The Love of Siam..

 warning: SPOILER!

(+)Ohh. Too bad. That's the last piece.
(-) It's ok. I'm happy enough that you bought this for me.

How do you know when is the first time you feel the love in your heart? Do you realise it when you feel that your heart is pounding? Or when you find yourself keep thinking about him? Or is it just the rush in the first minutes when your eyes meet his, then you have this urge that you simply can't avoid, can't escape, nor can you hide?

For me, I prefer a love that appears so silently, so suddenly, that you don't even realise that it's love, until the very first day you find yourself can't live without him. You agonize over the misery of parting with him. And you keep counting the day, till you both will meet again. Then you start to wonder, when the day comes under your nose, what would have been? What would you say? Would he still be the same? Nevertheless, you hold this ticket so tight in your heart, travelling through the train of time, and hoping that one day, you'd make a stop at a right station: a station which would bring you guys together again...

Have you heard that there is a place?

If we get there, we
will have everything.

It will wait for us at the end of the way.

And we need only one ticket.

We can go and come back many times.

What will you tell me when you come back?

I'm wondering if it's true.
I want to see it.

Even if I have to go by foot.
If there's something when I get there.

Even if the ticket is so expensive.

Whatever I have to pay, I'll get it.

So, there they were. They eventually met. And it was difficult to avoid the chemistry between the two teenager. Was it because they're childhood friends? Was it because they're finally meeting each other again? Was it because of love? Was it because the sweet past that Tong had before his sister was gone?

So many 'how have you been?'s were thrown in the atmosphere, and you can't help but smile. It was sweet. It was adorable. But did Tong come in too late? Too late in the sense that Mew was already damaged to some point that he was actually feeling frighteningly lonely... But is there really a 'too late' in term of love?

If we love someone so much, How can we bear it that one day we will be separated by death? And... that losing someone is part of life? Is it possible, Tong? That we love someone, and we're not afraid of losing them. At the same time, I was wondering...Is it possible...that we can live without loving anyone at all? That's my loneliness..I have lived with it for 5 years. I really know how bad that feels. And it will get worse....

And in the end, were those question really important? Because they actually met. You'd think that he could help Mew wipe away the sorrow, the pain, and he could actually share his loneliness. So he let his guard down. It was like finding the lyrics for your melody. And together, you're just completed. Mew wrote the song, so beautiful that it was actually painful, especially when you knew what happened in the end. To see such a sweet and happy smile from his face; it was like he's saying that he'd finally met someone. Someone that made everything seemed to be not that worse.

That song. It's so beautiful. How did you write it?
Umm. Without you, there won't be such a song. What do you say after listening to it?
I don't know.

Then a kiss. A kiss was supposed to be more than a word could say, wasn't it? You touched your lips, and you could still feel the warmth. You're happy that you didn't even try to ask: what was that kiss for? Why did he kiss me? Was it a love so pure? Was it a feeling so naive? Was it something that you just won't find anymore? There, I actually could draw a line: It's love, it's not lust. Puppy love, you might say; Not real, you might judge, but really, it's not time to be so cynical here.

So, as the minutes of the movie went by, there was this hope, in my chest, that this was finally it. That this is the happy ending I have longed for.

I can't be with you as a boyfriend, but it doesn't mean I don't love you..

My world stopped.

I had to admit that what Tong said bothered me a lot, to the extent that I cried, alone, in the middle of the night. Yet I was also amazed to find myself trying to look for a reason why they couldn't be together. Come on, Tong said he loved Mew. I am a person who believes that there shouldn't be any other reason that two people are not in a relationship other than that they don't love each other enough. Then, does that mean Tong was just not that into Mew? If that's not the reason, then what? Was it because Tong perhaps thought that he wasn't the best for Mew? Was it because his family background and condition were already leaving no room for Mew? Or...

...was it because destiny forbid them being together? 

I can see no path that can lead me forward

In darkness with my lonely heart

In darkness without your heart near mine

The night can be so very long,

When I can see no light from the sky

The more I look around, the more I become afraid

Of the night that has yet to pass

Is there any other way to go?

