have some straight friends, who may have no idea about our true sexual preference. Okay, they might know, but it’s not going to be the topic when we’re having a conversation with him, unless we told them the deep little secret.

I have some straight friends; most of them are homophobes, but who cares, anyway. Long as it’s not the topic of the day, I’m fine. There is one thing quite disturbing, though; that is, when they’re talking about chicks. Chicks and everything under the panties. Yeah, they’re sharing their sexual experiences, which sometimes can be very very bad, dirty, naughty, and not hot, at all. They’re talking about the lies and the tricks they’ve been using. They’re talking like, all chicks are their slave, things they can buy and use and dump after that. Trickier the tricks one could have, more macho he feels, and more manly he thinks he is. A friend told me that, it is even worse when you get to work, when you face the true world out there.

And I’m surprised when I found out that I am still surprised whenever I have to face this kind of conversation. I’m not being saints, and I know not every chick out there is still virgin until their marriage. I am just..old fashioned. But don’t they know that sex isn’t just the only thing that defines who someone really is? Don’t they know that being manly and macho has nothing to do with the number of chicks someone has slept with?

Sex is good. Sex is damned good. I admit that, whole-heartedly. Yet doesn’t sex have to go with sincere feeling, sincere love, and not only lust? Isn’t it the feeling and the love and the heart that makes us different from beasts?

Another friend would say that life is short, and we have to make the fullest of it; have fun while you can, so you can die with no regret. And I don’t really get it. First of all, people don’t die with dignity, because it’s the time when our body starts to rot. It’s going to be ugly, no dignity at all. On contrary, we can live with dignity. And sex doesn’t define any dignity. Dignity is being responsible and mature. Dignity is being human. Dignity is being faithful. Speaking of faith, even if it’s good enough, even if it’s challenging, is it really worth it, to cheat someone you said you love, to cheat your own oath?

Sigh. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m just too naïve and plain.

Long Time Break

One of my new year resolution was that I would write everyday.

It’s been only four months since, and I can already see the progress. So, here I go with all the cliché: Life has been very busy and hectic and fast. Seriously, a sound and proper sleep is a luxury to me. Especially when you have lots of deadlines to fulfill, this then means lots of paperwork, lots of pressure. And when you think it’s over, another deadline has come to you, right in front of you, taking away the joy of freedom you even barely taste.

The good side is, lots of paperwork means lots of writing, too. Yet honestly, this is not quite I had in my mind at the time I made the resolution. Writing everyday to me doesn’t mean posting a blog entry everyday too, because I have three blogs and a thread currently, and all of them are still active, especially the thread at a certain forum.

So, what I had in my mind was actually, that there would be nights, where I would be in my bed, typing the whole day inspiration, melancholic things in my mind, or anything in the mood. But then I asked myself, what am I trying to prove? I have almost no readers, no comments, no true fans, and I don’t even have the talent to write something real deep. Hence the long break. And lots of blogwalking, just reading and seeing and discovering how amazing writers out there are doing their blog.

Then one day, suddenly, it just came to my mind. What am I looking in all the comment? What’s my expectation for all strangers who read my entries? Particularly, none. A blog is supposed to be something personal, isn’t it? It’s not private, though, so comments and readers is a bonus. If it’s so, why not blogging again?

The break is enough for recharging. I’m BACK!