Therapy Session #1

There's this guy I met when we're both participating on a spiritual public teaching at B-town. He's this French guy I didn't even notice at first, for my mind was so occupied. He's not that young, with glasses, and to be honest, he's kind of my type - physically - but since I don't give any more significant damn on physical things, I chose to ignore his presence, at first. Also, I thougt he's from abroad, so I didn't want to add more misery in my life, AND there was another guy who's consuming my mind.. a REAL HOT and STRAIGHT AS HELL GUY.

But then, a day or two after, a dear friend introduced me to him; since they're doing a project together. I was still not sure that time, BUT he gave me THAT kind of look - not look, but stare. He's bluntly staring at me with the expression that made me blush. I turned my head away from him, tried to make a space between us, for my heart told me that there's no way he could be AJ too; even if he's, he might already have a partner - a faithful partner waiting for him. YET, a part of me still waited for him to make a move.

Until the public event was ended, he didn't ask anything from me to keep in touch despite our conversation occured almost daily. So, I asked him his facebook, and he gladly and enthusiastically gave me his.

The following morning, I checked his facebook, and I knew I was right. He have had a boyfriend already. And they look EXTREMELY happy. Why bother, I thought to myself. Yet, two months later, or a week ago, I saw him online, and I approached him at facebook.

I told him about my situation - how I was dark and twisted, and how I felt like a new born-baby most of the time; i.e. inexperienced, and about relationship.
He said that it was not easy too when he's my age. He wondered the same question: Why did I have a preference for a boy? What should I do? Would I ever find my happiness?

It was not easy, yet not that difficult, I guess. It took steps; steps that you take one by one, continuously to eventually come to a day like what you've wanted for. One needs acceptance of himself so he could finally feel 100%. That the problem lies within us, not with the outsiders. Being AJ is not a choice, after all, it is accepting who you really are. You could hide, but you couldn't escape it...

The most important thing is that, he told me he's happy. Happy in general, and happy about his relationship. The whole NINE years, guys, NINE! Not one, or two, or three, or even five, BUT NINE! Call me silly or whatever, BUT I am the person who needs some real-life moments to know that I am not living in a fairy tale. That I am not decieving myself. That I too could be happy.. :-)

As what he have told me, it's okay, though, being a baby-born for now. Because a new baby is eager to learn, experiment, and explore himself, and the world around him, without the fear that he would hurt himself, because the curiosity within triumphs all. Moreover, Because I know,
.
.
.
I want to be a better man.

Why Mellow?

Everybody has their own way to deal with sadness. His disappointment. Or his failure. Some might cry, some might run away. A few might turn to alcohol, wishing that the ethanol inside would take his mind away for a little while. A few might turn to their best friends. Others might turn to their lovers, seeking for a shoulder to mourn. Anything to make us feel human again.

Me? Well, my kind of therapy is drowning myself to melancholic atmosphere. Drown myself to a mellow situation. I might turn on the same one sad song a few times. I might go to youtube, browsing for Il Divo, singing Without You in Spanish on a stage, because at the clip, Sebastien cried. I might write some down some poems, real sad ones. Or, I might pour my sadness into a short story, where the ending is not specified clearly - just to let the readers guess. Or, at a few rare occasions, I would chat with a friend, telling them anything, and then after the moment-of-truth, I just let it all go.

Problem with the latter is, that my friends usually couldn't swallow the mellow things from me. Because, maybe at some point, it's infectious. I don't really know, but most of them would then tell me to cheer up. For at most of the time, I deserve my own happiness. I deserve to be happy.

Life is already hard. I know that. I also know that they're all concerned enough for me. I also know that I don't have to make it harder for myself. I need to be this happy-go-lucky person, and cherish the present I have at NOW. But, being a mellow tone just give me a strength. I think I am a mellow-kind-of-person. Wierd, right? I've told you, I am scary and damaged, dark and twisted. Which is also why I choose to abstain from any kind of relationship temporary. Which is also why I lose my smile, at least for now.

