A little rain inside me, a little pain inside me. A little dose of mellowness to compromise the life, in a precise amount.

-Self-Quote-

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

partners: the key

This episode Joe and Louis were fighting about one simple thing: the key to Joe's apartment. Ali, Joe's fiancee, were questioning his giving his key to Louis. She then asked his man to ask the key back from Louis, but since Louis was reluctant, they decided to change the key instead. The two guy made up eventually. And by the end of the episode, we also learned that Wyatt had known all along that Louis didn't really give the alcohol and meat like he had asked him to.

You know what?

I learn tonight that a guy who chose you over his best friend for over 25 years is a keeper.
A guy who wouldn't mind your choosing to things he doesnt really approve of, is a keeper. Period.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine..

 
 
I want that place by the water. 
I want that citylight shining on your face. 
I want that arm around me, too. 
 
I want to be taken by surprise, that of all goodbyes that I have ever known, you'll still said that you'd never leave me alone. 
I want to be made rebel. 
I want to believe it all again. 
 
 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

A Mr.H

I rarely talked about the guy here in my blog. It's funny, since he's like my person. And in the wake that he's got himself a boyfriend, I thought that perhaps I'd write something about him.

He's Mr.H. I met him first during my college years back in B-town. So it has been like around 8 years and counting - I hope. He said he has always known about me since we introduced ourselves to each other - but I didn't remember if I knew him. It didn't take long for him to ask me the question, and to which I remembered that I said to him that I was not a gay. Funny. And embarrassing. I meant, to be honest, I am that obvious. So I was only fooling myself at the time.

He's my person ever since. I got my first gay porn from him. He's my first gay friend, to be honest. With him I could talk about almost everything - we used to hang out in the canteen inside the campus and cruise the guys. I was there during his first break-up. I was there when he told me about this crush he had deeply on a certain guy. He was the one who gave me fashion advice. He was there when I registered to my first online gay-dating website. I used to sleep over at his place. We shared food his mom made him. We stayed up the whole night once just doing our college assignment. If you watch Grey's Anatomy, it's pretty much like Meredith and Cristina kind of relationship. Some of our mutual friends would occasionally check how he's doing via me. Because as they said, when there's me, there's him. And I guess that's also how you know how close you are to a certain somebody.

What seems funny to me is also the fact that I am a shy person. I tend to push people away, or so he told me once. I am not a people's person, I guess. I only shed my wall when I know I'm safe with someone. When I know he or she accepts me just the way I am. And now in office environment, I only hang out with a bunch of people, although I am now more open to people. People who know me would say that I am a nice and funny person. I am warm and sometimes too kind. I am smart and really a team-player, they said. Sometimes I can be very much bitchy, of course, but they also know that I do not mean any harm.

Recently I got out of a really bad relationship. He was there. He was one of the few who knew it from the beginning. He wrote a post about that, even. He constantly checked on me. And you know what, Mr.H has always been on my side. He's my person. He knows me, and on several occasions he even pointed out how I would normally act on certain matters. He sees me. And he's also one of the few who helped me pick myself up and rising again after the pain. More importantly, he makes me believe that I am not awful, that I should give my heart a break. That someone better would come along.

All in all, I give my best to him. He deserves the best guy there is. He already went through all the hurt and pain, and I know that someone like him deserves the happiness. I sincerely wish that he and his boyfriend would make it to forever this time. Because that will give me hope that true love does exist for the gays, even if it's not for me.

So kudos to you, H.
And remember, I will always be there no matter what. :)

Love,
Ed* 


Perhaps

Don't speak, I know just what you're saying, so please stop explaining. Don't tell me cause it hurts...

My world ends, at some point.
Kurt and Blaine just broke up.
I'm sorry for the spoiler.

You know, I always thought that cheating is okay. Long as your boyfriend is completely honest with you. And long as it doesn't involve kissing. But apparently for Kurt it is not okay.

Perhaps I'm missing things here.
Perhaps I don't know better.
I remember Ko Sugar told me once that it was not okay. He said that cheating is not okay at all levels.

And just once, I thought to myself, perhaps it's also nice to have that kind of someone. Someone with whom I don't even have to say that 'cheating is okay' because I know he won't.

Perhaps.



Friday, October 12, 2012

The Not-Really R-rated Dream

I had a weird dream last night.


I was ended in my bedroom somehow inside the dream - with a guy. Not a perfect stranger, but a guy I know pretty well. He was a colleague from office, about my age, cute. I was eying him for a while until I knew that he's married and with a daughter already.  I dropped the insane and unhealthy obsession for him - I was not young to play that kind of game; you know, where you're kinda being a secret admirer or something..

Anyway,  The details were hazy, but all I remembered was he's suddenly kissing me. We made out. Pretty intense, I would say, to a level you would blush whenever you met him in your real life - I met him this evening on my way home, and oh boy I hoped that I were not too obvious..

But the problem was not that.

The thing was, the fact that deep down I remembered vividly that I didn't enjoy the intense kissing. I remembered that I felt that something was not right. Somepart of me told me that he was not supposed to be the guy. He couldnt be the guy. Then... why did I kissed him back passionately? Where did that leave me?

I remembered pushed him away, looking at him trying to figure it out.

Just that and I woke up.
 It was exceptionally hot in B-town lately.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

I'm fine

It's always raining in November. 
It's always raining in this lonely town. 
It's always raining in me. It's always raining in paradise somewhere somehow. 

And I remember things. 
I remember how we used to hug each other. 
I remember how we used to fight. 
I remember you. 

It's always raining in my eyes. 
It's always raining in me, somewhere somehow. 
Until a shelter, until another umbrella, another arm, another heart. 

Until then, I'm fine.