The Sugar daddy

I am not the person who can even imagine me having a sugar daddy. Honestly, though, I prefer mature guys. Because usually younger guys aren’t that mature enough, I usually prefer older guys. By saying older, I mean older to some extent.

I recall that once, when I went online on mIRC, I told this guy that I preferred an older guy. He replied me by saying that he had enough money to spend on me, so he thought that his age wouldn’t be much a problem. I was kind of offended by this judgmental stranger. Anyway, as I know that he totally didn’t know me, I just ignored him.

Later, on Fridae, a stranger sent a message. Although he provided a pretty detailed profile, he got no pic. Anyway, as I was trying to be friendly, I checked on his message. He said he wanted to be a friend, and if I was interested, I could send him a message over his yahoo. For a moment, I hesitated. On one hand, he’s Caucasian, and I have I thing for Caucasians. On the other hand, he’s already around 40s. So I heard me talking to myself: Caucasians have life only after 40, and I had really nothing to lose if I gave it a try. I will grow old some day, and I don’t wanna be rejected everywhere just because of it. It’s simple karma thing, don’t treat anybody the way you don’t wanna be treated. Right?

So, I sent him a message, trying to be friendly. I learnt that he’s nice, friendly, smart, and kind. He talked about many things, and I got addicted to his news. To end my agony, I offered phone number exchange. He agreed, and since, he called me regularly.

It was only a matter of time that he told me his passion about me. And it was also only a matter of time I found out his dark side. He’s very dominant; whenever you’re trying to give him some critics, he would attack you back. He’s also very possessive. So I told him that we’re moving too fast that we started to hurt each other. We fought once or twice, but we’re always able to solve it. Basically, I enjoyed much, until the truth came.

Truth hurt. Yet I prefer truth, more than lie. I learnt that he’s actually around 60s, not 40s. I hesitated once again. Should I go on with the relationship? Should I stop it right here? He said that the decision was only mine. I really didn’t know what to do. So, I asked 4 friends. And it’s only one of four who supported me going on. The rest said no. Partly because of the age gap. He’s away too old for me. My ex even told me that people like him would treat you very nice, so I shouldn’t be tricked.

I told him then, that I needed time, alone, to consider about this. He agreed. And with me being single now, I guess that you already know the result. He had another boyfriend now, which is younger than me, and he’s incredibly happy. I’m more than glad to hear it.

Anyway, this experience taught me one thing. Love comes unconditionally. When it comes, people should be enjoying it, despite the pain and agony it brings. It is blind and it is beautiful. It makes you walking proud beside. It makes you fight harder. And moreover, it is truth.

To Love and To Be Loved

To be, or not to be, this was the famous line from the famous Shakespeare, when he composed Hamlet. Hamlet was in love with Ophelia, whose father he killed to make some revenge. Is that right? Because I can’t remember exactly what happened. Beside Romeo and Juliet, I am totally blank about Shakespeare’s work. 

 

Anyway, let’s not be Shakespeare nor discuss anything related. I am not students from English lit, and not planning to take any courses related to it. Because that is not exactly the question.

What I am talking about is, of course you can guess it, about love. Often, we find someone interesting and charming and gorgeous and fab. We want to be close with that someone, and one day, long story short, we fall in love with that very person. Often too, that person doesn’t have the same feeling. Either you’re not his type, or things doesn’t work, he just can’t love you back. At least, that’s what happened to me. All the Mcdreamies, they all are just passing by without even considering the chance. 

 

In my case, I begin to ask myself. Maybe I should find someone who can truly and sincerely love me, without me myself have to love him at the first place. I thought that maybe I give it a try; I will find his place inside my heart. That I will eventually love him. I’ve tried that, believe me. I accept those warm hands, those warm hugs, and those smiles, even when there’s this doubt deep down. The only excuse is that, I’ve found many guys fitting my type, but we don’t have the chemistry. Since I put chemistry at the first place, I thought that maybe I shouldn’t stick that tight with my types. So, I give up my types. No perfect guys, no Mr. Right, but there’s The One. Not because he’s handsome, nice, or gentle, but because he’s who he is. 

 

The first time, it didn’t work. I’ll post the story some other time. The second time… well, I don’t think it will work. Yet the same as the first time, I’m not just merely giving it up. I give it a try. I told the guy that I’m not in hurry, that I need time. That we both need time. He could understand and told me that he would work and pray harder. It’s so sweet. Very sweet that I feel like my heart melts. But I’m not the type that will get engage in any relationship just because he can provide me some sweet words I happen to want to hear. I am deep, huh? It’s tiring, frankly. Tiring, but I won’t escape or make the silent goodbye. It started fine, it should end fine too. 

 

At the end of the day, this all gives me something. Why it seems that I can’t have both at the same time? To love, and be loved by someone. So, the big question here is, am I being too picky? Am I being to greedy by wanting to have both? I don’t know. And I guess, it’s for me to find out.

Relationship-ism

So, what I am actually doing? Introducing a new word that Webster doesn’t even know? 

 

Well, relationship-ism is my term for any view related to relationship – by saying any, what I really mean is the positive and optimistic view towards relationship. Optimistic view is belief that relationship does exist in this world, in this aj world. Believing that people like us can fall in love too and end in sweet relationship. And by saying relationship, I mean a long term relationship, the serious type. A relationship that even when you are at your lowest, your hardest, your ugliest moment, you still are someone precious and valuable and dear for him. A relationship that allows you to share anything, to do anything for him, to have him help you with your things, without you even feel or think ‘oh, this is stupid’ and the like. Or, above all, a monogamous relationship.

Sounds like McDreamy, like fairy tale, and too idealistic, doesn’t it? Well, for me, it is not; for you, it’s for you to decide. If you think it is, it’s quite predictable. A friend from FRIDAE – or a stranger since we barely know each other – told me once that he doesn’t believe in relationship anymore. JT also wonders the same question. Is it because things didn’t work out like they wish? Or maybe things didn’t work out at the time they wanted it to? This might have happened a lot times before to them – and to me, frankly – they felt the pain, and then finally, at one cloudy day, they decided to give up, which in turn makes me think; is that true that people like us fall in love quickly, and then fall out of it that quickly too? What I know, what I learn after 4 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, not getting what you want when you want it maybe painful, but at least it is better than not knowing what you want. 

 

I don’t blame people. I don’t blame anybody. I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t even need to apologize or feel sorry. Because I don’t wanna be judgmental. Because it is just my weakness, to have such a fragile heart, which I’m grateful of sometimes. Because I still believe in relationship. I have witnessed it. I have seen it. I have experienced it before. It didn’t end well; still I have those sweet memories over the bitter ones. It is like a chocolate, fairly sweet, with a little bitter taste. 

 

A friend of mine, Yu, has had his relationship at the tenth year now. My friend Chris is now in his long distance relationship. And there is Sam, Paul, and all other couples. Relationship exists; it’s just that I am still not that better man for my someone-to-come-true. Or, I don’t know, it could be anything. But the point is, I love myself. I love my being alive. I love being able to love. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?