Believe me, I do want to get out from this mellow pool. I want to feel my heart beats so faster, my face blushes, and get the cold-feet and feel lively -again. I miss missing somebody. but I guess, you can't get yourself out from a therapy in a hurry, right? You need time to cure and to heal the pain. You need time to accumulate your strength again. You need time to figure it all out, and to learn to be a better man.

So that the next time you fall..,
It won't be that hard, anymore.

I was blog-walking. I was reading blogs from other male authors. And suddenly, like a lightning in the middle of the noon, the question strikes me:

HOW MANY MALE BLOGGERS OUT THERE WHO ARE....

straight?

Hm..

How Was Your V-Day?

How was your valentine's day? Was it full of magic? Getting off? Found someone special?

First of all, V-day turned out not that bad. By saying not that bad, I mean I didn't feel any insecurity, loneliness, nor did I second-guessing myself. So, I was not that miserable, after all.

So, I woke up at 10 AM, still feeling sleepy, and went straight to my laptop, trying to go online. You know, the usual stuff - mail, vacancies, blog, and some other cyber-social-networking sites. The morning was quite peaceful, as I realized that I was not the last single person on earth. I even thought to myself, I was gonna be sooo fineeee.

And I guess that I judged too early. Not more than two hours later, the light suddenly went off. Something's wrong with the terminal, causing short-circuit (or things like that). Since it's Saturday, we couldn't find any technician available. Unwillingly, I had to say bye-bye (Song: Mariah Carey's BYE BYE on) to the internet connection for the day.

Big deal, I tried to talk myself into it. Spending the rest of the day in the dark, I turned on my MP3 Player, choosing and repeating one same song; a mellow song from Vivian Hsu. My mellowest-day -of-the-century then officially began.

By 4 PM, my JOJOBA friends all came (there were 5 of them, all straight ones), and asked me to join them go swimming. Since it was Saturday, I thought it would be full of people, which brought higher possibility of more hunks, and higher possibility of more cute hunks, so I decided to join.

The swim was fun. I always like water. By 5, I left the pool, alone, since my friends were still having fun. I headed to the shower-room to wash off. The rooms was fully-occupied, but I didn't mind the queue, as only one other male besides me who's waiting for the shower-room.

Soon, I entered one of shower rooms; the rooms have partition, but not full partition, there's still some space from one's calf to the floor. I heard before the rumor about how AJ people would give away some sign, for example by putting his toes near the space, and if the people next to you notice and give back the same signal, then BINGO! So, I tried to be very careful not step out from my box. Besides, I don't give a damn on the signal things, NEVER, because I come to a swimming pool to swim, to stare at some hunks, not to have some misconduct.

HOWEVER, soon after I finished my shower, I realised my shampoo was missing. Since I couldn't do anything while naked, I figured out that I need to dry myself first, and put some clothes before begin searching. YET, suddenly, a stranger from the shower next to mine put his hand out from the space, and told me that I dropped the shampoo (WTF?!). I thanked him, and he then asked to borrow some shower gel. I stayed positive-thinking, then lent him mine. THEN, he started to peek at me through the space (GOSH!), and GOD, I just didn't know how much he had seen. I started feeling afraid; my hear beat so fast, I knew something was wrong. HE THEN ASKED ME TO HELP HIM SOAPING HIM WITH THE GEL!!!!!!!!! HE TRIED TO GRAB MY HAND (but thank GOD I didn't let myself) AND THEN SHOWED HIS RED-HEADED DICK!!!

GOSH! I have never been humiliated and insulted like that before. Who the hell he thought he was? If he was AJ, he had no attitude at all, and HE HAD TO READ MANNER 101 to upgrade his low and cheap behaviour. If he was STR (or BI), HE JUST ALSO NEED TO READ MANNER 101! Did he really think that any gay-guy could be used to make him scream orgasm? FU*K!