I know the sun will shine tomorrow

When we are in the new morning,

I hope that we will find the way

Or my heart will be in the endless night

When the sorrow of yesterdays,

come crushing on my lonely heart

The reason I lost our love is because

I neglected the needs of both our hearts

My suffering became an endless night

but it will soon come to pass

As long as time goes by so will my sorrow

Because the thought of our love means there is no endless night

When we are in the new morning, we'll find a way from this endless night

You must recognize the familiar dark feeling inside your heart. Still, within the same time, there's also this hope you keep burning. That we all are struggling to come to terms with who and what we are.

And as I was writing this, I was once again reminded: Why there must be a label for everything? One just has to label his own feeling towards someone: hate? love? anxious? worry? Throw me your adjectives. So many out there describing the sole emotion we have. Is it just me or is it true that emotion supposedly can't be described with words? Then after the label for what you feel, you go on labelling him. What do you want him to be in your life? A friend? A soul-mate? A boy-friend? The one and only? What? Has LABEL become an important part in our life? What does it show? A commitment? A respect? Responsible? Can we be happy without the label? Or are we just gonna end up un-satisfied, wondering, and all?

Overall, would I say that this is sad? Despite the tears?

No.

I would say that this movie is so beautiful. So haunting, because once more, we're shown that there's hope. There's love. There's happiness...

...Because you have so much love for one another.
Even though, sometimes,it seems to be too much...that it hurts you, but I believe...when time goes by...we would all understand...that there is no such thing as 'too much love'.

And deep down, I promise to myself, that I'd be happy.

I'd be happy with the love filling my chest, for a man standing so close by my side....

But now,

well,

I could really use a hug. :-)

The Dream Guy

Ally: Love isn't always enough.
Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough, and you realize it's everything.

Ally:....

(Ally McBeal, s04e10)

It was a lovely afternoon when a blogger next-door asked me specifically about the guy of my dream. Frankly, I don't know why he cared - well, later he revealed that he wanted me to stick to that dream, because one day the guy would exist for me, like what happened to him - because I don't really care about the dream-guy - I'd tell you later why. Yet, I told him nevertheless.

It brought me to this memory when I was still in high school. No, it's not a senior from my school, and it's not my teacher. But it was this guy on television. Yeah, you're allowed to laugh now. To be more specific, it was a guy from this series, Ally McBeal. Well, at some point, I kind of come to a conclusion that if you're PLU, then you must know about the series.

I was not a regular fan back then, given my dark background, but I managed to watch a very few episodes about him, on RCTI; of which were enough to profile the guy of my dream. So, meet Larry Paul, portrayed by Robert Downey Jr. He joined the cast for only one season, season 4, and you'd notice the guy recently from Iron Man, after he's back from his narcotics past. But really, I was not a fan of this Robert guy, so my attraction to Larry Paul was not because he's cute or something like that.

But if it's not the case, then what? What exactly do I see in Larry Paul?

Come in the first position is that he's smart. Very smart that he's playful. Playful in a gentle way, not in a jerk way. The look he gave from his glasses? Speechless. Yet, he's so damaged, to some extent, that he's carrying this pain in his chest. But he's not dwelling in it too much. He moved forward, and let himself to love and be loved. He learnt from his failure in love, instead of letting himself being miserable. He let himself being a fool in front of Ally, because he's not a chauvinist nor a bigot. He's not a narcissistic guy that he got room for his lover. My God, he even put a red-blinking ball onto his nose, and it's adorable. He's miserable every Christmas, but he's willing to let Ally cheer him up. He played the piano, and he composed a song for Ally, after his being honest that he kissed his ex. And above all, he didn't step back when he knew that Ally had her own insecurity. He didn't rush everything, which showed that he's got a very good self-control. He tried to understood, and hence, fight for Ally. He listened to Ally, took her seriously, and HE DIDN'T JUDGE. He respected Ally that much. And I adored him that much, and sincerely wished that this time Ally had really met the one, that Larry would stay.

But He chose his son. I didn't quite remember, but I was actually picking this series as I'm writing this post, so hopefully I'd know the details. Deep down, I know that I shouldn't be affected. I knew that back then, Robert was hardly concious from his drugs that the producer had to let him go. It's a lousy plot there, but nevertheless, I was devastated.

