to HIM, who thinks that I am not Worthy.

Have you ever had this feeling?
when you saw someone happily together
yet you are all alone by yourself walking
on the street... in the car.. or on a boat
or wherever you are

I always think
that this world is far too lonely, too sad

(Cloud, Bangkok Love Story, Opening Narrative)

I am tired. I am still damaged. But I wanna heal. I wanna fix myself. I am not shutting myself down.
I do push people away, but in the truth, I have always stayed. Because I am human. You are human.

Even it's complicated, I know I live this kind of life. I dont get to choose who I am: There IS NO CHOICE. Why cant people grow up and finally accept who they are?

I am tired. But I am not THAT tired
I am damaged. But I am not THAT damaged.
I don't spend the minutes of my days just to worry if he is too old, too young. Or worry if He and I meet somebody I know in the middle of the jungle just to get panic in trying to explain his status to the person.

I am 23. I watched AVATAR. Crazy about Grey's Anatomy. Adore Kevin Walker that much. Hate HEROES but feel the curiosity about the plot. That doesn't make me childish. YOU have to know that.

There Will be Time

There will be time
when my smile means something
when my heart beats faster
when my face blushes red, again

There will be time
when I finally stop wondering
when i finally stop questioning
about you, about love, about happiness,
about meaning, and about myself

There will be time
when alphabets are not just mine
when sentences are not just the antidotes to loneliness

There will be time
when I wake up every morning to someone I love besides me
when I kiss him good night and tell him that I will see him in my dreams
when the dark nights is not so cold anymore

There will be time
when I dont need to wait for the sun to cast away the cloudy sky
when an umbrella is already enough, because it has you under it..

There will be time
when I cry for you, for love and happiness you bring in my life
when I believe, once again, I am a complete person
when I believe, I see, and I hear, the happily ever after, again..

There will be time
and I don't mind to wait

Therapy Session #2

You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be – white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, prince charming –they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true.[Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, Season 1 Episode 08]

So, the big question that clings in my head lately is if believing in fairy tales is wrong. I remember when I met JT. I told him all my sweet dreams about my future - of course ones with him - and he said that I was a dreamer. I told him that I wanted to be successful in my career, travel around Europe, learn French, and have a nice guy beside me all night, tucking me, hovering me, and seeing him waking up in the morning. Sharing those dreams with him apparently made me a dreamer in his eyes.



Is it wasting time? Is it stupid? Silly? Childish? To believe in such things? Really, I don't know. Because the moment I realized he had no same feeling to me, I chose to let go all those things. It was one gloomy day when I looked past my shoulder, and I realized I have been lonely. That I have been an audience, an outsiders for so many years in this movie called Love and Happily Ever After. It was so much easier at the time to choose to let go all the fairy tales and the movie, because this way, it keeps me from suffering any more pain.

I thought I was safe. I thought I was fine.
But then, the same loneliness caused me many insomniac nights, I stayed awake, I felt the phobia of closing my eyes. Which was also the reason why I was mellow, dark, and twisted. Like Dr Pr said, I need to breathe again. I need to take my head out of the my mellow ocean, to breathe again, to see how beautiful the outside world was, has been, and is.

At the time, I realized;
I
also
want
to
be
a
participator,
I mean, actively involved in a relationship: My own relationship.

Then I begin to doubt: Men are created to be unfaithful. Unfaithful is pain in the ass. So, I looked back again over my shoulder, and I found the very same old fairy tales. Very same old movies.

I
need
to
believe
in
fairy
tales,
once again.

I need my faith again, that someday m prince will come true. I don't mind the waiting, because he's worth it. Whoever he is. I guess, you'll just know, right?
To add one good milestone about this, YUDA is now in his progress to happily ever after. Aren't you jealous when you found his article about his significant other? Jealous and happy, both come to you at one time, plus one HOPE as a bonus.

And A'a, it is already a gift for me. Don't bother seeking any other gift. :-)

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important, happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away. [Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, Season 1 Episode 08]