I was really angry. To myself, to him, and to any other gay-guys. HECK, if any other gay-guys who have been doing sex in the shower room COULD BEHAVE THEMSELVES, there would be no such incident. It's called A PRIVATE ROOM, A HOTEL ROOM, or YOUR ROOM if YOU NEED SEX SO BADLY! NOT JUST ANY RANDOM PUBLIC SPACE! This IS ALSO WHY GAY GUYS ARE NOT RESPCETED EVERYWHERE! BECAUSE IT'S JUST A PARADIGM KNOWN TO ALL OTHER PEOPLE THAT A GAY GUY WOULD EAT ANY GUYS! No offense. Sorry.

So, the disaster was pretty much ruining my peaceful day. The incident also brought another experience, which I would tell later.

Anyway, this won't have any effect on me swimming on the same pool. If it does, then I admit that I am weary enough to handle such things. I am not.

ONS #6 and #7

There's nothing much I could remember that night. Mainly because he was THAT LAME. Seriously, I have never judged my partner before. I know I am not that good either, which is also why I never judged my partner. He's the first (and hopefully the last) exception. So, there's not much to tell here.

Meanwhile, my #7 was a real hot guy. The first guy with six-packs I've ever slept with. This guy was a real naughty one. A real unfaithful one. He cheated his ex, and the worst part was, his ex caught him red-handed. Geez, could you imagine that? He and his affair (obviously not me) at the time were still halfway to the orgasm when his ex knocked the door. The cheating couple then stayed silent, hoping that he would go away, yet he was smart enough to feel suspicious. Then he broke through the door, only to see the man he loved was naked with another guy...

Going home after the session, I thought to myself, hot guys are not to be real. They are good for your eyes, but not for your health.

Because I Don't Know

Don't ask me
Why I'm looking forward to you being online
nor why it is you
Because I don't know..
I do know, though, I want to catch up with you,
Read your messages, your lines, and your concern on me

Don't tell me
I am being stupid
or I am being childish and silly,
Because I don't wanna know
but I do know, I want to wait for you
Until the time is through..

Another Note on THE DAY

So, I do know that there's supposed to be nothing special at the day. Any gestures, any gift, at any random day would be the same meaning because all that matters is the subject - that is, who and whom - not when nor what.

But, our life needs a little bit celebration, right? And you can't make it everyday, because celebration everyday is kind of tiring and not-so-special anymore. You need a special day, maybe even two special days, or three, and so forth, to celebrate each year. Call it birthday, happy new year, christmas, Lebaran, chinese new year, anniversary, and.. valentine's day and any other special day. You need to look forward to these days, and when they come and pass-by, you need them as your beautiful memories to hold on to, to make you smile again, and quoting YUDA, to re-charge the battery in your heart.

And this V-day, although you can celebrate it with your friends (especially single friends), the taste would not be the same. Because once you step out the door of your house, you would see couples everywhere, and you would begin wondering, "WHY am I (still) single now? Where's the guy of my life?". This sucks, for you would start second-guessing yourself (maybe not all of you, but it's me. I do this): are you not worth it?

So, I am officially miserable, because I am afraid of loneliness. I don't wanna end up lonely. Kind of ridiculous and silly, because I am not lonely, in reality. Gosh, being AJ is hard already. Why do I have to make it harder for myself?

The Game of Love

Okay, it sounds interesting. So, let's play along.

Fellow blogger Boewatchat has tagged me at his lovely blog and also Noel, and I guess it is my duty to pass it along.

Rules of the game:
1. Use Google Images to search for the answers of the questions below.
2. Choose a picture in the first page of search results, then post it as your answer.
3. After that, tag other 7 people..

Seriously. How did you guys play it so well? Are you guys cheating? Hmmm.. anyway, these are my answers:

1. The age of my next birthday



Yes, this is an honest answer!

2. Places I like to travel to


Er... Am I being greedy?

3. A favorite Place

Is this question supposed to have one answer? Well, I have more than one favorite place:


4. Favorite Foods

PLUS

Hahahaha (*malu*), I am gluttony, aren't I?

