He smiled at me when he saw me.
That day, was the second time we met; the first was about a month ago. I threw my gaze at somewhere else. I cant afford to see his smile. For then I would guess, what he's smiling for. And usually, that thought would end to something bad and scary.
I invited him to come to my room soon after. He sat on a chair at the corner, and I jumped in to my bed. I was getting ready to sleep when he called and said that he wanna come.
'You're getting cuter,' he said. Looking at me.
I smiled plainly. Does that matter? I thought to myself.
He asked permission to smoke. The first time he smoked, I told him I wanted him to quit. It's not healthy. He said he would try to reduce the frequency. I guess that's why he asked my permission. But I was too tired to say anything. I have chosen to observe only. He's a bit too late. I didnt want to care anymore. So I didnt say anything. He smoked.
He brushed his teeth after like 3-4 cigarettes. I didnt count. He threw himself to bed.
And hugged me from behind. I was silenced. I was like frozen.
He asked me what my answer to his question was. Not about the smoking, of course, but to something else.
I was still silenced.
There was no time when I didnt doubt him. Doubt myself. Doubt about any relationship.
I was pathetic. I knew he loved me. I knew he cared. But everytime I thought that, I also knew that he didnt love me enough. He didnt care me enough. Enough to let go all his world. All his history. All his future. Because there's always be some other things he still wanted to accomplish. To achieve. And for some of that, He would have to leave me behind. His love, his care, his feeling, was not enough to make him stay for me. Or to take me away to forever and to somewhere place where we could be together without worrying what people would say..
So, I didnt know if I loved him.
No. It's more like, I didnt know if I could love him back.
He kissed me. And the tobacco tasted bitter now.
He hugged me so tight. I knew he had his dilemma too.
And I didnt wanna be his burden.
So I didnt say anything.
I couldnt say anything.
I couldnt give him my answer.
That night, I whisper my wish. Heaven.. please grant me the stopping of the second hand of time....
Yet like a song with ending. A movie with ending. He had to go.
He said sorry. I shaked my head. There's no sorry for whatever we had.
I didnt send him away. I just lay down at my bed. Alone.
It was indeed a dark night.
I lay down.
Trying to forget the rest of the world.
.
.
.
*
if i lay here,
if i just lay here..
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol...