So there I sat, watched the love filling the atmosphere in the cathode tube of the television. I told myself that I'd get a guy like that, someday. I prayed so hard for it. But soon as I grow up - and thus, older - I learn that reality wasn't always that sweet. Based on my experience, most guys around me nowadays don't really know the word 'Responsible', let alone 'Respect'. One day they could tell you that they love you, but then the next day, you'd be the last priority. One day he could tell you that you mean so much for him, but then as the hardship strikes, he's just the same selfish person you'd meet on street that he actually thought you're bugging him when you shared what you felt. And it's even harder for us, AJ crowd, because it's only a slightly thin line between love and lust. And the closet we're hiding in? It's so comfortable that there's really no use to talk about a long future together. You must be very familiar with the term 'I'm required to get married one day', right?

Wait, am I being bitter, here? I hope not. I know that it really takes two to tango. You need to be a good guy, to deserve another good guy. Commitment is also about tolerance, if not indulgence. It's about understanding, and to some point, you'd say that love only is not enough - or to the worst extent, you'd say that it's a BS. But where do we draw the line? Just because he happens to be the guy of our dream, does that mean he's flawless? Does that mean we have to stick to him no matter how a jerk he turns to be? Do we really need to let him define us?

So, when you ask me about my dream-guy? Honestly, it's not my priority now. Because by time, I learn to compromise, to try to be wiser, to be more mature. I lament, of course - all.the.time, you might say - but who doesn't? Try to go longer without love. Try to love someone so deeply - your first love, even - to the extent that you share everything with him, only to be let go for a very vague reason. Try to meet with so many jerks, that you start to wonder: what's wrong with me?

But to the top of all, I still do believe in fairy-tale. If you ask me whether there's even a slight hope that I'd be lucky enough to meet my dream-guy, I'd still say YES. But I also understand that it's okay that the fairy-tale don't come true. Because I'd still be fine. Because I also know that not everybody could meet his dream-lover. It's perhaps once in a blue-moon.

fiction: I know

"I love you."

That's the first sentence he said that morning. It was when we both just woke up, with this oily face, tousled hair, and acid mouth. There's nothing good we both could display. More, it's still early, and hence, the drowsiness was still hanging in our eyes, the dreams was still dwelling in our head, and the consciousness was still to be found.

But that's the first thing he whispered to my ears, to my face, and to my head. Instead of a simple hi, or even a polite good morning. So I smiled back, then kissed him, but said nothing back. Not in the sense that I was silenced, shocked, amazed, or something like that, that prevented me to say anything back. More to the fact that I had nothing to say.

I got up, then reached for the blanket to cover his nude body and walked to the bathroom. I wore my clothes sleeping, mind you. Nothing was better than hot water in the morning; it was so relieving and fresh that I felt alive, again.

It wasn't until a few minutes that I heard him walked in. He hugged me from behind, kissed my back, and let the sprinkling water from shower get him wet. Get me wet. Get us, wet.

I smiled, again. I could feel his breath, his passion, and his morning erection.
"Is there anything you'd like to say?" He whispered.
"Such as?"
"I don't know. Perhaps about this morning?"
This time, I laughed. I turned around, and looked into his eyes. He was that tall, so I needed to gaze upward. I kissed him, again.

Then, after a short pause, I asked him, slowly, and quietly.. "Why?"
He was starled. "Why what?"
Hm.. that cute face he was making, I could just eat it up.. It was something like..did I do something wrong - and If I did, please forgive me?
"Why do you love me?"
This time, he was silenced. A very long pause. Then he walked out.

I finished my shower not long after.
With just a towel wrapping, I walked out to find him sitting in the edge of our bed. He's still wet, so I took off my towel to dry him.
"What's the matter?"
A long pause, again. Then he grabbed my hand, and made me sit on his lap.
"Weird.."
I hugged his neck.
"I..." he swallowed all of his doubt, "I don't know why I love you."
"And now you thought that it was something that I did to you? A spell or something dark and evil?"
For a moment, we only shared our stare. Then we both burst out laughing.
I hugged him so tight.

"I love you too."
.
.
.
.
"I know."