You have a boyfriend. You have a loving family. You have caring friends. You have a job that could afford you some luxury you've been dreaming of. There's nothing wrong with your life. It's not perfect, but you could deal with it. You go to office in the morning - which you hate, because you prefer to sleep till noon - and then get back in the evening: tired, but happy because one day at office is officially over. The town you live in? Boy, it's not like what you really want, but you still could cope with it. So, you tell yourself: I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. Repeatedly, just to convince yourself. Three times, just to make it sound sturdy.
But have you ever had a feeling like you're somehow excluded? That somehow there's something missing in your life? Well, I am not being a drama queen here, nor greedy. I do count my own blessing. I do express some gratitude everyday. Yet, there's this hole I just dont know where and how to fill it in...
No, I am not being mellow again. I am lonely. I am desperate. I am horny. Yet soon as all the lust has been transformed into the orgasm, all the joy and feeling are just gone. The room inside my heart is suddenly empty and silent again. The me suddenly is not so crowded anymore. And somehow, I feel guilty. Guilty for not being better. Guilty to let the lust take in the way. Guilty that I am not with my boyfriend. And to the top of it, guilty because.. I am gay...
There's no single moment passed by without me wishing that I were not a gay. But this is not a choice. Because there's no option. I need to fix this. I know it. Or I am going to explode, pretty soon..
