To Love and To Be Loved

To be, or not to be, this was the famous line from the famous Shakespeare, when he composed Hamlet. Hamlet was in love with Ophelia, whose father he killed to make some revenge. Is that right? Because I can’t remember exactly what happened. Beside Romeo and Juliet, I am totally blank about Shakespeare’s work. 

 

Anyway, let’s not be Shakespeare nor discuss anything related. I am not students from English lit, and not planning to take any courses related to it. Because that is not exactly the question.

What I am talking about is, of course you can guess it, about love. Often, we find someone interesting and charming and gorgeous and fab. We want to be close with that someone, and one day, long story short, we fall in love with that very person. Often too, that person doesn’t have the same feeling. Either you’re not his type, or things doesn’t work, he just can’t love you back. At least, that’s what happened to me. All the Mcdreamies, they all are just passing by without even considering the chance. 

 

In my case, I begin to ask myself. Maybe I should find someone who can truly and sincerely love me, without me myself have to love him at the first place. I thought that maybe I give it a try; I will find his place inside my heart. That I will eventually love him. I’ve tried that, believe me. I accept those warm hands, those warm hugs, and those smiles, even when there’s this doubt deep down. The only excuse is that, I’ve found many guys fitting my type, but we don’t have the chemistry. Since I put chemistry at the first place, I thought that maybe I shouldn’t stick that tight with my types. So, I give up my types. No perfect guys, no Mr. Right, but there’s The One. Not because he’s handsome, nice, or gentle, but because he’s who he is. 

 

The first time, it didn’t work. I’ll post the story some other time. The second time… well, I don’t think it will work. Yet the same as the first time, I’m not just merely giving it up. I give it a try. I told the guy that I’m not in hurry, that I need time. That we both need time. He could understand and told me that he would work and pray harder. It’s so sweet. Very sweet that I feel like my heart melts. But I’m not the type that will get engage in any relationship just because he can provide me some sweet words I happen to want to hear. I am deep, huh? It’s tiring, frankly. Tiring, but I won’t escape or make the silent goodbye. It started fine, it should end fine too. 

 

At the end of the day, this all gives me something. Why it seems that I can’t have both at the same time? To love, and be loved by someone. So, the big question here is, am I being too picky? Am I being to greedy by wanting to have both? I don’t know. And I guess, it’s for me to find out.

Relationship-ism

So, what I am actually doing? Introducing a new word that Webster doesn’t even know? 

 

Well, relationship-ism is my term for any view related to relationship – by saying any, what I really mean is the positive and optimistic view towards relationship. Optimistic view is belief that relationship does exist in this world, in this aj world. Believing that people like us can fall in love too and end in sweet relationship. And by saying relationship, I mean a long term relationship, the serious type. A relationship that even when you are at your lowest, your hardest, your ugliest moment, you still are someone precious and valuable and dear for him. A relationship that allows you to share anything, to do anything for him, to have him help you with your things, without you even feel or think ‘oh, this is stupid’ and the like. Or, above all, a monogamous relationship.

Sounds like McDreamy, like fairy tale, and too idealistic, doesn’t it? Well, for me, it is not; for you, it’s for you to decide. If you think it is, it’s quite predictable. A friend from FRIDAE – or a stranger since we barely know each other – told me once that he doesn’t believe in relationship anymore. JT also wonders the same question. Is it because things didn’t work out like they wish? Or maybe things didn’t work out at the time they wanted it to? This might have happened a lot times before to them – and to me, frankly – they felt the pain, and then finally, at one cloudy day, they decided to give up, which in turn makes me think; is that true that people like us fall in love quickly, and then fall out of it that quickly too? What I know, what I learn after 4 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, not getting what you want when you want it maybe painful, but at least it is better than not knowing what you want. 

 

I don’t blame people. I don’t blame anybody. I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t even need to apologize or feel sorry. Because I don’t wanna be judgmental. Because it is just my weakness, to have such a fragile heart, which I’m grateful of sometimes. Because I still believe in relationship. I have witnessed it. I have seen it. I have experienced it before. It didn’t end well; still I have those sweet memories over the bitter ones. It is like a chocolate, fairly sweet, with a little bitter taste. 

 

A friend of mine, Yu, has had his relationship at the tenth year now. My friend Chris is now in his long distance relationship. And there is Sam, Paul, and all other couples. Relationship exists; it’s just that I am still not that better man for my someone-to-come-true. Or, I don’t know, it could be anything. But the point is, I love myself. I love my being alive. I love being able to love. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?

The Pain

There’s this line I quoted somewhere, anonymously, as far as I can remember. It said that it’s the pain that keeps us know we’re alive.

I kind of disagree. We know we’re alive, long as we know we think. Cogito ergo sum, Socrates said. Or, we know we’re alive, because we breathe.

But what is pain then? Why we have to experience it? Why does that sensation even exist?

I’m not talking about physical pain. It’s about emotional pain, for instance, the pain we experience when the one we love all the way, leave us. Maybe even the pain we experience because we’re foolish enough to do regretful things, because of any failure we face. No matter what kind of emotional pain we face, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Often, people run away. People hide from it.

Why? Why then pain? Why the miserable feeling? The pain we exactly want to avoid, but it sticks with us like glue. It sucks.

I am not soft. I can endure the pain. I can take it. But the problem is, I don’t want it. Yet, I’m in pain now. And I don’t know how to cure it. I can only run. I can only be emotionally foolish, and foolishly emotional, at the same time. Can I be emotionally foolish, or foolishly emotional, then? Without me myself judging about myself? Is it just fine to let your feeling take away yourself? Am I running away? Is running away the same as being coward?

One thing I know, and I’m sure, I’m not the only one. How many people out there are feeling the same pain? Raise your hand. I’m not even gonna be the last, because it’s endless. People cant really avoid the pain.

So, there is no other choice for me, but to face it. Compared to other pain, maybe my pain is not that miserable. Maybe I am not that pathetic. A friend, Nomad, told me that I have to stop pity myself. And that’s what I’m doing. And I learn, that even if it’s miserable not to be able to get what you want, it’s far better than not knowing what you really want. That even if I’m afraid, I must not back off.

The pain, it’s one of the bliss we have on this perishable world. It’s the feeling that teaches us how to count our blessing. It’s the feeling that keeps our head down to earth. It’s the feeling that makes our happiness become more valuable. That’s all.