5. Favorite Things


Skip the brand.

6. Favorite Colors

7. Where I was born


8. A City (Cities) I have lived in

The first is the current, the latter is my hometown

9. Nicknames I have

10. College Major

11. Hobbies






12. Bad Habits
13. Name of My Love

Of course lar, only in my dream..(LOL). Introducing, anyway, Matus Valent, Edward Norton, and Ethan Ruan.

14. Wish Lists


Too many wishes is not good.

So, I do tag:

1. Lucky
2. Dr Pr
3. Sam
4. Chris
5. Yuda
6. Zhou Yu
7. Luke

Trashy

I feel trashy. Maybe at the first place, I shouldn't have written stories about my sexual life. Maybe they're supposed to be a secret. After all, they are all meaningless. They all show nothing but my own shallow-ness, and that I am an easy person. That I am a good-time guy (yes, quoting Archer Montgomery from Private Practice, again). And a good-time guy do nothing but sex here and there, with no string attached. So, the point is, I am feeling trashy. Trashy and sinful, and twisted and cheap.

But then, do I do something wrong just because I post some extra notes about my sexual life? Or my taste of pictures I have upload-ed to my blog? What's wrong with some sexy and hottie hanging there on my blog? Are you guys that disgusted to my writing, or is that I am too vulgar?
Let me tell you: GUYS I have been involving myself with sexually; they're not more than 10, which means the number could still be counted by your hands. And, although they're all meaningless sex, I get to learn new things myself - NOT new technique, you pervert! :P

So why the trashy feeling?
Well, someone did something. And why the hell I need to feel trashy? If he couldn't take me as I am, then leave. I'm not going to leave, though. I would stay, not because I am in love, nor I want to make friend with him so badly, nor I admire him so much; BUT JUST SO THAT he knows, he ain't the saint himself. If he couldn't accept others for that, then why he could accept that if he's doing the same thing?

Anyway, I won't judge further. He had his own reason, so I'm gonna be this nice observer. I won't apologize or feel sorry for what I have written here. Yet, geez..I feel trashy. Ironic, isn't it?

Introducing....

Introducing........

My Latest Blog:
http://lelakinyaed.blogspot.com/

Serialized Story in Bahasa

Please Visit, and
If You Do Enjoy It, Please Leave Me Some FeedBacks;
They would be used to determine the plot!

The DAY

Can you smell it in the air? It still hasn't been the due date, but this morning, my friends have already brought the topic up. But I was okay, until I checked the date, just to see what day it would be.


Initially, I thought it couldn't be that worse, because the date would be at week-day, so I would be fine. But apparently - and unfortunately - it is not. It is at Saturday. It is at weekend. And I am miserable. 


Sigh. The full-of-love-day is at Saturday. It is totally the day for couples. Sigh sigh sigh sigh.

Wait a minute. Is this me being silly and stupid? First, I don't make chocolate. I don't bake cookies. I don't buy some beautiful Teddy Bear because Teddy Bear is supposed to be for girls, and I don't date girls. I don't buy chocolate bars because.. erm... I don't know. Oh, this is superrr lame. 


For years, I believe that Valentine's day is not any special at all, partly because we get to celebrate our love at any day. Although I don't really know the meaning and history (or myth) behind the day, I know that the day is not really merely about giving somebody special a chocolate. But everybody's celebrating it. And love is suddenly in the air. If we're not celebrating it with our couple, does that mean that we're not in love enough with him? Or, is it too drama-queeny to get mad at our somebody if there's none celebration? 


Maybe V-day is an extra time for us, to think again, about love. About relationship. About hope that relationship does exist, and we deserve the man of our life, despite how twisted we are. Maybe V-day is about celebrating any kind of love that exists - to our family, to our friends, our benefactors, and all those people around us. Or is this just another self-defense mechanisme of myself to help me feel better despite my status? 

Oh, yes, I know, I am still miserable. Anyway, it's still a week and a few days before the day is due. So, let's see then.